Sex and Love 100

Musings on the most basic life skill . . .

Sunday, December 18, 2011

How did you learn about sex? A 1960's Sex Education Lecture

     When I was about 11 years old, I rode my bike to my friend Linda Scalotta's house to play with our ‘Barbie dolls’.  She was a whole two years older.  She said to me,  “Come in my brother Nicky’s room and look what I found under his bed."  I knew my bother kept his GI Joe's there, then again, Nicky was 23 and my bother was 9.  She pulled a pile of magazines from under the bed and placed them on the chenille bedspread.  She opened one up.   I saw something so strange.  It was a grown man and he was wearing a mask on his private parts, it had a horrible long pink nose, and hair all around it!  To this day I can't get myself to look at those Marx brother phony noses that hood up to the eye glasses.  I was confused, actually I may have been in shock.
     Of course, Linda explained.  I was horrified and imagine my contorted face;  Linda began to tell me what I was really looking at.  "That’s not true," I yelled furiously yelled  "That’s not true." Now, I insisted.  " I have seen my bother every night in the tub and he doesn’t have one of those things!"
        She replied that “that’s what your parents do!”  I attacked her like a vicious dog.  “My parents don’t do anything like this,”  I screamed.  I remember peddling my bike furiously home, running in screaming to my mother, who then told me "it was all true."
      “Don’t you remember the book I gave you called The Gift of Life?"  She asked.  I searched my memory.  Cartoon pictures.  First page, a girl with hair under her arms, a boy shaving.  Page two; they meet.  By page five they were standing at the altar.  By page 6 they kissed at the altar.  Page seven; I recalled a magnifying, the kind you got in the science kit.  In the lens was a tadpole-like thing, it was being met by something else.  Oh yes, it was a seed.  Of course I knew it.  You grow hair under your arms and meet a boy who shaves.  You get married.  As you kiss him at the altar a tadpole swims out of his mouth and you swallow it.  It would look for the seed to eat. Hence, page nine told it all; she had a baby growing in her tummy and the baby came out.  I assumed of the belly button.  The book never said.  But I had caught enough tadpoles in the yard to know exactly where they came from.  I thought of all the neighborhood boys who had jars of swimming tadpoles on in the bedrooms.  It all made perfect sense to me.   Then it was all ruined.
     My mother continued with the rest of the story. I recall hearing only the words penis, erection and pain.  Her warning came in the form of a secret;  if you had sex a man's penis could get stuck in your vagina, just like what happened with the neighbors dogs.  My mind raced back to the event between FiFi and King; the Smith's poodle and the Herbacks German Shepard.  My mother told me they had to hose the animals down to pull them apart.
      She peered into my face, eyes bulging,  “Don’t ever do this until you are married  --no no matter what!”  The "what" part hissed out then snapped, so  I knew she was serious.  Of course I would never do this terrible thing.  I immediately knew my mother and I were on the same page.  If the hideousness of the act itself didn't repulse me, the consequences did.  My mind took me to the scene: First I conjured up the scene, yelling for help,  someone would have to pull the fire alarm on the corner.  I'd hear sirens, lots of them.  Just like when my mother caught the kitchen on fire making french fries, the entire fire department would come.  They had hoses.  If that didn't work, I  imagined myself on a stretcher,  some boy stuck inside me,  being taken to the hospital, and then being detached.  I had no problem making the promise. 
     “Never, never even when I am married, will I ever do this terrible thing!”   Then, she made me make a second promise; “whatever you do never tell anyone about this, because if their parents find out you will never be able to play with them again.”
     I violated promise number one 9 years later.  It took only 3 hours to tell my best friend Joyce the secret I had just learned about!

Have any funny tales?  Did you think you grew in a cabbage patch, the stork brought you, or were you bought at the Walmart?

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Looking for Men in Love- Are you There?

