Sex and Love 100

Musings on the most basic life skill . . .

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Dr. Oz Fails with Sex Dreams

So you have a sex dream- what does it mean?  Is it the result of desires, unresolved issues, anger, secret or unconscious wishes?  Most likely it is nothing! For the most part your dreams are nothing but mental garbage!  You had a slew of dreams last night and your brain is programmed so you don't recall any of them.  But we sometimes recall the last one of the night or the very anxiety provoking ones.  Our anxieties do infiltrate our dreams so those dreams where your boss is sstrangling us might reflect a grain of your reality.  But sex dreams? 

Dr. Oz gave bad information today.  Sex dreams are not only normal but they do not predict anything.  Rarely can you control who the hell you are having sex with.  Ten years ago I had a sex dream about our next door neighbor "Old Bill," who was about 90 and had at least ten cats.  The worst part of the dream is that it was great sex.  I had outrageous fantastic sex with this old man.   My poor husband kept asking me to invite Old Bill over for dinner like we used to do.  This dream was so vivid I could never look at "Old Bill" in the face again.  I was tempted to ask him "if it was as good for him as it was for me" but I ended up ignoring the poor old man until we moved a year later!   Why did I dream about Old Bill?  Was it some secret desire?  Not at all.  I probably went to bed a little amorous and that very night I remember that David was outside cleaning our pool and talking to Old Bill.  It is all normal.  Enjoy them now because as you age you will have less and less of them. 

Wouldn't it be great if we could program ourselves to dream about great looking sexy people and have a happy ending?  Most of the time we wake up before that point!  Thankfully sex dreams mean nothing.  Straight sex, gay sex, sex with strangers and sex with people you know and the worst, sex with someone strange.  A few years back a student told me he had a dream that he had sex with older woman who served him his cafeteria meal each day in high school.  Hundreds of pounds overweight, mole on her face with a billy goat beard, he told the entire class he had crazy-good sex with her.   But this was topped by another students who anxiously waited for my office hour to come and ask me what I thought of his sex dream: he dreamed he had sex with a dog.  "What's wrong with me?" He asked. 

"Nothing," I told him. "The first good thing is that you feel disgusted and the second good thing is that you didn't go to the pound and adopt a dog."   Dr. Dawn Marlena Hopper

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The Power of our Words

The single largest predictor of happiness in a relationship comes down to the number of positive acts, affirmations compared to the number of negative actions.  In other words, actions and words can hurt.  The quickest way to rid yourself of a partner is to forget this rule.  So for today try this exercise a practice I live on a daily basis.  Tell the people you love something nice about themselves.  Maybe it is something you appreciate; a quality, a small act they might have done for you....

Why am I telling you this? I've been doing this for almost 2o years.  It came to me one day when I stood at the base of the staircase screaming at the kids and my husband. As my voice echoed up the landing and around the corner a reality hit me: I sounded exactly like the kind of person I did not like.  I sounded like my own mother!  (Sorry mom, I love you  but you really were a huge complainer!)

On that day I tried a new tactic.  Polite asking, calmness and reminding myself to tell my family and those I love something that affirms my feelings.  So often we say nicer things to strangers than the people we love.  We take advantage of the fact that their love is always there - despite what we do.  Unconditional love needs to be rewarded!

I have spent the last three weeks flat on my back from a surgical procedure and while I have had a headache,  been unable to write, have a mental fog,  and I have been depressed.  I cannot take care of any of them.  I can't even bathe.  My kids and husband have rallied around me and when I began crying about how terrible and confused I feel my husband looked at me and said, " We all love you so much and have no problem taking care of you for a while."  Then they made me dinner and after my husband helped me shampoo my hair and painted my toenails.

I lay on the bed laughing while he made polka dots on my nails.  "You are the best husband," I told him.  He smiled back and cuddled up next to me and said, "I know you think so and I hope I can always be that great-man-on-the-pedestal that you put me on."  And he is and was.

Today, for me, tell someone you love something nice.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

When Men Touch

The sign of love- touch.  He reaches for her hand, he traces his finger through her hair, she slides her arms around him. It's MUCH more telling for men.  Women have evolved to use touch to nurture our young and for them touch comes easier.  But not for men.  While men will touch to obtain sexual pleasure when satisfied, and that man feels nothing for the woman, he will withdraw.   But that is separate from a man's touch of love.  Men don't kiss the freckles on the back of the prostitute they have just satisfied themselves with.  They won't ask her to cuddle with him.  However when men love, they want to touch after sexual satisfaction.   Touch revs up their calm nature with a neurochemical that relaxes, promotes health, connection and attachment and gives us that warm and fuzzy feeling- vasopressin in men and oxytocin in  women. 
So important is touch that infants will not thrive without it, it can lower blood pressure, raise immunity, and of course signal that you are cared for.  Touch is necessary but there are rules: personal space is the cultural applied area between what is fine and what is invasive. 
Are you in love?  Don't forget to touch...

