Sex and Love 100

Musings on the most basic life skill . . .

Saturday, November 19, 2011

How this began- Professor Sexmachine

     Some years ago (disco days) I was sitting in a human sexuality class taught by a psychologist that thought he was an expert on the topic.  It was a time when college professors actually did sleep with their students!  Professor sexmachine fortified his lectures with his own powess and experiences.  Aside from this rather disgusting self-disclosure I had some immediate and profound thoughts;  first of which was that from his appearance I doubted there was a line of women waiting to tackle his bones.  Something about tight hip- huggers which pushed out a ring of stomach flesh, the open neck shirt with neck chains tangled with profuse  chest hair turned me off.  But I was already a mother of two and hardly susceptible to horny older men.    

            On this day Professor Suave told the class that men were more sexually wired (I agree) and that they tend to have a lot more sex than women.  There is a ton of evidence (see my blog) that this is so. Being older than the rest of the female's in the class and wiser I spoke up for them, "... what kind of sex are you talking about...sex alone or with a partner?"
            The class chuckled.  He then went into his theory which described a group of skilled men who had a virtual line of females they had sex with.  No doubt he was referring to his own delusion.
            That led to my next question.  "If so few women are having sex, who are these guys having sex with?"  Could it be that men overestimate, brag, lie and distort the amount of sex they really have and women downplay, lie or distort what they do.  In other words we (women) don't always admit it.  A red hue washed his face, the telltale sign of annoyance.   He gained composure and went on suggesting  that there is a sub-population of very loose women whose vaginas are revolving doors, servicing men because they seem to really enjoy sex!
            "Oh, I get it, are you saying that they enjoy some kind of one night stand sexual interlude and they practice this over and over?"
            He agreed.  "They look for men with no commitment in mind for an enjoyable interlude and then go on to the next man."
            "Why would women do this?"
            He gained his composure and told the class this:  "There are some men who happen to know how to rock a woman’s world and they reap the benefits since women tell other eager women and they then get a lot of action."
            I sat silent.  There are those times in your educational career, if it is as long as mine was where you need to weigh out making the challenge with the possible loss of a grade and this was one of those times- I could not harness my mouth.  
            "I believe you might be mistaken.  Women don't run to the locker room the night after they screw some guy in the back seat and give blow by blow (no pun intended) reviews of some guys sexual performance... Second almost any woman can tell you that for women sex doesn't automatically lead to the big ‘O’– especially from a two minute pump and jump and third almost every woman in this room- whether they admit it or not- will tell you that men exaggerate." 
            I looked around the room for support making sure I met the eyes of any female who I thought I could count on.  Heads began nodding and dialogue flowed between the females sitting close.  Then he made the worst mistake of all.  He asked the men in the class to provide some experiential back up.  There is always one in the room- a fact I have known now for 20+ years of teaching.  And there he was, confident in his prowess he was willingly to take the stage to tell the class what a great lover he is.  At 18. 
            He began telling the class that he had been ‘rocking the world’ of many women and he had a record of producing blood curdling orgasmic screams form every woman fortunate enough to give him the chance.  Well, that I was all I needed.  The women in the class began to bellow in laughter.  Of course he tried to argue but the more he went on with his tirade the more they laughed. 
            I learned a few things that day.  First of all unless grading is done objectively (through a test rather than a paper- don’t attempt this.)  However my inquiry into what men think about women and sex would take hold and for the next 20 years, in between of parenting 5 kids, graduate school, teaching, a therapeutic practice, I’d see it through- to the truth.

For your information, women do lie about how many sex partners they have- downplaying it and men exaggerate.  The worst sex is casual one night stand sex and anyone who brags needs to be avoided.  The evidence to all of this will be forthcoming ….

29 comments:

  1. I was on the edge of my seat to see how this was going to turn out. I wish I could pull off the right thing to say at the right time, I'm usually two days behind when suddenly I get the aha moment.

    I agree women do downplay and men exaggerate. The real question is WHY? Are women modest and embarrassed or do they just like to keep what pleases them close to them and therefore meaningful. And men, are they simply insecure and lacking so they feel the need to one up on each other and declare that there is more to them than there really is, or are they proud and fluffing their feathers so to speak just makes them feel better about themselves in general? Will anyone ever really know the real reasons?

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  2. I'm only 19, and I have met many males where they exaggerate the amount of sex they've had. Females tend to realize this, and walk away. I've seen that males usually like the fact that females downplay. Only because they feel like they have control of the situation. It doesn't help. It usually ends in bitter relations. Women hide for one reason: privacy. In my opinion, I feel like lying is just as bad as downplaying. But, I could be wrong.