No, I am not crazy.  Men love more than women think.   I am looking for men who would write their love stories.  Yes, men!  So if you know a  man who has a love story, ending good or bad, long or short, pleasure or pain,   I’d like to hear from him!   Length is unimportant.  Love, livid, lurid, longing, life-changing, lachrymose, lascivious, lustful, lasting, laudable, lubricous, low-bred, luminous, lush, or lucid  -  I want them!  Lesson learned, hearts tormented, love that sustains It is all good.  Email the longest to dawnmhopper@gmail.com   -  I am collecting them.  Yesterday an 87-year-old man wrote me a 6 page single spaced story… WOW!  It was great.  I might publish it in a series, so wait….Thanks!

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Who do we pick: Attractiveness

      Why is attractiveness important?
     Love can be sometimes, logical.  Science has been able to give us some trends that may predict who we pick. Of course all our behavior is influenced by our lens of culture, family values, religion and social backdrop but the following truths have emerged. 
     Both men and women pick attractiveness as the number one criteria.  Numerous studies point to a social perception we might have when looking at attractive face.  It’s most likely built into us, honed by thousands of years of evolution.  Think about it this way, when you meet someone you have no clue about them.  Our ancestors relied on physical cues.  If he had a face full of sores and was emaciated you might think that this person was sick, unhealthy.  Do you want to sit next to the guy sneezing and coughing on the train?  No.  We avoid people who do not look fit or healthy. The sale of acne medications relies on this very assumption...

Friday, December 9, 2011

Jealousy

Jealousy
     While love can bring us rapture, it can make our lives crazy.  Nothing feels as worse as that demon, jealousy.  It is an emotion that results when we detect a relationship is being threatened but a third party.  It is the fear of being totally abandoned.  If the threat is very high the message is sent immediately to the amygdala, a center in our primal brain that we have little control over. Your autonomic nervous system is now on and you center on all the facts to determine just how you will respond. Intense and consuming; few people can truthfully say “ I was a little jealous” because it is not the kind of emotion that we experience lightly.  So negative is this feeling that we need to at once deal with it.  The feeling is so harsh that we will make any kind of bargain to take it away. Fear or anger is often unconscious, fast, impossible to control and direct.  
     So what do you do when you find this jealousy pit bull in your face?  You may cry, plead, threaten, be reduced to hostile reactions that in your normal state you may not had ever considered.  Aside from obsessing the jealous person becomes vigilant and will focus on the behavior of the other person.  Here is when we can get into all sorts of trouble because our brain might over process the situation. Guess what? You were wired to do that. 
     Jealousy is not only the worst possible feeling it also motivates us to act to preserve our bonds and to rescue our relationships.  Nature intended it to work exactly this way.  Jealousy is the detection system that insures the bond between lovers is preserved so we could stay together to raise our young. Because when we feel it we may do what we need to do to keep that person from leaving.  
There is a strange flip side most people don’t notice with regard to jealousy. So terrible is that feeling that sometimes we don’t want to believe that we are being jilted.  Girlfriend tells me that and tells me that loverboy told her he’d like to take some time off the relationship- get a little space.  A breather. “what do you think he means?” She asks me.  I immediately knew.  So does girlfriend # 2 who is part of the conversation.  My friend is in denial, her brain not wanting to face that devil.  Of course she eventually did when he showed up at her house to pick up some of his things with his new lover on his arm.  My rational GF went crazy.  For the next few months we entertained her visions of retaliating.    She was going to slash her tires,  put dog poop on her car handles,  but the best one was asking one of her other GF’s (who knew her) to put hair remover in her hair conditioner.  We just listened and eventually she was able to get back to her normal self. 
     As bad as the J word is it can serve us.  Strange but we deliberately use that little devil in our relationships.  We might mention an old flame we ran into…flirt with someone in the presence of our love or in the worst case leave our love and let them know we’ve found another interest.  Jealousy is often the first sign they care about you!  How many movies have that theme- they break up and then she finds someone new and then he goes crazy…Well evidently loverboy was reading that script.   GF began dating loverboy’s neighbor.  About a month later he sent her an email….”I really miss you…” It began.
This brings me to a final point and another blog I must write. Men are far more jealous than women….

