Sex and Love 100

Musings on the most basic life skill . . .

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Friends with benefits-Girl Talk

     Girlfriend 'Terry' just called.  OMG she says- "I'm sooo mixed up about Tim."
     Tim is a her fwb guy.  The've been meeting up about once a week for months.  She's not in a relationship and neither was he. Her news?  She's jealous, really jealous. Evidently after a perfectly great romp Tim tells her about this great woman he met and had a few dates with and that very night he was making plans to take this new love interest out- somewhere special.
     I warned her.  Fwb's are not.  It all works until one of decides that you have more invested than the other.  The investment you cannot have is emotion.  That has to stay out of the mix, completely and utterly.  Which is almost impossible since one of you will be bitten and the mere fact she is jealous is a very bad sign. 
     "Maybe he's full of shit and is just trying to get a rise out of you," I tell her.   We all know how to play that jealousy card.  Women more than men but maybe he is send a message so he can feel it out.  I did see No Strings Attached...

     "No, it's true.  I know the woman he asked out."
     "Okay, so do you have feelings for him?"
     There is dead silence on the phone.  So I have my answer.  There is no such thing as fwb's. 
     She is really bothered.  "What am I going to do?"
     I haven't the slightest idea I tell her.  And I mean it.  What can I say?  So I tell her to stop sleeping with him.  Give him up for a while.
    "I can't do that!"
     We are in more of a fix than I expected.  But she has to.  There is no win in this unless she gives him up.  And she has to do it abruptly.  So I tell her to tell him she has been seeing someone too and she'd like to cool it for a while.  Let him make the next move.

    So here is the question- can we actually have Fwb's?  In the long term- no.  Let's call it what it is- someone you screw that you think you could never emotionally attach to.  You hook up for sex, to have some warm body in your bed at night, to make you feel good about yourself or to avoid commitment.  In which case you better be really sure nothing, and I mean nothing could make you interested in this person for anything else.  But then you have to worry that they might not see it this way. 
    So she says,  "in that movie No strings Attached, he did fall for her....and they were fwb's...
     Yeah, but he did because she was unavailable-  she was completely emotionally unavailable.  Turn on your inner bitch because the way I see it you are his booty call and nothing else.  He's had your booty for a while and never thought to take you out to dinner!  
     There was silence.  I'll let you know how it turns out....

47 comments:

  1. I do not know why, but I am afraid of posting my comment on this. When I was young, I made mistakes, and I learned from it. I think people who are friends with benefits have special feelings for each other also. Maybe I should not say it is a love. There is feelings or emotions for each other in a relationship between friends with benefits. The relationship will be over when their feelings for each other can not be balanced.

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  2. I totally agree that you can't be fwb. I don't think it ever works out. Obviously you have some kind of physical attraction to this person to start with, because you certainly wouldn't sleep with the hobo on the street. I think women are probably the ones to gain feelings for their guy first, while the men most likely only want you for sex. If for some reason I got involved with a friend, it would only be considered a hookup, and it would probably be really akward with one another after that.

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  3. FWB dont work out. Someone along the line is going to catch feelings for the other person and then things get complicated. i do not understand why people have friends with benefits, especially women because i agree that women would probably tend to catch feelings faster. (not always the case). From what i know from friends, women over analyze a lot of things. They do it even if they dont like the person. SO why not just save yourself the hassel and just wait to be in a relation. Im not talking about the random hook ups because people have those..it is what it is but when your "involved" with someone for a long time, chances are your gonna be attached to them in some way shape or form. However, with that said, it does happen that fwb can lead to something more.

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  4. FWBs never work, I've tried with exs of my mine and was always hurt in the end. I will never put myself in that position again.

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  5. If your meeting up with someone once a week, having sex with them, then sleeping together and sharing conversation and jokes or whatever you are pretty much in a relationship...duh. I feel bad all my posts have been negative, but all well. FWB will never work unless you have absolutely no emotions, which is impossible so therefore FWB is impossible. Buttt to end on a positive note, FWB could end well; maybe both people will developed feelings and their sexy rendezvous’ can turn into a real relationship that they can put a label on. Or maybe the girl will end up prego and then they are stuck with each other forever. Ha! Just kidding  Hopefully first come marriage then the baby carriage.

