What Do Men Want?

Today I met a friend for lunch with a copy of my book on men—a book jammed packed with their love stories.  For one hour we discussed my ideas.  The woman at the next table felt my very words were an insult to her ears.

She went militant on me.  I tried to calm her.  But when she called me a crazy religious zealot and an affront to all women who fought for women's rights I went "Gloria" on her.  I lived in a women's commune in the mid-seventies!  Burn my bra?  I cut a huge hole in the ass of my jeans and let my checks spill out.  I fought idiots at Planned Parenthood.  This wasn't the first time I got that reaction and it won't be the last.  I love men and because I love it doesn't negate the fact I love women.  SO I'm reposting Dr. Helen Fisher's blog that gets to the meat.

For centuries Americans and people just about everywhere else, have believed a lot of things about women that we now realize aren’t true.  Among them, the credos that a woman’s place is in the home and that aging single women—long called spinsters—are sad misfits.  Decades of marches, articles, books, law suits and national, regional and local discussions have finally uprooted these and many more wrong beliefs about women.  This national survey furthers that cause.   Indeed, it shows that women seek more independence in a partnership than men do.

But I have long wanted to bust myriad myths about the other half of the human race–men.  Single in America does it in spades.   This national survey clearly shows that men are just as eager to marry as women are; 33% of both sexes want to say “I do.”  Moreover, men in every age group are more eager than women to have children.  Even young men.  Among those between ages 21 and 34, 51% of men want kids, while 46% of women yearn for young.  Men are less picky too.  Fewer men say it is  important to find a partner of their own ethnic background (20% of men vs 29%  of women said this is a “must have” or “very important”); and fewer say they want someone of their own religion (17% of men vs 28% of women said this is a “must have” or “very important”).   Men are also more likely to have experienced love at first sight, as well as open to introducing a date to their parents sooner.

Perhaps most impressive:  In a committed relationship, men are less likely to say they need personal space (58% vs 77% of women); less likely to want nights out with friends (23% vs 35% of women); less eager to own their own bank account (47% vs 66% of women); and less likely to want to take a vacation on their own (8% vs 12%).  Remarkably, men under age 45 are also more willing  than older men and women to enter a committed relationship with someone who has everything they were looking for in a partner, but whom they do not find sexually attractive.  And just as many men under 35 believe you can stay married to the same person forever (84%). http://blog.match.com/2011/02/04/the-forgotten-sex-men/

Sorry, we are not from other planets.  Dr. Dawn Hopper

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder- Especially When You're in Front of the Mirror

Beauty matters. It took mother to remind me of this—she’s 87.  Seems like all the years trying to get her to look at the computer were in vain—it  was her vanity that took her to the mouse in search of a lipstick she had to have—hers was on its last lick.   She sat all afternoon savoring www.beautynewsnyc.com, in my construction-zone of a house while my husband hammered away above us.  She never noticed--him in his short shorts or the pounding.  Mesmerized by pages of beauty tips and news she finally broke the spell and spoke. 

“Beauty matters,” said. 

All of a sudden I wondered if she thought I’d forgotten; in 90 +  degree weather, putting a new roof on ourWoodstock house, I nixed the make-up and hair for a week—my bare ass hadn’t seen the shower either.  “Mom, of course I know it matters.”  She sensed my concern.

“No, I don’t mean you, I mean you psychologists—you know, they think it all comes from inside.  You can’t forget that no one likes the gift that comes in a brown paper bag.” She laughed and added, “We all need a little gift wrap.”

How right she is.  Beauty is not a nasty word; it influences what other’s think of us and what we think of us.  I’m not talking about ravishing beauty, I’m not talking about obsessive beauty—everyone is beautiful; we need to take pleasure in enhancing our appearance  A refined face belies a refined person.  Sure we judge books by their covers; are you supposed to read the damn thing standing at the bookshelf?  Taking care of our outer self is very crucial—one of the first signs of depression is a lack of regard for one’s beauty.  Have you ever left the hair dressers feeling on top of the world?  Sure you have.  My grandmother would practically hop and skip on the sidewalk after—and she left with a purple head.  Did you know the hottest selling female product in recessions is lipsticks and beauty products—why? Oh, how great we feel with a new face.  

There I sat, on wood floors heaved from the rain that in puddles while I was dining in Italy, staring up at  a hole in my roof that now revealed the big dipper, while watching the dollar bills being transformed into plywood, shingles and sheet rock.  I went into the bathroom to see what I could scrap off of my cruddy mosquito bitten body and see what I could scrape up—in the make-up department.  I spied it on the sink.  Mom had left her prized lipstick, nearly dead, but just enough so I could feel like kissing my misery away, with my construction foreman, who wanted to fiddle, but not on the roof.  Thanks mom.  