Any comments? Dr. Dawn Marlena Hopper

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Sex Education

     What do you know and from whom do you know it?  Most new adults do not want to hear about sex from parents, religious figures or even experts, like me.  You prefer, at your own rate to discover the area, using the information that comes your way.  That, I might add is hardly reliable.  Do you know that about 90% of you learned about sex from someone other than your parent?  A sister, brother or friend told you the facts of life.  One of the most important areas of your life may have been learned from your Cousin Vinny.   If your parents did manage to reach you in time did you bolster that knowledge through scientific reading or inquiry.  Of course you didn’t. 

Is Virginity a Dirty Word?

12/7   Sitting with my 85 year old mother in a coffee shop one afternoon and she spies an old classmate from high school.  They chat and conjure memories. The woman wobbles, cane in hand away.  Mom strains her neck towards my face opposite her.  “She wasn’t a virgin”.  
     “What?” I say confused. 
      “You know…She was loose.”
     My mind reeled, after all those years that was all my mother could say!? 
     Let me assure you that the double standard (what men can do vs. what women can do) still exists.  I doubt it will ever disappear.  But the value placed on virginity has shifted dramatically since even I was in college.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Death of a Partner

Death of a Partner

     I am a great believer in love.  Loving is the single most reliable human behavior that exists on earth. Almost everyone fall in love.  Perhaps this is the framework that I see the world through; people happy and bonded to each other in some wonderful intimate way.  So let me tell you about how mistaken I could be.  Sally and Sherman were married and had a total of 10 children.  The length and fertility of their union prompted me to seek out the secrets of their success.  After Sherman died I wondered how Sally would get on without him, after all they were hardly apart for 55 years.  Two weeks after Sherman was buried Sally, at 75, got on a bus to Florida.  There was not a weekend for the next 7 years that she was home.  Rumor had it that she was simply occupying her time without her true love so we excused her behavior.  One day I saw her struggling with her grocery bag into her front door.  I carried it in for her.  She told me she had been on a trip to a casino with a female friend.  Our conversation went on to Sherman and I asked her how well she was doing. 
      “Honey,  I slaved in that house for 60 years.  You don’t think I cooked his eggs in bacon grease just because he liked it that way do you…?”  Sally chuckled and began putting her things away.  I stood there mortified unable to grasp the words I had heard.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Sandusky, Fine and Sexual Coercion: Pedophilia

      Recently the public has been stunned by the alllegations of a coach molesting young men.  No me.  In the Late 1990's I had a student in my class who endured sexual molestation at the hands of his coach. Two hundred people signed a petition defending the teacher and coach.  Why?  Pedophiles are very clever in hiding their behavior.  Pedophilia is insidious and more so when it involves young men. Why?  Young men rarely talk about it. 
    Male on male molestation involves tactics that are designed to confuse, camouflage and deter possible reporting.  Pedophiles can be anyone. They can be your neighbor, clergy member, teacher, coach or relative. Most victims of sexual abuse do not ‘tell’ until they are older but males have a more difficult time revealing because they often feel complicit or responsible for the act. With only a short time to engage your thinking let’s review some signs.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Controlling Relationships...The Noose of Love

12/4
            Girlfriend’s phone is ringing again. 
            “It’s him again.”  She answers.
            I listen to her reply.  “I’m doing the same thing I told you I was doing five minutes ago.”
            It was the tenth phone call in three hours. 
            Yes it’s flattering for about a week or so. Then the cord of attachment becomes a noose. Have you been there? Has lover called several times when they know you are working on a project.  Do they tell you to cut the friendship with someone you’ve known since you were 5?  Do they go through your phone log,  scan your Fb with questions ?  Are you spending much of your time proving to this person that you are not doing anything.  Do you find yourself trying to convince them all the while thinking that once you demonstrate your faithfulness it will end.  Is it a rough spot in the road of love or a huge boulder? 
             There is a dynamic in new passionate relationships.  Lovers want to be with their love object.  You dwell on them.  At the same time the fear of love lost pops up in your mind.  It’s not jealousy per se but a nagging little fear that you could be burned.  In a health union trust builds and we relax.  Real issues of control only get worse because the controller lacks the ability to trust.  What is control?