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  6. This is very interesting. To call it fwb is false. I myself experimented with that and it was too much for me. We grew onto one another and we had feelings for each other. Not too long after we began to date, killing off the title of fwb.

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  7. After getting out of a four year on and off dysfunctional relationship I didn't want to get into another relationship. The one thing I hated to do was to sleep alone, seeing that I was newly single I developed a FWB but quickly learned that they dont exist! What started off as a fun-loving time turned into heartache. One person always falls for the other and someone gets hurt. I also don't believe its possible to sleep with someone regularly and not develop feelings towards them.

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  8. I definitely think FWB cannot exist. Just like you said, it all works until one falls for the other, and let's face it; eventually that will happen. How do you expect to hang out with a guy/girl every week, have sex and go out to dinner and do fun things without any feelings being involved? I think that's impossible, so the term FWB eventually will either end or they start a real relationship.

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  9. friends with benefits.... I completely agree that there is no such thing. I had a fwb. it probably was one of my worst decisions just because i had completely invested myself in this guy and when he started talking to another girl i was crushed. At the time a friend with benefit sounded good and i felt like i wouldnt get too involve but there is no way to not get involve when you are allowing someone to see you in your most intimate state and sharing something that people(some) hold s dearly to themselves. I know several guys that says it does work but i think that they just are oblivious to the fact the other person may he holding there true feelings inside. FWB does not work and i found that out the hard way. Humans always want more, and fwb only allows you to have part we all eventually will want a more.

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  10. FWB are life like life style condoms, they dont work. No matter how much you tell your self were just friends, in the back of your mind your gonna have those feelings for that person that you just cant fight.

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  11. FWB definitely do not work! Someone always gets attached and gets hurt. No matter how good you think your time together is and whatever you're doing is, it's not worth the hurt and aggravation at the end. Find someone who wants more than just sex, and random hook ups.. At least if that ends it would have made you happier knowing that you weren't just a booty call.

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  12. I do have to agree, I definitly get attached very easily. And the only time ive gotten myself into a mix like this is actually just ending now, I dont go for the FWB i ended up with that when i was just trying to make him like me. Typical girl thing I know and completly idiotic. but recently Ive gotten the strength to end it. After some choice words of his. Even in the movie the FWB didnt work. they ended up together in the end but movies arnt real it doesnt work like that. someone is just going to end up hurt.
    So from personal experiance Dr. Hopper your absoulty right!

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  13. Fwb doesnt make any sense, things may start out how you want it to but no matter what someone is going to end up getting some sort of feelings for the other person and either the other person will have the same feelings or will feel totally different. I beleive that no matter what fwb is a bad idea.

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  14. I agree 100 percent there is no such thing as fwb.I think its non sense to begin with why would you even want to sleep with friend?

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  15. Fwb can exsist when thats the only expectations both people have, which should always end well. But almost always someones feelings change because thats what sex does, and then that person wants more

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  16. I liked this post! it was true. I've never been in that kind of relationship, but i think girls that are considering it or are beginning to be in one should think about the outcome. If they are just jerks then they should consider the other person, what if the other person ends up being needy and a stalker. Not everyone is who you think they are. I think Friends with Benefits is just a bad idea, people should just think before they jump into things.

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  17. After reading this post and some of the comments I would say that yes 99% of the time FWB will not work but I've seen it work before too. I can say that I know a women that has successfully done this. She was great friends with this guy who also was a friend of the family. For some reason they couldn't date, not sure why. They ended up stopping their little meetings with eachother because they both started to date someone else around the same time. They both married the people they started seeing when their FWB relationship came to an end and I guess it's some sort of ego boost for them now. They don't talk about what happened, they don't act any different than friends but I have to assume that they enjoy the relationship that they have because it is a secret from their spouces, family members etc... ( I am her best friend which is why I know). I think she likes having someone else interested in her even though she is married. I think that's where it ends and it's probably the same for him.