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

For everyone on V-Day

Someone is alone today.  A friend may be trailing a broken heart, another might be mourning the loved one that has passed on, and many on this special night have no waiting arms to fall into.  But they are still recognized on this day when we celebrate our profound capacity to connect to others though the unique human gift we all possess: the ability to love. Love is an elixir there is no one true recipe for and all its ingredients are attainable—to anyone at any time.  Love can shape itself into any form, is bottomless, endless, can laugh in the face of time and can be summoned from a simple wisp of thoughtful energy.  So my friends, today remember to send that gift to someone...Dr. Dawn Marlena Hopper

http://www.myspace.com/music/player?sid=50213531&ac=now

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Happy Valentines Day- Can you Please Penis and Clitoris up?


What?  What the hell is that about?  My girlfriend told me she wanted one thing for her Valentine's day present.  It was not a ring, a piece of jewelry, flowers or chocolates.  In fact it is free.  She asked me to write this and she is going to set it under his pillow.
First, only 20% of all women can orgasm without clitoral stimulation.  I think is a hell of a lot more but since we are all supposed to be orgasmic and amateur porn stars ready to go for that great guy, few want to fess up to their need for some FOREPLAY.  What is FOREPLAY?  I actually heard this once while giving a sex lecture -" Four minutes of sexual play before penetration." Blame it on porn- the absolutely worst training material- but that will be another blog! 

So what does girlfriend want from her husband?  A warm bath, bubbles, a massage, a bottle of wine, to sit face to face naked and talk about love for a full five minutes, no touching, to kiss for a whole five minutes without tongues, then another five minutes with tongues, and then she wants him to ask her one question.  "What can I do to make you happy? - Show me" 

She tells me this story and I all-of-sudden- get something really big- she cannot bring herself to tell this man!  Is she alone? Hardly.  Many many women stay silent.  Research tells us they do this for many reasons; sex guilt, embarrassment, afraid they are abnormal or will be viewed as abnormal, they don't want to be demanded, hurt his feelings...on and on the list goes. 

Here is my Valentine’s Day suggestions to write on that card.
Actually make a list of all the reasons and qualities you love then for.
Write the lyrics of a song that reminds you of them.
Send that loved-one the song as a message.
Text lover all day with simple words that all add up to a romantic encounter "Tonight...." pause for a few minutes..."I want ...." 
Or text lover with a menu of the dish you might be serving.
And for my shy friends, do what my girlfriend is going to do. She is sending him a card and beginning with the following words "Honey, I found this on the internet in a sex and love blog,  and I thought it would be the best gift we could give each other.  So read this and tell me what you think:

Happy Valentines form your Sex and Love Fairy Godmother.  Here is a special recipe for a great night.  Give this to your lover!

1. Let's take a bath.  Please open a bottle of wine and light a candle. 
2.  Let's sit face to face and let's tell each other what we love about each other. (Tonight it is only about the two of you- no other's, no erotica, no sex toys, it is only the two of you.)  We have to come up with at least 10 qualities or memories.      
2.  Now we need to kiss for five minutes, gentle, no tongues. 
3.  Now we need to kiss for another five minutes, no rules. 
3. Stop.
4. Now we tell each other something that we have never shared before: 
   * Tell me one fantasy that you have had about me and I will tell you one I have had about you.       
   *Tell me one thing you would really find pleasurable that I can do, that involves me that you have not told me before. I will share the same with you.

  * Show me, by taking my hands or describing exactly one thing I can do to give you pleasure - and in return I will show you or teach you something that can give me pleasure. 

