Desperation on Line: For Women Only!

Regarding my  last post-- It took another few mistakes and some time alone for my dear friend to settle down that desperation cue.  Unless you are in an exclusive relationship avoid these cues men can easily pick up on.  These go for online  dating- before you meet. The first vibe a men and women center on is the picture. That's a fact. Neither of you would be in any contact unless you found each other attractive-based on that picture. Now begins that dance, the one of emails, texts or phone chat- before the meeting.  It's ass backwards.  The meeting can throw it all off.  But that's another story.  You see, when we get that ping, the email, the message it charges up the reward centers of our cortex like a pin-ball machine. All the "what-if's" rage.  Anticipation can lead to desperation. Here are the signs: 

·        Calling, emailing, or texting way too much, always answering their texts or responses quickly.  Your words should equal his minus a few.  In other words answer his texts with the same amount of words no more.   You should NEVER initiate any texts or communication unless it is to cancel a date.  Don't play the "I accidentally texted you." ploy.   Men like what they can't have and what is unavailable.  I've seen this undermine many women. Men have lay-dar, the ability to sniff out a desperate woman who'll have sex with them- no strings attached.  By the way 57% of men have sex on the first date. It better not be you! I swear I'll crawl through the Internet to slap you with the stupid stick.   

·         Speaking about texts, or phone calls, limit them to a time length-as in a few weeks. . Catfishing and pretext relationships are accomplished through hooking the other person and leading them on.  It's also a method that is left for losers- what I mean by that is once someone is wooing their first choice, they like to keep other fish hanging on their lines. A back up plan.  My cousin THE DON of DATING does this. He racks them up like beer in the cooler. Don't be the back-up.  Refuse the role.  You need to meet as soon as possible.  Meeting changes the dynamic- dramatically.  Give it no more than two weeks.  "What?" you are saying.  Yes- two weeks.  If he can't meet you face to face you simply ask when he will be available and suggest that he contact you then.  If you are afraid you'll lose him by having a boundary, question your desperation. By the way there are a hundred reasons why you should not enter a pretext relationhip.  That's another blog.

·         When he calls you don't answer so quickly.     

·         Unless you have met do not sit on the phone for a long period of time.  Your mind will tend to weave itself a fantasy that might not be as good as the real thing.

·         Never ever allow any sexual conversation to occur. That will get the stupid stick too.  You can make money for doing that shit- tell him to go go call 1800jerkoff.  Hang up if he begins any sex dialogue.  By the way here's the line (from THE DON)...So what are you doing now? He'll ask this at night when you're laying in bed.  "I'm sitting next to my brother, the cop, watching TV.  Don't fall for the "What are you wearing?" either. 

·         Never reveal any personal dilemma's nor allow him to.  Catfishing requires that the hook reveal some common dilemma they both face.  Anyway, it's not a good sign if he or you complain about facets of your life before you even met.

·         Never ever say that you'll cancel plans so you can meet him.  "Oh, I have a wedding to go to but I think I'll just cancel that so we can meet!"  Are you crazy? Only desperate women will cancel an event to meet a man. 

·         Desperate women give him every contact bit of information, the home phone, emails, work number.  Nix that.

·         Do not go over your dating history with him.  It's none of his business and if he asks, having never met you, he is a control freak or he's fishing to see what a desperate bottom sucker you are.

·         NEVER berate your ex.  Women who are still frothing over a past love signal desperate.  They are basically saying they need to be preoccupied by a new man.

·         Never tell him when your last relationship ended.  "Oh, I broke up with my boyfriend last week."  You are telling him that you cannot stand to be be alone for seven f---king days.  Now that is desperate. 

·         Keep you tone of voice light and happy.  Please don't make sexy talk or cutesy talk.  

·         Never ever tell a man you feel connected to them unless you have been seeing them for some time.  Yes, there are women who begin the phone and texting relationship and actually tell men that they feel a connection. To what? You only have some pictures and some words- incidentally words that are designed to entice you. That's what we do, we put our best foot forward and seldom tell people about the job we just were fired form,  our debts. . you get it.  You can't connect to someone you don't know- if you think you can, get some help. 