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  18. Friends with benefits is complete and utter stupidity. I could never be able to even remotely attempt something like this, knowing just how toxic it could be to someone emotionally.
    I know I'm not the only one when it comes to this topic. Sure many think it will work, but more than 99% of the time, one of the sides will find that thy have some attraction to the person they are have sex with. People in these relationships are not always bad people, but this is just one bad decision which some really shouldn't make. Especially those who get attached to easily.

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  19. This post is 100% true I have never seen a FWB work for more than one week. Long story short here, I was friends with a girl in high school. One day she told me she was starting a FWB relationship with another guy she knew. At first I thought "damn I just got friend zoned" and "why not me". However after watching them go from this "is fun" to "I hate you" in less than two days I realized maybe the friend zone is not so bad.

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  20. The fact that people engage in this act show their lack of self respect. Their willingness to share a action of love with a total stranger shows that they turly have "daddy issues".

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  21. I tried FWB, let's just say epic fail. I know very few people that can pull it off and really not have any feelings for each other. But FWB is just a code word for I like you but I'm scared to tell yu or don't know how to tell you so we can just be FWB until you want to be more or I build up the courage to tell you my true feelings.

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  22. My response to this topic is very simple. It doesnt work. Someone will always end up getting hurt.People who say their only "friends with benefits" are just in denial about how they feel about one another.

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  23. I think there can be friends with benifits. it will be hard and most of the time it might be complicated. for one thing friends with benifits just have sex nothing else, no tlking , no getting to know, no dates, no hanging out , just SEX. for men this can be a little easier because they are more likely to have sex with out emotions. when women have sex with someone there is more of a emotionally attachment they need to feel comfortable with the person and safe. even through both men and women will say "oh no he/she just a friend with benifits: but when someone else come into the picture it will be a problem. even with men if you have sex wit the same person and you began to get to know them and and start doing couple things together, they feelings will follow. this can be a big problem. I will suggest if you want to have sex with someone and just that DONT DO IT , someone will get hurt .

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  24. This can be a hard thing and I think in order to do it you must be a strong person and be with another strong person.I keep hearing how women are usually the ones who have the emotions but I think it can happen wither way. Men have emotions to and I know plenty of women who have and can do the FWB thing. Is it right? that's not for anyone to say but the people doing it.

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  25. the whole concept seem logical in theory having any sexual desires fulfilled with "no strings attached" but in practice it wont ever work its just not the way people are ment to function

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  26. I totally agree with you. There is no such a friend with benefit and friend with no benefit. Friend is a friend. A friend is the one who care about you and wish the best for you, and help you when you are in trouble, and be next to you when you happy or sad, not looking to sleep with you. I think that sex is making love and everyone should do it with their lover not with a friend. When I hear about friend with benefits, I ask myself, how their relationships going to be when each one finds someone else.

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  27. I've never been friends with benefits with someone, but just like in all the blogs about attraction and love, it talks about men being attached. I feel like I'd never be able to handle seeing someone for a period of time without being in a relationship. I'm a very attaching person, and it's hard enough just trying to start a new committed relationship without getting attached too quickly.

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  28. I am on the fence with this one. I think it may work for a select few people, but I personally can't think of somebody sexually unless I do already have feelings for them--I'm REALLY not into flings or one night stands. So for that reason I don't think it would work with me, but I know there are plenty of other people who don't feel the same way, and probably could accomplish something like that. It's a possibility anyway.

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  29. I never understood the friends with benefits thing, if you are sleeping with someone without a commitment, you are basically being a doormat. It seems that guys that are only looking to sleep with you "late night" or "once and a while" are either embarrassed of you, or want to be able to have their cake and eat it too.Friends with benefits never works. Who would want to do it anyways? When you are done doing what you are doing, you are just left feeling empty.