Do men love? Giving Men a Bad Rap


            Recently, a comment swayed my thinking about love and sex towards a different direction.  “I don’t have bad men stories to tell,” was the comment I made, which might be defined as “I don’t have man-hate.”   For sure I do have some really bad stories to tell that have involved a man.  I have been that one in four statistics often quoted; it was a relative and I was a mere three when it began.  In my younger years it did shape some perceptions of trust but bad things happen to all of us.   It really is what we do with the bad that truly shapes us. 
            When I began my research on men and love I discovered (it was easy) that many of us hate men.  Really hate men; and we love to hate men.  Sure, we find one here and there we exempt from the man-hate rule.  We brand them different, exceptional or worthy for some reason.  “He’s not like the rest of them,” I heard my girlfriend tell me. 
            Man bashing is a sport.  I have spent a lot of time around women and a lot of time they get on the male bashing rant.  I remember many years ago  the conversation in college that turned to the bad sex we had experienced with men and dialogue went on to the about the strangeness, uniqueness of their body parts or techniques.   This poor guy Rob was discussed by two of the women.  He was my Physics study partner and every time I looked at him in the face I could only think about the fact his penis turned to the left and he had one testicle.  Okay- that might be funny but here is the real point- How often do men get together and degrade vaginas?  Tell me if you are a guy out there and you and your buddies have sat around degrading and discussing the bad sex you’ve had.  And it’s not all about sex.  I’ve been privy to all the faults of men for my 25 year history as a therapist.  In couples therapy I hear it all, what a louse he is, his sexual follies, fetishes, hygiene habits but when I meet this guy he only mutters “I don’t know what is going on.”  Nothing about fat ass that say in my chair the hour before.  Men have a really difficult time ranting about us.  And God forbid they do- I cannot image a male college professor entering a class and talking about women and the power tactics they use. 

            But we are entitled to do this.  Yes!  Somehow our enslavement has given us a sort of permission to sling the mud right back and in a way, we are set up for us to do this.  We can hate men politically and historically for enslaving us and taking away our freedoms.  Show me a time in history where women were on equal footing, when double standards did not exist—yes there are a handful of examples out there, but it’s child-sized.  I’ve had women heckle me—yell out in lecture centers, “ female circumcision…rape…divorce laws….”  Yes I agree.  They also kill us!  Murder us!  I have a theory about why men have done this, why some men do this and why society and social forces were culpable.   It might be a strange idea but I believe that men love women far more than women may realize.  Controlling women is the cultural or societal method to do so- bind them in marriages they can’t leave, sew their vagina’s shut, stone them for adultery.   What religion is not guilty of setting up rules to make women obey men?  Yeah, I know we’ve come a long way.  But really, women are second class citizens in most of the faith realms. 
            Aside for culture, religion and history, on a personal level men will go to great lengths for their love objects; they take the physically most demanding jobs, they take the riskiest jobs, they die on the job ten times more than women do, and engage in the most dangerous activities to support their families or women in their lives.  And they die much earlier than we do.  My poor father-in-law built his own house out of wood crates, worked 60 hours a week as a meat cutter to support his 10 children and dropped dead days after he retired.   Yes, my poor mother-in-law was delegated to her role of cooking, cleaning, making him happy and reading her bible which told her to never complain. 
            I know I’m getting philosophical on you.  but I want you to think of all the things we have come to associated with mans’ hate and control a little differently—It  is driven by fear of abandonment or the fear of losing the object of love.  Men might love us so much they enslave us, and sometimes themselves in the process.  And there is evidence in the brain and the neurochemical make up- but that will have to wait.   
What do you think? 



Tuesday, February 7, 2012

On Penis Issues...Again

One of my favorite jobs is to answer questions that people have.  Even the seemingly strangest I enjoy answering.  So often we beat ourselves up because we think there is something worng with us- and this is so true of younger people. I had a student discover this blog- I have another more sedate one for students but he miskeyed and got here.  So he comes up to me after class.   This nice young man- who could have been my kid- is psychological turmoil and spends the next half hour beating around the bush (no pun intended) because he is worried about his genitalia- being that he is uncircumcised.  It seems that while watching a movie  about a bad boss ( I need to see) a comment is made about uncircumcised penises.  The girl he is dating makes a rude comment and they all talk about it- in a negative way- and here is this poor kid sitting there horrified.  Oh what I have heard from young people in the past 25 years- I could and should write a book- I maybe I will.  This sweet soul could have been my own kid - although they have been "C'd" but I talk to him.

First I tell him that there is nothing wrong with the "un-C'd" version - nothing.  Second I tell them they are immature.  I have never heard a woman in my life complain because the man she loved had some extra skin on his little man.  I told him to ask her why it makes a difference and be upfront- tell her that maybe they should stop seeing each other.  Most likely she is just uniformed and will be sensitive enough to realize that we don't love men because of their penises but in spite of them!  We really don't care.  When women are in love they will name the damn thing.