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Sexual Coercion Romanian Style

11/25
            Today one out of four people have been sexually abused and with the recent media highlighting the two coaches under investigation it’s a topic to be explored.  Did you know that few people tell, that the perpetrator is almost always someone known?  Men tell less often than women.  The average age for ‘telling’ is usually when the victim is in their 30’s- way after the statute of limitations has expired?  It’s very interesting how we think of sexual coercion or rape in the US.  Few young people know that at one time the victim, unless she was a nun, was seen at fault. Neil matha I had forgotten how far we had come in the past few decades but I was going to be reminded  on Thanksgiving Day. 
            “You are up so early.”  Cristiana shoved the coffee cup into her face.  A horde of tired hung over women faced the island with the entire dinner for thirty awaiting assembly.  Cristiana led the charge handing out knives and tasks which we took on.  I did the garlic knowing my Italian sensibility would make sure it was added to everything.  Maria , born in Mexico did the chilies.  Liza, French and Haitian made sure the butter when into everything and Cristiana our Romanian grabbed the birds and massaged the oils and herbs into their cavity.  The rhythm grew  livelier as Franklin, our only male helper poured liquor into the coffee cups. 
            I pierced the beat again when I brought up a crazy dream I had the night before. I had fallen asleep while Cristiana was spinning a tale.  Something about an old woman..rape…a dirty drunkard…   

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Getting Over Love Lost- Philip of the Past

     Nothing is worse than finding your partner interested in someone else  person except for finding them in bed with another.  It happened to me.  It was about thirty years ago and we were in the early start of a college relationship when I just dropped by his apartment …the door open so I walked in.  Literally- to him in the sack with some girl who wouldn’t come out from under the blankets.  He jumped up and his skinny naked ass tried to follow me out the door as I fled.  I only remember the incredible beating of my own heart.  He was going off to grad school and I ignored his calls for the next few weeks.  I never spoke to him again, ripped up his letters and actually sent them in sheds back to his grad dorm in Chicago.  I was crushed, doing what most people do – cried and played songs that made me cry more.  I  wrote poetry ’’You’re the band aid seeped in the blood of a scab, stuck on my flesh, should I rip you off or let you peel away with time?”
     It got better, obviously, and I gave up on the poetry thing.  It was some twenty years later and guess what happened?  He finds me on Facebook.  I see his name in the message.  It summoned up the word asshole.  Yes, I hated his name.  If I met you and your name was Philip, you were doomed.  I was always thankful it was not a common name. His opening words were a combination of how I had not changed a bit in all those years and his wife was aware he was writing to me.  He wanted to apologize!  He wrote:

Monday, November 28, 2011

Girl talk - Finding Mr. Right in the On-Line Dating world

     Girlfriend calls.  My home number has become 1-800 advice.  I welcome it.  First it reminds me how fortunate I am to not be in the market place.  Second, it’s fodder for writing.  Third, I love my Gf circle.  Everyone has strengths and weaknesses; I know I’m disorganized, very ADD, way too socially inclined, trusting…but I do know relationships. I got that right. 
Gf Gail says “I call you not only because you know so much, but you got it right. My last therapist had three bad divorces in the background and actually wanted me to visit match .com with her!”
Yes, I got the relationship thing right. 
Ask Girlfriend Melinda who is on the add lines to send me any ads that are funny.  This is no joke- here it is.

Men and Women are Equal but Different

        Dr. Roy Baumeister wrote a book – Is There Anything Good About Men?  I know Roy’s work  because he was a friend of my mentor James Tedeschi.  It’s a great read and especially so for an older feminist like me.  I cannot possibly discuss it in a few paragraphs but I’ll tickle you with this.  Women have spent the last 30+ years kvetching (complaining) about the raw deal we think we have.  God-forbid we allow men to say anything bad about us!  Roy argues that we are different- not better or worse- just different.  However there is a camp out there perched on a theoretical hill with a sniper aimed right at the heart of that statement.  Why?  Because some hold fast and tight to the notion that there are no male and female differences.  To say that, to imply that makes me a traitor to all feminism stood for. Go ahead, throw tomatos at me.  