·       Never discuss the future with a man you have not met!  I had a friend who asked a man to consider going on a trip with her, a trip I was going on—and they had never met! 

This is important.  Many men derive a satisfaction from just the phone connection- and I'm not talking about sex.  Instead of having a real relationship they think they can connect to others and form a false belief that they are having dating and having a connection when they twiddle their fingers on a keyboard, or on that other thing, the one between their legs.  That might be all they need to be satisfied for a few hours.

In addition I will share with you one other point.  For many men the texting allows some comfort with the initial period of 'getting to know someone'.  There are great men out there but there are a lot of pussy hounds too.  men know that women are ultimately the choosers.  In other words you are the gatekeeper of your vagina.  The pressure to woo and win is daunting for most men.  I tell you to keep is short, friendly and sweet for another reason--don't lead him on. If you met before you construct some crazy fantasy (which happens) the less chance you'll bruise an ego. In the real dating world we first meet and then find common ground.  That is the way nature intended. That's why you need to know my rules- they are based on our nature- and science.  

Love and Hurricans and Tropical Storms. Sandy is coming

It was November 9, 1965 when the black-out happened.   No storm, just no power and nine months later, babies.  The legend was published in a series of three articles in the New York Times where doctors reported that they saw an increased birth rate after that week of hell.  Five years later it was debunked by  love-skeptic,  J. Richard Udry, who claimed he saw no statistical surge in screaming women in laboring.  He was so wrong.  It takes up to one year to get an egg and sperm to shake hands.  He forgot that back then there was birth control.  I know—I babysat plenty of people who had condoms in their nightstands, making a side business of harvesting their crop—it was better than weed.  I lived in a time where you might have to produce a marriage license or have your parents phoned if you tried to purchase one of those things.  But that's another story.  

Some twenty years ago there was the October snow fiasco.   Then I lived through Irene. 

Hubby didn't take it seriously so we never prepared.  By the time we realized this huff-and puff might be true, we had to battle torrents of rain to the local  Piggly-Wiggly.  No candles left I was left to use my Jewish-Italian-Hispanic resources—I knew the international aisle.  Amidst the Kosher soups, the bags of beans and boxes of pasta my hands knew where to reach,   Rokeach and Manischewitz Yahrzeit candles—to honor the dead, then Maria Mother of God greeted me between the Allessi Risotto and Colavita olive oil, followed by San Lazaro nesting next to the rice and Amanida Ajo Blanco- a Spanish white garlic.  I grabbed that garlic along with the tall yellow glass candles.  A hundred dollars later I had light.  That's when I learned what the term WATT meant: one candle equals one watt, unless they are kosher —those ingenious Jews know that white wax reflects more than yellow, blue, green or red.  Leave it to them to come up with a perfect small candle that lasts 24 hours and in the end gives you a shot glass.   

Then it hit.  We were trapped by the private road that showed us what being cut off from the world was really like.  Crazed with e-withdrawal, no power, cooking formerly frozen steaks on the barbi in the garage, eating canned goods I thought were only good enough for the poor, re-reading dog-eared novels, watching my Benz float away, my roof come off, crapping on a dry-wall bucket, drinking water from my tub, I began to go crazy.  Hubby was worse—there were no video games, baseball, football and Arnold Schwarzenegger movies to capture his attention. 

I did what and any normal person would.  Using the grill  I made a chicken dish using the risotto, an entire head of parsley and Spanish garlic I met earlier.*  I broke out the whiskey and wine, followed by the three year old weed found in my kid's knapsack.  OMG, weed is so much more potent nowadays.  We lit the fireplace and hunted down the old scrabble game now missing half the tiles.  I managed to place "frenzy" in my first hand.  He got "now" off my N.   I responded with "you" leaning off his Y.  And then he placed "uck" beneath my F. 