So, for that young man- and all the poor young men who think there is something wrong with themselves, maybe you think you are too small, too marrow, too bent, to this too that, FORGET IT.  I never, and I mean I never heard a woman in love tell me 'he's great but I don't like his penis.   In fact my really good friend confided in me recently that her husband had an erect penis of only two inches.  "I loved him and it really didn't matter," she told me.  But she did tell me since she decided to divorce him when she found out he was using that thing on paid escorts.
Guys- let it go.  Women will love you despite, in spite, without reserve, because that is what love is!  An elixir that blinds and binds you! Women- could you please have some tact!    Dr. Dawn Marlena Hopper.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

The Naked Truth

     OMG- this topic sooo deserves to be front and center and I credit my gf Laurie for the idea.  Some of us hate our nakedness.  I mean HATE!  Body dysmorphia - the idea that we do not have the correct perception of what we look like, is epidemic- most especially in the US.  Most women rate themselves heavier and less attractive.  When it comes to getting nude, unless we do porn for a living, nude modeling or spend weekends in a nudist camp, we are nervous.  By the way, you can blame it on those bitches who bleach their sphincters, rip out their body hair and inflate their boobs like basketballs and the media that shoves such ideals down our throats.  I like my bod but I have to admit even I have moments.  If you say you don't you are a liar. 
       But I will share this- last year my very close friends and I decided to get to our naked flaws and show each other what we hated about our bodies the most.  So there we were, seven of us topless, bottomless, stomachs out, bent over, OMG did we look like a sight. But the strangest thing was none of us thought any of the others were offensive, ugly or strange.   And we all felt that way about one another.  So we went around the room and talked.  In one of those powerful sisterly moments I felt so beautiful....  We all did.  It was truely a lesson, or reality check.  But not everyone lives in Woodstock and has friends that will do this.
      I will admit my favorite shopping moment is when I see that STAR magazine at the register covered with horrendous celebrity pics in bikinis; this one emaciated and that one with rolls but the best are the saggy, baggy and flabby ones.  I gloat because Demi Moore has cellulite all over her ass.  "Ha Ha Ha," I  say to myself.  If I could have turned to kiss my own ass at that moment I would have.   I stand at the longest line and tear through the pages to see those fat bitches, dimpled and sagging and then I say to myself;  wow self, wow sister-women we are not the only SHAR-PEI females!!!!  Why do I feel so good? Because someone tells the truth and somewhere in east BumF--k there is this woman, who is down on her self,  who sees that STAR magazine and realizes there is no such thing as prefect. 
Alas, I have not really let it get to me. 
     But here is what one of my Girl friends told me:  I figure that my poor husband has not seen me totally naked in 20 years.  He only thinks he has.  I told him the topic of my blog and he laughed.  "I've seen you naked every day."  But he doesn't know that it is an optical illusion.  It's like the fan dance the old strippers did.  First I uncover myself on the bed.  Everyone looks good horizontally.  That is the reason we go into the ground on our backs not standing straight up and down.  They lay us out this way because all the flesh seems to stay put- like Jello.  Using gravity and a forced suck of air, I flatten my stomach, raise my floppy thighs up so they look thinner and reach for the robe.  Then I slide out of bed with the robe.  I let it grace my had-too-many-babies-belly.  Expertly I allow some peeking and then I turn fast, the robe is on and I make my way to the bathroom. 
     Women, we all know the tricks to give us confidence.   Then there is candlelight.  OMG if ever there was every a cheap aid for sex (besides olive oil) it's candle light.  Light them up!  Then there is lingerie.  Preferably the kind that gives you a lift here and there.  If that doesn't work make sure you use your upper arms to prop your poor old girls up and out of your arm pits.
     Finally there is wine.  Everything looks better through rosé colored glasses.  A few later and you won't care what he thinks! 
     If you are young and reading this I'm only telling you what you have to look forward to.  Hard to believe but younger women are MORE bothered by their physical appearance than older women.  We have confidence on our side.  Actually when I think about it I really don't think I have seen my own self in the mirror too recently.  But the truth is we shouldn't worry at all.  Why?  Men really don't care, they are really not that critical!
     Think about it for a minute.  Imagine this: have you ever heard of a guy stopping sex and saying "Wow, I can't get into it now that I see you have cellulite on your thighs."  Are you kidding!    I know I've told you some funny things and my husband is reading over my shoulder at this very moment.  He just said "passion is an airbrush."  Yes it is.  In those moments you don't notice the flaws or what we think are flaws.  In reality there are NO FLAWS.  What we need is confidence in who we are and what we bring to the relationship-   You are beautiful and deserving.  Say it again- YOU ARE DESERVING-  Dr.  Dawn Marlena Hopper
What do you think????