The Naked Truth

     OMG- this topic sooo deserves to be front and center and I credit my gf Laurie for the idea.  Some of us hate our nakedness.  I mean HATE!  Body dysmorphia - the idea that we do not have the correct perception of what we look like, is epidemic- most especially in the US.  Most women rate themselves heavier and less attractive.  When it comes to getting nude, unless we do porn for a living, nude modeling or spend weekends in a nudist camp, we are nervous.  By the way, you can blame it on those bitches who bleach their sphincters, rip out their body hair and inflate their boobs like basketballs and the media that shoves such ideals down our throats.  I like my bod but I have to admit even I have moments.  If you say you don't you are a liar. 
       But I will share this- last year my very close friends and I decided to get to our naked flaws and show each other what we hated about our bodies the most.  So there we were, seven of us topless, bottomless, stomachs out, bent over, OMG did we look like a sight. But the strangest thing was none of us thought any of the others were offensive, ugly or strange.   And we all felt that way about one another.  So we went around the room and talked.  In one of those powerful sisterly moments I felt so beautiful....  We all did.  It was truely a lesson, or reality check.  But not everyone lives in Woodstock and has friends that will do this.
      I will admit my favorite shopping moment is when I see that STAR magazine at the register covered with horrendous celebrity pics in bikinis; this one emaciated and that one with rolls but the best are the saggy, baggy and flabby ones.  I gloat because Demi Moore has cellulite all over her ass.  "Ha Ha Ha," I  say to myself.  If I could have turned to kiss my own ass at that moment I would have.   I stand at the longest line and tear through the pages to see those fat bitches, dimpled and sagging and then I say to myself;  wow self, wow sister-women we are not the only SHAR-PEI females!!!!  Why do I feel so good? Because someone tells the truth and somewhere in east BumF--k there is this woman, who is down on her self,  who sees that STAR magazine and realizes there is no such thing as prefect. 
Alas, I have not really let it get to me. 
     But here is what one of my Girl friends told me:  I figure that my poor husband has not seen me totally naked in 20 years.  He only thinks he has.  I told him the topic of my blog and he laughed.  "I've seen you naked every day."  But he doesn't know that it is an optical illusion.  It's like the fan dance the old strippers did.  First I uncover myself on the bed.  Everyone looks good horizontally.  That is the reason we go into the ground on our backs not standing straight up and down.  They lay us out this way because all the flesh seems to stay put- like Jello.  Using gravity and a forced suck of air, I flatten my stomach, raise my floppy thighs up so they look thinner and reach for the robe.  Then I slide out of bed with the robe.  I let it grace my had-too-many-babies-belly.  Expertly I allow some peeking and then I turn fast, the robe is on and I make my way to the bathroom. 
     Women, we all know the tricks to give us confidence.   Then there is candlelight.  OMG if ever there was every a cheap aid for sex (besides olive oil) it's candle light.  Light them up!  Then there is lingerie.  Preferably the kind that gives you a lift here and there.  If that doesn't work make sure you use your upper arms to prop your poor old girls up and out of your arm pits.
     Finally there is wine.  Everything looks better through rosé colored glasses.  A few later and you won't care what he thinks! 
     If you are young and reading this I'm only telling you what you have to look forward to.  Hard to believe but younger women are MORE bothered by their physical appearance than older women.  We have confidence on our side.  Actually when I think about it I really don't think I have seen my own self in the mirror too recently.  But the truth is we shouldn't worry at all.  Why?  Men really don't care, they are really not that critical!
     Think about it for a minute.  Imagine this: have you ever heard of a guy stopping sex and saying "Wow, I can't get into it now that I see you have cellulite on your thighs."  Are you kidding!    I know I've told you some funny things and my husband is reading over my shoulder at this very moment.  He just said "passion is an airbrush."  Yes it is.  In those moments you don't notice the flaws or what we think are flaws.  In reality there are NO FLAWS.  What we need is confidence in who we are and what we bring to the relationship-   You are beautiful and deserving.  Say it again- YOU ARE DESERVING-  Dr.  Dawn Marlena Hopper
What do you think????

Who do we pick: Attractiveness

      Why is attractiveness important?

     Love can be sometimes, logical.  Science has been able to give us some trends that may predict who we pick. Of course all our behavior is influenced by our lens of culture, family values, religion and social backdrop but the following truths have emerged. 

     Both men and women pick attractiveness as the number one criteria.  Numerous studies point to a social perception we might have when looking at attractive face.  It’s most likely built into us, honed by thousands of years of evolution.  Think about it this way, when you meet someone you have no clue about them.  Our ancestors relied on physical cues.  If he had a face full of sores and was emaciated you might think that this person was sick, unhealthy.  Do you want to sit next to the guy sneezing and coughing on the train?  No.  We avoid people who do not look fit or healthy. The sale of acne medications relies on this very assumption...