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  30. Friends with benefits.....now thats a topic I've thought about a lot. I've always wondered, how could it work? how do you stop yourself for falling for them? My last boyfriend and I started hanging out and he told me that he didnt want a girlfriend at the time. I was crushed because I knew that I had already started to develope feelings for him. He asked if we could, "continue doing what we were doing" I was guessing he meant being friends with benefits. The fact that someone I had feelings for asked me that crushed me and I played it off cool and said "yeah of course" because I was afraid of losing him completely. That didnt last very long because I told him I couldn't and that I had developed feelings for him and I gave him an ultimatum and said "it's all or nothing" and it worked, we ended up dating for around 6 months. It ended for reasons we both couldn't help but I do believe that we'd still be together today if we could have.

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  31. Friends with benefits is an absolutely absurd and foolish idea. it's a Hollywood fantasy that is completely impossible to be pulled off. Eventually, emotions will develop and if the other person doesn't have those emotions too,then you will quickly become jealous and feel dead inside. I've had to explain to one of my cousins, who is also one of my closest friends, that he was being absolutely stupid and childish for even considering being friends with benefits with someone.

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  32. The fact that Friends with Benefit never works because one person always end up wanting more is true. I have seen these many times and have had a couple of encounters myself. It never works out as planned, and if someone gets upset or hurt, it ruins the whole relationship in general. I have watched this through my friends and personal experience and I find it not worth it at all. If there is sex involved I believe that feelings must be involved too whether you believe it or not. Eventually, either you or the other person will get hurt, and I think friends with benefits is not worth it at all, and in the blog it proves that in retrospect there is no such thing, even it seems like a good idea, in the long run you will realize it wasn’t.

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  33. Friends with benefits can work. I think the type of sex that the (male/female) have with the partner can cause the other person to catch feelings. In this relationship you are not supposed to have sex with this person like you would with your (boyfriend/girlfriend). You should treat it as you are trying to get an orgasim and that only. If one person starts to have feelings then they should let the other person know so it can stop instantly. That shouldnt occur if you just get yours and be friends, do not make it more than what it is.

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  34. UGH! I hate that term! A real friend would never agree to that because a real friend wants what's best for you. And when a girl agrees to do that with any guy it's because she's lonely or is scheming to make her "friend" fall for her. Unfortunately hollywodd makes this seem almost attainable and even romantic.
    It's sad to see girls have no confidence in their ability to attract someone who will want them for more than just casual sex. And any male that conducts in that kind of behavior really needs to stop and think about how much damage that can do to a woman. It's extremely selfish...

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  35. This maybe true that it is near to impossible to be friends with benefits with someone, but there must be an exception to the rule right? there is defiantly people out there who can have sex without developing an emotional attachment to the person. I know a guy who can sleep with a girl for months and not give two shits about her, as there might not be something right in his head but he would be the exception to this rule. there must be girls out there to that are only physically attracted to guys and that why they sleep with them, because as far as i understand girls dont just look for psychical attractiveness in someone they want a relationship with, the person must also have an emotional appeal to them. so the rule to fwb not work for the long term is probably true for the most part but there is always the exception to the rule.

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  36. I believe people can have sex and not bring emotion into it. They will have to make an agreement to stay that way, but in the end there will be some emotion in it. The recent movies that came out about this topic are both really amusing but both seem bogus. It will not be easy and the emotion in the end will probably be jealousy, because when the sex stops someone will still want it. It will not be easy but if both just want to screw around then it might be possible.

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  37. It is not possible to be fwb with someone and never gain feelings. There will always be some type of feelings towards that other person.