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Help! I'm not in the Mood! A TMI Sex blog

A TMI (too much information) sex blog...            
 “I really am not in the mood to have sex with Brian,” she says. 
Over dinner the eight women go back and forth over the topic.  It’s Woodstock- peace and love- we have few inhibitions.  I listen. 
            “He’s always in the mood, but I can’t even think about it.”
            Men are usually in the mood.  The easiest way to get rid of a man is to stop having  sex with him.  Having sex with him will not necessarily keep him or win him—that’s a truth—but denying your partner on a regular basis is a recipe for disaster.   I relayed this blog to my uncle Sammy – over 80 and wise as the best potato chip, and he laughed.  He knew.  And so do I.
            Do you think we are all in the mood?  And what the hell is in the mood anyway?  If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard this expression I’d be in Italy, sunning myself in Capri.
            Mood is what YOU make.  Yes, you can make it.  TMI, but I have been with the same man for a very long time.  Without porn, with five children at our feet, we have managed to have a lot of sex.  Do you think I was in the mood all the time? 
            My girlfriend relayed this story to me over a bottle of wine:
            When we have sex we ususally put on the TV so our daughter can't hear what is going on.  Of course we try to pick a noisy channel and one that we won't be interested in so we can concentrate on our own plot.  So I switch the channel to Shop NBC, QVC, JTV and HSN- I KNOW my husband won’t look at the TV if it’s about shopping.  
            However, on this one occasion, when I wasn’t in the mood, I saw something.  They flashed a necklace; amethysts, rough cut.  Exactly what my daughter wanted.  It was on clearance.  They posted the sales figures, like a countdown—which seemed to come every second, thrust in my face like bait.  I counted the action on my end and in a panic I made the decision to help it along.  Time was running out.  I needed to buy that necklace!  In the end I got the necklace.
            She is not alone.  I have a friend who admitted to me she was finishing a novel when her partner suddenly was really in the mood.  
            “What did you do?”  I asked.
            “I told him he could do whatever he wanted but I was going to take the last 10 pages.”
            She told him to pretend she was a naked libriarian.  She read the conclusion and they finished together. 
             
            But truth be told, mood can change.  In a study of orgasmic women it was found that they had a hand in putting  themselves in the mood (pun intended).  Maybe a bath, some sexy underwear, daydreaming,  and thinking about something that is a turn on, a glass of wine. . . they prepped themselves. Orgasmic women are also more able to control men sexually.  That is another blog, but they can exact what they want from the encounter. 
            But back to mood.  The quickest way to get rid of your man besides stopping sex with him is to not seem to be interested in him.  You aren’t a monkey who only allows sex when you are in heat.  The creator gave you a vagina, the most receptive hostess known in the animal kingdom.  Do you think men are more sexual?  HA!  If I ran an ad on Craigslist tomorrow I could have a line around my house of willing male sex partners and I could service each and every one of them.  Can a man do that?   Okay, get the visual out of your mind, I am saying that we can have sex just by doing virtually nothing. 
            So I asked her this; “Isn’t being ravished, adored, wanted, and cherished, good enough?   I was trying to get to the root of it.  Women have a lot of sex for self-esteem reasons, to feel wanted, appreciated….something else was cooking here. 
            “What do you mean?” She asked.
            “Well, most women have sex for a reason.  Not to always orgasm, but to feel different emotions.   
            She thought for a second.  “I never thought of that.  But after working all day, dragging kids around, cooking, and cleaning I’m burned out. ”
            “That’s not all there is to it.  Yes, you’re exhausted but are you a little mad, or angry? I asked.
            “A little? Are you kidding?  I work all day and come home to more work.  Do you think anyone can shift gears like that?
            I laughed.  “Men can.  A crying baby doesn’t turn off their switch.   One time my mother called and my husband handed me the receiver and kept going—of course without me.”
            The table laughed.  I continued.  “You need to tell him, calmly and honestly.  You might find he’s willing to take over some tasks, do something extra, and change his game, if he knows how you feel.  It’s about equity, knowing that you are getting what you believe you deserve from the relationship.  You might need help around the house – for you this might be a big deal.  But I can tell you one thing, sex is a bigger deal for men.  Men will do almost anything to get vagina.”
            She resolved to discuss it.  However men who help out in the house do have additional payoffs – research tells us that when people have that balance or equity, they have more sex.   
            Even if you’re not in the mood you might look at that wonderful guy, who diapered your babies,  put the others to bed,  washed the dishes, maybe did a load of laundry,  a whole lot more righteously.   When women are happy with men, they make love, not war.  Not in the mood- It’s just an excuse.