I was stunned, which is a strange perception when you're high.  Do you know it?  It's when half your brain is saying "wow man, isn’t this cool," and the other side is panicked and screaming,  "OMG-you shouldn't have smoked this shit."  Suddenly I realized why I gave up on pot.  But David came to my rescue.  He tenderly kissed my mouth and smiled, revealing his parsley checkerboarded teeth--confirmation that I was a great cook.  What more could  Jewish, Italian and Spanish woman want?  So with San Lorenzo summoning his power of everlasting endurance, The Virgin Mother smiling, and Jewish spirits dancing on the walls, I slowly settled on that scrabble board and did what Dr. Urdry said was a myth.  An hour later, my ample ass embedded with tiles that spelled frenzy, now, and  fuck I was tempted make the words  "fun,"  "funky," "zen," and "rock." 

Now it's Sandy.  Again, he did the same thing- poo-pooed the storm.  But not me.  After buttoning up our Woodstock house I assembled a horde of saints and Jews to back me up, with some wine.  The glass and wax is gleaming on my kitchen island, waiting for the power to go and the power to come—to learn again what's important. 

Yes I'm scared.  But the scrabbled cubes are lost and the only letter I might assemble are on keys!   So write.  dawnmhopper@gmail.com

* Lemon-garlic Chicken- (Really Italian)

I should know, I live in Italy half the year.  Don't get scared by the ingredients.   First, slowly begin to sauté a lot of chopped garlic (the whole thing head)  in olive oil, making sure you don't burn it.  Add an entire bunch of chopped up parsley.  That parsley will actually fry and transform into something you never thought parsley could be.  (Think of great sex with a really nice man).  The rule is that you don't want to burn the garlic or the parsley. Set this aside.
Now you need the chicken.  You can make this recipe with any kind of chicken.  If it's boneless breasts, salt and flour lightly, it in olive oil and butter.  Pieces can follow the same rule.

 After they are browned, put the chicken in a baking dish, followed by the garlic-parsley mix and squeeze a lemon over all of it.  Bake at @350 until you are sure that chicken is done.  Boneless breasts are done very quickly.  Cook risotto or pasta and top it with our garlic-chicken.   Now top the entire dish with a ton of grated Romano cheese.  Make sure your lips are olive-oiled  and you have plenty of parsley in between your teeth as you kiss.  My husband has fished out that green for me.   

Grandma, grandpa, parents, young and old ..What do they have in common?

The word love- as in lovers. There are more lovers in this world than not.  It's a uniting force that has sustained humanity.  Do you love some one?  Research tells us we say nicer things to stranger than the person we love, because we count on their unconditional love.  Today, tell that person how much they matter to you. Say something to rock their world.  Today I have summoned a paragraph for my love. . . How 'bout you?    

Oh no! It’s Grandma and Grandpa Gone Wild!

I wrote this blog half a year ago.  Now I want to capture my generations attention. 

               There are two words that we don’t like to hear in one sentence— “grandparents” and “sex.”  I remember quite clearly when my grandmother and I watched an episode of Dr. Ruth and she told me she wished someone had told her about orgasms. I was mortified, by both the fact that she had no clue and that the word came out of her mouth—with a Yiddish accent, too.    
            Well, it’s not your grandparents’ world anymore.  The University of Chicago's National Social Life, Health and Aging Project (NSHAP), presented in the New England Journal of Medicine, tells a different story about grandma and grandpa; they are sexually active, engaging in intercourse, oral sex and masturbation—well into their 70s and 80s. The boomer generation is having record sex; enjoying sex as much or more than when they were younger, and to prove it they are acquiring sexually transmitted diseases in record numbers.

          Sex may decline only slightly between ages 50 to 70 and those between 70 to 85 seem to be affected only by health problems or the availability of a partner, not desire. Boomers and seniors biggest complaint about sex is that they lack information; about sexually transmitted diseases, performance issues such as erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness or lubrication.  

“I have no one to ask about these things,” said Marion S. at the Boomer Health Fair in Albany, New York.  “My doctor rushes me out and other than the internet I suppose I’m alone on this.”