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  38. Being FWB is pretty much the same thing as being in a relationship, and I think it mostly happens when a girl wants to date a guy who refuses to admit he’s in a relationship. He wants to say he is single and free. Meanwhile, no guy is going to turn down a girl proposing no strings attached sex. I know that is what my experience with FWB was. When me and my girlfriend were broke up we did FWB, and other than me buying her nicer presents for her birthday, and admitting she is my girlfriend, there was no difference. While visiting my girlfriend at college, I usually am exposed to overhearing girl talk; it’s kind of hard to avoid it in a dorm room. One of her roommates was discussing with the others whether or not she should be fwb with this guy she likes. She decided she was going to, and admitted her plan was to be fwb for awhile, and since he is a nice guy, they would start dating after awhile. It didn’t work out. This may have been my girlfriends plan too, so whether this is a successful strategy, I don’t know.

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  39. fwb is a horrible thing. Not only is it being disgusting, its just you playing with your feelings and not truely settling down with someone. It is very hard to be fwb with someone and not gain any sort of feelings for them. When i was young i thought it was cool if you had a fwb, but now that im older and more mature and actually like having a girlfriend its just different it is not the same as having someone really be there for you when you need someone. All a fwb really is for someone to really get the satisfaction of being around someone..Thats what i think

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  40. Friends with benefits almost never works. The whole point of it is to get with someone that you want nothing to do with emotionally. At the time it might seem like a good idea, but one of the two usually gets emotionally attatched and wants to be more then just a booty call. Long story short... dont do it. Your just going to end up putting your emotions in a wild roller coaster ride.

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  41. Being FWB will never work no matter what because sex is intimate and if you're already attracted to a person physically and you are having sex, most of the time, someone will start to have feelings.

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  42. Friends with benefits can be good for the moment but i have experienced this and someone always gets attached and they end up hurt

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  43. Friends with benefits is the worst thing ever and is the predicament I am in now. The guy I am FWBs with doesn't want to date me, but I am not allowed to date anyone else. I love this guy, but for some reason he just doesn't feel the same way about me and trust me I have tried everything to get him to actually love me and let me tell you, you really cannot buy love. Some days like today it really gets me upset that he doesn't care about me (he says he does, but I really don't believe him) and then other days I'm just like cool screw him, can't wait to see the look on his face when I am not there. This is the worst emotional roller coaster I have ever been on. It is so hard to get out of this cycle because it feels like emotional abuse just getting torn down every day so I need to do something and change it. I need to be with a guy who treats me good, not someone who couldn't even remember to say happy birthday without being reminded. wow it feels good to get that off my chest!

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  44. I agree completely with this, their is rarely a good outcome after become fwb with someone. Usually the friendship comes to an end after things become to awkward once they start a physical relationship together. I had this one girl come on to me before trying to be fwb, i never hung out with her before or really even talked to her so it seemed a little weird. I never did hang out with her and shorty after she ended up telling me she liked me. I had no feelings for her at all but, i ended up giving her advice and told her if she has feelings for a guy to never try being fwb to get him to be with you. He will always just see you as a booty call and his emotions usually won't go any deeper then that.

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  45. There is NO such thing as friends with benefits. I have too many times seen my friends get hurt and ultimately rejected over what they thought was harmless sex. But, when you think about it, first off, it's not safe! If there are friends with benefits, how many other "friends" does each partner have? In reality... probably more than just you. Or, if both people have made it a plan to only sleep with each other as "friends" and no one else, either way, they are committing to one another and making this decision to exclusively sleep with one another and no one else. When someone is there at the end of the night to comfort us, feelings WILL develop. Also, engaging in sex creates hormones and chemicals in our brains that we cannot control; feelings and attachment to some extent is inevitable.

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  46. friends with benefits work, they absolutely work! when two people are too busy to be in a relationship and are both ready able willing and upfront about it where is the harm?? there is absolutely zero harm in a mutual agreement for sexual favors all hours of the night or a quick "meeting" before your actual meeting...

    FWB have rules and regulations just like any normal friendship! Bring them to the table and make sure both parties are happy.

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  47. I think that having a friend with just benefits is too tough. Only because feelings can develop and in the end feelings are at risk of getting hurt. I have never had this kind of relationship with anyone but I just don't think its as beneficial or even worth it in the end.

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