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Friends with benefits-Girl Talk

     Girlfriend 'Terry' just called.  OMG she says- "I'm sooo mixed up about Tim."
     Tim is a her fwb guy.  The've been meeting up about once a week for months.  She's not in a relationship and neither was he. Her news?  She's jealous, really jealous. Evidently after a perfectly great romp Tim tells her about this great woman he met and had a few dates with and that very night he was making plans to take this new love interest out- somewhere special.
     I warned her.  Fwb's are not.  It all works until one of decides that you have more invested than the other.  The investment you cannot have is emotion.  That has to stay out of the mix, completely and utterly.  Which is almost impossible since one of you will be bitten and the mere fact she is jealous is a very bad sign. 
     "Maybe he's full of shit and is just trying to get a rise out of you," I tell her.   We all know how to play that jealousy card.  Women more than men but maybe he is send a message so he can feel it out.  I did see No Strings Attached...

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Is My Lover Satan in Disquise and is that a Tail I see...?

     Love, a deep emotion, should not be blind.  But it is for some.  If there is anything I know it’s that you can’t convince a person in loves rapture that their other half is an asshole.  The drunk, criminal, con-artist and cheaters best ally is his or her lover. They have someone to borrow money from, a dependable booty call and a perpetual flow of energy in their life to assist them in working out all their issues.  And there is girlfriend Briana calling me at 7 am to get my advice on her newest love - who she sweats is the real thing because he's not returning her phone calls and numerous texts. 
     "Briana...friend... the guy was dis-barred- he has lost his license to practice law... don't  you think there is something odd about that..?"
     She defends him.  "Well, I already told you that he only got the DWI because his ex called the police after he left ..you know it was a set up."
     "What about the other charge...you know the one about giving alcohol to minors?" 
     She has another defense. I tell her she should be his attorney!  I know nothing and I mean nothing can sway her opinion and the rosy colored glasses she's wearing aren't coming off.  She's on drugs - those produced by her brain.  Toxic love juice.  Something about this cazzo di cavalo is working magic on her.  By the way that means horses ass
     She is far from alone. Have you ever wondered why seemingly good women fall for prison inmates? My neighbor moved to the boonies to be closer to her jailed love!  Are you sitting these and thinking to yourself ‘never me!’ or are you that person who has done it?
     I’m not going to tell you why you’ve done it- that requires  a long discussion.  But sometimes we fall in love with love and see what we think is potential- not reality.  Here are the warning signs that your love might be the wrong person.  Here are some tips:

Monday, November 21, 2011

Men Love!

Who loves more? I believe men do.
You are laughing right?  Stop.  Women don’t kill themselves over men, women don’t kill their families, rivals, stalk or obsess anywhere near the rate the men.  Rejected men go nuts.  Why?  Because they tend bond to the women they love furiously. 
     Stereotypes however portray men as cold, aloof, cunning, ruthless in exploiting women, going from conquest to conquest.  Women are the lovers and men are the leavers.  Not so. One of the most interesting studies on this topic was done by Zick Rubin, Latitia Peplau and Charles Hill in 1981 who followed a large group of couples over a long period of time examining their love relationship and their break-ups.  That stereotype of men as cads is false.

What is your love style?

What’s your love style?  While we have mapped the brain and found evidence of passion on our minds we’ve also found powerful neurochemicals that allow us to enjoy those warm and fuzzy moments with one another.  Driven by Oxytocin in women and vasopressin in men these connections ignite the moment we are born and comforted by our caregivers.  Yes, this time you can blame it all on your parents. Attachment is hallmarked by our ability to form trusting bonds and realistic expectations of those in our love circle.  Test yourself -   

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Do Men Love as Much As Women?