            Marion is not alone.  According to the NSHAP study, nearly one in seven men or 14% interviewed, reported taking medication to improve sexual function, and 38% reported they discussed sex with their doctor.  Much fewer women, 22%, reported discussing sex with a physician after age 50.  The researchers concluded that physicians have reasons and opportunities to open up dialogue with men because of the availability of drugs on the market to treat male sexual issues. But that appears to be changing; women are demanding treatments for libido loss, vaginal dryness and appear to coax their husbands to medical offices so they can find solutions to his problems.  Of course not everyone wants their husband amped up on testosterone or drugs that might restore his erection, but a lot more women than we might think do. The truth is we are living longer and healthier lives and we still want to be sexually active.  

The Power of our Words

The single largest predictor of happiness in a relationship comes down to the number of positive acts, affirmations compared to the number of negative actions.  In other words, actions and words can hurt.  The quickest way to rid yourself of a partner is to forget this rule.  So for today try this exercise a practice I live on a daily basis.  Tell the people you love something nice about themselves.  Maybe it is something you appreciate; a quality, a small act they might have done for you....

Why am I telling you this? I've been doing this for almost 2o years.  It came to me one day when I stood at the base of the staircase screaming at the kids and my husband. As my voice echoed up the landing and around the corner a reality hit me: I sounded exactly like the kind of person I did not like.  I sounded like my own mother!  (Sorry mom, I love you  but you really were a huge complainer!)

On that day I tried a new tactic.  Polite asking, calmness and reminding myself to tell my family and those I love something that affirms my feelings.  So often we say nicer things to strangers than the people we love.  We take advantage of the fact that their love is always there - despite what we do.  Unconditional love needs to be rewarded!

I have spent the last three weeks flat on my back from a surgical procedure and while I have had a headache,  been unable to write, have a mental fog,  and I have been depressed.  I cannot take care of any of them.  I can't even bathe.  My kids and husband have rallied around me and when I began crying about how terrible and confused I feel my husband looked at me and said, " We all love you so much and have no problem taking care of you for a while."  Then they made me dinner and after my husband helped me shampoo my hair and painted my toenails.

I lay on the bed laughing while he made polka dots on my nails.  "You are the best husband," I told him.  He smiled back and cuddled up next to me and said, "I know you think so and I hope I can always be that great-man-on-the-pedestal that you put me on."  And he is and was.

Today, for me, tell someone you love something nice.

When Men Touch

The sign of love- touch.  He reaches for her hand, he traces his finger through her hair, she slides her arms around him. It's MUCH more telling for men.  Women have evolved to use touch to nurture our young and for them touch comes easier.  But not for men.  While men will touch to obtain sexual pleasure when satisfied, and that man feels nothing for the woman, he will withdraw.   But that is separate from a man's touch of love.  Men don't kiss the freckles on the back of the prostitute they have just satisfied themselves with.  They won't ask her to cuddle with him.  However when men love, they want to touch after sexual satisfaction.   Touch revs up their calm nature with a neurochemical that relaxes, promotes health, connection and attachment and gives us that warm and fuzzy feeling- vasopressin in men and oxytocin in  women. 
So important is touch that infants will not thrive without it, it can lower blood pressure, raise immunity, and of course signal that you are cared for.  Touch is necessary but there are rules: personal space is the cultural applied area between what is fine and what is invasive. 
Are you in love?  Don't forget to touch...

What is your love style?

What’s your love style?  While we have mapped the brain and found evidence of passion on our minds we’ve also found powerful neurochemicals that allow us to enjoy those warm and fuzzy moments with one another.  Driven by Oxytocin in women and vasopressin in men these connections ignite the moment we are born and comforted by our caregivers.  Yes, this time you can blame it all on your parents. Attachment is hallmarked by our ability to form trusting bonds and realistic expectations of those in our love circle.  Test yourself -   

The Myths and Legends Sex and Love

Excuse the way the questions are worded- They all came out of some scientific research study and scientists are not known for their sparkling dialog and catchy phases!!

Score yourself by the following

1= True    2= False

A real guy should want sex a lot of the time  ___