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  3. I'm only 18 and have known in the back of my mind that this is true for a while. Mostly because I used to have a friend who did this. He started telling me about these girls he'd hooked up with during junior year of high school, but we were best friends and I knew he was just making things up. It was hilarious, but when I found out he was doing this to make me jealous it got old quick. Especially considering it was because he thought I was going out with one of my guy friends who was with the same guy then that he's with now.'
    I agree that lying and downplaying are similar, but at the same time why is it anyone else's business? Personally, I'd way rather keep it to myself- not just regarding certain people for whatever reason. It's really only my business and to be honest I'd like it if more people kept it to themselves. I don't really want to hear the intimate details exaggerated or not.

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  4. Men brag only when they have no feelings for a woman. Men in love don't tell. There are hundreds of words we have for women who have a lot of sex, expecially outside marriage and none of them good. It's the double standard. I believe that male oppression of women emerges from a fear that women who will abandon them- sexual women are targeted the most.

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  5. Men don't brag, boys do. It can be dangerous to group us all together (just like any other stereotype). I don't share the details of my intimate relationships because I feel it's our (hers and mine) business alone. Then again I was also raised by very strong, old school women. I open car doors, offer my jacket when it's cold or rainy, and never sit if it means a woman would stand. Be careful not to paint with such a broad stroke.

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  6. Men dont kiss and tell...It's an age thing too...as men age they get it more. It is also cultural, the more machismo the culture the more bragging.

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  7. I agree with this strongly. I am a bartender. When drinks flow so do lips. I can honestly say that I have noticed men at the bar will tell you the world about what they did with their one night stands but you will not hear anything about the sex with the ex that broke his heart.

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  8. Relating to men bragging about sex partners. I strongly believe that this is motivated by our environment. When I was younger (15 to 18) I believed in order to be a man, a guy had to have sex early, and with many partners. However, as I got older I slowly learned that this is not true. When I was a sophomore and junior in high school, I went to a lot of parties and fooled around with random girls. I thought that this would make me feel accomplished and better. However, I always felt uneasy and a little guilty after wards. Because of this, I believe that guy’s drive to have sex with as many women as they can, or at least say they did, is extremely motivated by what they think they are suppose to do. Also, I predict as it becomes more accepted for women to have as many partners as they want, men will become less motivated to increase their numbers. Do you think that eventually men and women might switch roles?

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  9. As I mature I am finding that all I want is to find a nice girl that I can eventually settle down with. Have I bragged to other guys about fooling around? of course most men do. I just find it pointless, I would rather brag about being in a steady relationship than a one night stand. Going around and having sex with random people would be fun for a while, but what would you be accomplishing?

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  10. In this blog it sounds like men are the only people who are talking about sex these days..I have heard my fair share of women young and old talk about sex. I am 18 and yes guys talk about who they have been with but we do not wake up wanting to tell everyone that we have sex! Not all men talk about whose worlds they've rocked! Do girls not talk about sex?

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  11. While reading this blog, I agree strongly with all of the information about men wanting more sex and how we all exaggerate on how much sex we actually had. While I was growing up; I always thought that having more sex with multiple women would fit me right into the crowd. For this reason, I didn't have any stable relationships. As I got older; I learned from this mistake and insteading of going out looking for random girls; I looked for a nice girl to be with and to share things with. I would be lying if I said men never brag or exaggerate over women.

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  12. Women don't brag about sex because they don't want to be called a slut, and if they do brag about it it’s because they are desperate and want attention. They will tell their best friend and maybe a close sister or something about their sexual experiences, but not anyone else really. Every woman is entitled to have a few secrets and majority of them are about sex. Men are a different story, they are pathetic when it comes to sex; it’s a competition for them to see who can sleep with the most women so they’re obviously going to lie and brag. Everything is a competition for men; it can be how many women they have had sex with and then once they are married it turns into who has the better (or worse) wife. I believe there are a few exceptions to these behaviors, but for the most part women are modest and secretive while men are obnoxious and exaggerate the truth. It’s just the norm I guess and we all abide by it whether we realize it or not.

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  13. I myself do not brag. No one needs to be informed and when another male tell's me a story about what he did with so and so the night before it's as if I pay less attention. To say that men exaggerate is true and I've gotten an earful of stories in my life and finding out the real truth is always the funny thing about it. Why women lie about sex is beyond my knowledge but I find it interesting and if they wish to hold their peace then so be it.

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  14. I agree with Danielle. Woman don't brag about how many sex partners they've had because that makes them a slut. I find it interesting how woman lie about how many partners they've had, and men over exagerate. Woman don't want to come off as a slut and men want woman to know they've had many woman and want them to belive their good at what they do. A double standard is brought up here, why can men sleep with whoever they please and not be called out on it? Yet when woman do their called sluts and they are no longer desirable to men?

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  15. I agree boys exagerate their sex life. Its weird its like they encourage each other to tell what they did with that girl... like describing their self starring porno. As a guy myself i think its wrong to kiss and tell. like Shelby said when rumors are out the girls reputation can be ruined and shes labeled as a slut. the worst part is it can be from an over exagerated story.

