Sex and Children
Without sex, no children; with children, no sex. It’s a common reality; romance seems to fade out of the picture. Your once lofty bed, that place of heated passionate interludes, is now home to diapers, wipes, and baby accessories. What’s that long thing with the rubber tip you feel under your thigh? A bottle.
Most marriages decline after the birth of a child. Both partners report less sex, romance, communication, and worse—stress. We all know this, yet we’re so tired, feeling yucky and stressed that something has to give. Sex can sneak right out the door if you don’t watch it, which is a recipe for disaster. Want to know how to get rid of a man? Stop having sex with him.
Nature didn’t intend it to be this way. Did you know that a little gift following pregnancy is an ability to twitch out an orgasm quite efficiently? While your body was creating all sorts of vascular hook-ups to nourish your baby, it sent some to the organs that control blood flow to your genitalia. Have you ever seen a pregnant woman’s genitals? What a shock! Instead of that pink tulip you might be sporting the lips of an elephant -wearing lipstick. Our gorilla male cousins liked this sort of thing. In fact, when they mate they rely on those red bulging labia as a signal that the female is in heat. Although you might look like you came out of Animal Kingdom those swellings might make caveman a little more excited. And unlike your animal cousin who doesn’t have sex after her egg swallowed the sperm, you have the ability to knock out dozens of orgasms.
After pregnancy that vascular system finds itself more efficient. Those blood vessels have been stretched out like a pair of pantyhose and they will fill up quite nicely. If you were a cavewoman you’d have another great benefit. You’d be breast feeding. Quickly your belly would disappear and although you would have less time to engage in sex with your hands full, you’d have more time since you would not be menstruating. Did you know, fully breastfeeding women usually do not menstruate or produce eggs? Your body realizes you are raising young; best of all, your brain is dripping neurotransmitters to keep you cool, calm and collected—the three C’s. Your sex motor runs best under CCC. But cavemother had a lot less to do. Yes, I say less because their social system was a lot different. She had other women to rely on, including cavemom and cave sisters. She did not have ready herself every morning and drive 30 miles to a job, drop off baby on the way and cook and plan a meal after her day was done. And when caveman came home she had no shame in leaving baby next to her sleeping while she adored caveman. You’re shocked? Nanook did not build two igloos. Our ancestors slept with their children and mated with their children in close proximity.
So there you are with an ear turned towards the baby monitor trying to be amouous after working, cleaning, cooking and taking care of everyone. Nothing like the scream of an infant to snap back those swollen labia. So what’s a mother to do?
Some say you should schedule sex. I was the mother of 5 (now making babies of their own) and I never resorted to a datebook, but whatever works….
I can suggest this. My mantra was always marriage comes first. My younger brain anticipated the sight of sleeping children. It meant opportunity. Put the mop in the corner. Despite, dishes in the sink, washloads, or children’s activities, sex or romance topped the list. I say romance, because romance is the lube of sex—at least for women. The best part is that it can be banked, like money, and it grows interest. A candle lit dinner, sharing a bottle of wine or simply watching a great flick can turn on the mood: we all know what that vibe leads to.
Dr. Dawn Marlena Hopper
Dr. Dawn Marlena Hopper