What exactly is love?
     Are you aware that for most researchers love was considered a new invention? Lisa Diamond, an eminent theorist in the literature on love points out that ”no definitive test of true love exists” (Diamond 2004).   It’s much easier to measure how much sex we have, think about, masturbation rates and desires. 
     But there is love! In the largest study of its kind William Jankowiak titled his bookRomantic Passion: A Universal Experience?  Quite appropriately.  After examining 166 societies he concluded that at least 89% experienced heartfelt passion and excitement which we call love.  From small islands in the ocean, to the Amazon, the Arctic north, almost all people experience passionate love.
It was Helen Fisher and Art Aron and Lucy Brown that mapped the brain in love.  Yes, both men and women’s brains look exactly the same when in love: like a drug addicted brain. 
The big question is do we act the same?  Yes we do!  Men and women feel the same and have the same desires and hopes. Gay, straight, love bites all of us!
     So what is love? Lovers intensely focus their attention on one another at the expense of other relationships or tasks, exaggerate their positive qualities and ignore the negative, work to win their approval with increased energy often pay particular attention to the moods and dispositions of their lovers or any cue or clue they can grapple with to feed the flame of love, experience euphoria when it is fed but mood swings and depression if it is not or the lover is away from them, depressed when love is not returned or love leaves.  They have intrusive thoughts of the other person and think about their love object endlessly.  They were jealous, protective, and seemingly faithful. Two interesting findings emerged; passionate love required sex and sex with only the love object was desired.   For men and women faithfulness is a priority.  Does that make you feel good?

Men and Sex? The Evidence...

     Consider this- women will not rape for sex nor pay for it. Do you know of any woman prowling the street corners looking for able men to have sex with them?  She needs to have her head examined. Ask any female what she would rather have- a new pair of designer shoes or a night with a good looking sexually able man.  Hands down, I know the answer.   In looking for fundamental differences between men and women researchers have found the differences staggering.  For the benefit of my more research orientated audience I’ve included some reference aids in parentheses next to the statements I deliver.    
     Come to Pornatopia! The research on men and sex is plentiful.  Excuse me, I should qualify this statement; the research is usually conducted using college students, usually freshman.  Sex drive might be considered the motivation to engage in sex and men do possess much more.  Men think about sex more than women (Oliver and Hyde, 1993).  Males experience more unwanted and intrusive sexual thoughts (Byers, Purdon, and Clark, 1998; see Baumeister, 2010) report more sexual compulsive thinking and need to control it (Vanwesenbeeck, Bekker, and van Lenning, 1998), have more spontaneous events of desire; sometimes several times a day while females report only a few times a week (Beck, Bozman, and Qualtrough,1991;  Knoth, Boyd, and Singer, 1988).  Men also report much more fantasy having over twice as many sexual fantasies per day (4.75 vs. 2.00)  than do females (Jones and Barlow 1990) and they masterbate more.   

The Costs of Hooking up-

     Imagine that an attractive person of the opposite sex walks up to you on a college campus and says “Hi, I’ve been noticing you around town lately and I find you very attractive. Would you go to bed with me? How would you respond?  (Buss 1994)
     This was an actual experiment. If you are a female you would immediately become shocked and say no.  Your brain may take it as a threat of possible assault and you may become alarmed.  If you are male you might be one of the 75% who are quite flattered and would say yes.
     Now let’s play with this a little more.  
     Imagine that an attractive person of the opposite sex walks up to you on a college campus and says “Hi, I’ve been noticing you around town lately and I find you very attractive. I am looking for a serious relationship and how would you like to go out with me?  How would you respond?

Saturday, November 19, 2011

How this began- Professor Sexmachine

     Some years ago (disco days) I was sitting in a human sexuality class taught by a psychologist that thought he was an expert on the topic.  It was a time when college professors actually did sleep with their students!  Professor sexmachine fortified his lectures with his own powess and experiences.  Aside from this rather disgusting self-disclosure I had some immediate and profound thoughts;  first of which was that from his appearance I doubted there was a line of women waiting to tackle his bones.  Something about tight hip- huggers which pushed out a ring of stomach flesh, the open neck shirt with neck chains tangled with profuse  chest hair turned me off.  But I was already a mother of two and hardly susceptible to horny older men.    

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

The Myths and Legends Sex and Love

Excuse the way the questions are worded- They all came out of some scientific research study and scientists are not known for their sparkling dialog and catchy phases!!
Score yourself by the following
1= True    2= False

A real guy should want sex a lot of the time  ___