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  16. Excellent post. For that class, they were able to experience a little reality shock. Men do exagarete sex where women down play it simple because of what is expected from them. It is another separation between men and women, a men can do this but not a women because it is socially unacceptable.

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  17. I don't think guys should feel heroic if they brag about how much sex they "had". Yes they get a lot of action, but isn't one of the greatest feelings in the world having sex with someone you love truly and immensely? I feel BAD for those guys who go around like the village hammer. The guys who get the most fun and least disappointed are the men who have a relationship and get to have real, consensual love-making with the woman they love.

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  18. In my experience, women never want the guy who is always bragging about how great he is. You know not to believe someone who is trying to convince everyone, and himself, about how great he is. And quite honestly, if he's been with that many women, you just don't know where that thing has been. Eww. Penicillin any one?

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  19. The only time I've heard of women discussing their sexual encounters is to talk about how bad it was. I've never been invloved in a conversation where a friend is telling me how great there sex was that I should try it (as suggested by your professor).

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  20. Of course men brag about their sex lives. Its sort of the way they express dominance over other guys. Women are less forth coming about their sex lives because politically it is seen as wrong for women to have many partners.

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  21. Wow! This was great! I believe that the reasons for the way men and women play the numbers are all due to stereotyping. Women fear that if they sit down with the love of their life and say, I have been with 17 people, they will be classified as a slut, be it by their partner, friends and or family. Men have to keep up this idea that they can have any one- at any time and have had them all. It can backfire though, because if you have an off night….the woman may think you just suck in the sack!!! What they don’t understand (the men) is that this is partially why women don’t trust them, because if you tell me you have had 100 sexual partners, in my mind I think “Why stop with me then….”. I think in a relationship the healthiest sexual relationships are the ones where honesty is on the table and you are true about everything. I’m not saying that details should be discussed but by lying you could be inhibiting something that could be much different if all the cards were on the table

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  22. I've definitely seen this in guys, but I don't really understand why they do it. I guess it is an effort to prove that they are experienced, but it is actually a huge turnoff for me and I can only assume other females feel the same way. I don't want a guy who has already been through a population of partners, partly because I don't know what kind of disease he might be carrying and partly because there would be the thought that I would just end up being one of those discarded partners.

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  23. I think this has far less to do with sex than image. Many men(OK boys) have a real need to pump themselves up in their own mind as well as in the women’s minds they are trying to impress. I believe they exaggerate many things from their workout to sex to their educational accomplishments. Anyone who needs to give a run-down or a play by play of their “conquests” be it sexual or otherwise, is covering up for a deep-rooted insecurity. I think this professor of yours was one needy individual.

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  24. Its true that alot of guys lie about how much sex they get but on the other hand there are alot of females that lie about sex too. I agree with the statement that your professor made,"They look for men with no commitment in mind for an enjoyable interlude and then go on to the next man." I know females that have had sex with multiple dudes and allowed them to record it(via iphone). Some females do that for notoriety and just because they are freaks. Im not knocking it but to each it's own. I feel as if sometimes females take the role as the victim to cover up how much sex they really have.

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  25. I really enjoyed reading this experience that you had. Most women wouldn't have done that either. I personally don't go around telling all my girlfriends who I had sex with. I have one friend that I would tell...and that is all. Just like you said, If men truly like the women they are seeing, they won't go around and brag to everyone what they did the other night. High school guys or freshman or sophomore college guys, might "kiss and tell" but not grown men or men who are in love. If a man respects the women they are seeing they also should not kiss and tell. I dont know how women are so willing to just give sex out to who ever pleases them. I have never made this mistake and I hope I never do. The men are doing this simply because the women are giving it.

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  26. That was hysterical. Personally I have never met a guy who has seriously exaggerated his number to me, but then again I have only been with a handful of guys. I also think that now a days with STD's and everything people might cut their numbers short so they don't sound like they have been sleeping around so they can get with the person they are trying to jump into bed with.

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  27. This is true, men do lie, men lie about their conquests through their teeth! The real men chose never to kiss and tell... I believe that the question every relationship comes to at one point or another tends to ask "how many?" the answer should be... "doesnt matter"...

    this question can drive men/women away from the intimacies of a relationship or even jeopardize that spark. No one should ever know how many their partner has ever been with. Its unimportant and can dampen any progress...

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  28. I personally think many women are self concious about there doings because they are very afraid of what others will think of them. Men do tend to brag about their doings much more. Honestly, I think that in todays society they charish some behaviors while frowning upon others. For example if a woman were to sleep with every guy in her class, many people would think she was nasty. On the other hand when men sometimes sleep with lots of women people applaud them and charish them for their acts. Not always, but certainly more than it should be.

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