Sex and Love 100

Musings on the most basic life skill . . .

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Help! I'm not in the Mood! A TMI Sex blog

A TMI (too much information) sex blog...            
 “I really am not in the mood to have sex with Brian,” she says. 
Over dinner the eight women go back and forth over the topic.  It’s Woodstock- peace and love- we have few inhibitions.  I listen. 
            “He’s always in the mood, but I can’t even think about it.”
            Men are usually in the mood.  The easiest way to get rid of a man is to stop having  sex with him.  Having sex with him will not necessarily keep him or win him—that’s a truth—but denying your partner on a regular basis is a recipe for disaster.   I relayed this blog to my uncle Sammy – over 80 and wise as the best potato chip, and he laughed.  He knew.  And so do I.
            Do you think we are all in the mood?  And what the hell is in the mood anyway?  If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard this expression I’d be in Italy, sunning myself in Capri.
            Mood is what YOU make.  Yes, you can make it.  TMI, but I have been with the same man for a very long time.  Without porn, with five children at our feet, we have managed to have a lot of sex.  Do you think I was in the mood all the time? 
            My girlfriend relayed this story to me over a bottle of wine:
            When we have sex we ususally put on the TV so our daughter can't hear what is going on.  Of course we try to pick a noisy channel and one that we won't be interested in so we can concentrate on our own plot.  So I switch the channel to Shop NBC, QVC, JTV and HSN- I KNOW my husband won’t look at the TV if it’s about shopping.  
            However, on this one occasion, when I wasn’t in the mood, I saw something.  They flashed a necklace; amethysts, rough cut.  Exactly what my daughter wanted.  It was on clearance.  They posted the sales figures, like a countdown—which seemed to come every second, thrust in my face like bait.  I counted the action on my end and in a panic I made the decision to help it along.  Time was running out.  I needed to buy that necklace!  In the end I got the necklace.
            She is not alone.  I have a friend who admitted to me she was finishing a novel when her partner suddenly was really in the mood.  
            “What did you do?”  I asked.
            “I told him he could do whatever he wanted but I was going to take the last 10 pages.”
            She told him to pretend she was a naked libriarian.  She read the conclusion and they finished together. 
            But truth be told, mood can change.  In a study of orgasmic women it was found that they had a hand in putting  themselves in the mood (pun intended).  Maybe a bath, some sexy underwear, daydreaming,  and thinking about something that is a turn on, a glass of wine. . . they prepped themselves. Orgasmic women are also more able to control men sexually.  That is another blog, but they can exact what they want from the encounter. 
            But back to mood.  The quickest way to get rid of your man besides stopping sex with him is to not seem to be interested in him.  You aren’t a monkey who only allows sex when you are in heat.  The creator gave you a vagina, the most receptive hostess known in the animal kingdom.  Do you think men are more sexual?  HA!  If I ran an ad on Craigslist tomorrow I could have a line around my house of willing male sex partners and I could service each and every one of them.  Can a man do that?   Okay, get the visual out of your mind, I am saying that we can have sex just by doing virtually nothing. 
            So I asked her this; “Isn’t being ravished, adored, wanted, and cherished, good enough?   I was trying to get to the root of it.  Women have a lot of sex for self-esteem reasons, to feel wanted, appreciated….something else was cooking here. 
            “What do you mean?” She asked.
            “Well, most women have sex for a reason.  Not to always orgasm, but to feel different emotions.   
            She thought for a second.  “I never thought of that.  But after working all day, dragging kids around, cooking, and cleaning I’m burned out. ”
            “That’s not all there is to it.  Yes, you’re exhausted but are you a little mad, or angry? I asked.
            “A little? Are you kidding?  I work all day and come home to more work.  Do you think anyone can shift gears like that?
            I laughed.  “Men can.  A crying baby doesn’t turn off their switch.   One time my mother called and my husband handed me the receiver and kept going—of course without me.”
            The table laughed.  I continued.  “You need to tell him, calmly and honestly.  You might find he’s willing to take over some tasks, do something extra, and change his game, if he knows how you feel.  It’s about equity, knowing that you are getting what you believe you deserve from the relationship.  You might need help around the house – for you this might be a big deal.  But I can tell you one thing, sex is a bigger deal for men.  Men will do almost anything to get vagina.”
            She resolved to discuss it.  However men who help out in the house do have additional payoffs – research tells us that when people have that balance or equity, they have more sex.   
            Even if you’re not in the mood you might look at that wonderful guy, who diapered your babies,  put the others to bed,  washed the dishes, maybe did a load of laundry,  a whole lot more righteously.   When women are happy with men, they make love, not war.  Not in the mood- It’s just an excuse.

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