Sex and Love 100

Musings on the most basic life skill . . .

Thursday, February 2, 2012

The Naked Truth

     OMG- this topic sooo deserves to be front and center and I credit my gf Laurie for the idea.  Some of us hate our nakedness.  I mean HATE!  Body dysmorphia - the idea that we do not have the correct perception of what we look like, is epidemic- most especially in the US.  Most women rate themselves heavier and less attractive.  When it comes to getting nude, unless we do porn for a living, nude modeling or spend weekends in a nudist camp, we are nervous.  By the way, you can blame it on those bitches who bleach their sphincters, rip out their body hair and inflate their boobs like basketballs and the media that shoves such ideals down our throats.  I like my bod but I have to admit even I have moments.  If you say you don't you are a liar. 
       But I will share this- last year my very close friends and I decided to get to our naked flaws and show each other what we hated about our bodies the most.  So there we were, seven of us topless, bottomless, stomachs out, bent over, OMG did we look like a sight. But the strangest thing was none of us thought any of the others were offensive, ugly or strange.   And we all felt that way about one another.  So we went around the room and talked.  In one of those powerful sisterly moments I felt so beautiful....  We all did.  It was truely a lesson, or reality check.  But not everyone lives in Woodstock and has friends that will do this.
      I will admit my favorite shopping moment is when I see that STAR magazine at the register covered with horrendous celebrity pics in bikinis; this one emaciated and that one with rolls but the best are the saggy, baggy and flabby ones.  I gloat because Demi Moore has cellulite all over her ass.  "Ha Ha Ha," I  say to myself.  If I could have turned to kiss my own ass at that moment I would have.   I stand at the longest line and tear through the pages to see those fat bitches, dimpled and sagging and then I say to myself;  wow self, wow sister-women we are not the only SHAR-PEI females!!!!  Why do I feel so good? Because someone tells the truth and somewhere in east BumF--k there is this woman, who is down on her self,  who sees that STAR magazine and realizes there is no such thing as prefect. 
Alas, I have not really let it get to me. 
     But here is what one of my Girl friends told me:  I figure that my poor husband has not seen me totally naked in 20 years.  He only thinks he has.  I told him the topic of my blog and he laughed.  "I've seen you naked every day."  But he doesn't know that it is an optical illusion.  It's like the fan dance the old strippers did.  First I uncover myself on the bed.  Everyone looks good horizontally.  That is the reason we go into the ground on our backs not standing straight up and down.  They lay us out this way because all the flesh seems to stay put- like Jello.  Using gravity and a forced suck of air, I flatten my stomach, raise my floppy thighs up so they look thinner and reach for the robe.  Then I slide out of bed with the robe.  I let it grace my had-too-many-babies-belly.  Expertly I allow some peeking and then I turn fast, the robe is on and I make my way to the bathroom. 
     Women, we all know the tricks to give us confidence.   Then there is candlelight.  OMG if ever there was every a cheap aid for sex (besides olive oil) it's candle light.  Light them up!  Then there is lingerie.  Preferably the kind that gives you a lift here and there.  If that doesn't work make sure you use your upper arms to prop your poor old girls up and out of your arm pits.
     Finally there is wine.  Everything looks better through rosé colored glasses.  A few later and you won't care what he thinks! 
     If you are young and reading this I'm only telling you what you have to look forward to.  Hard to believe but younger women are MORE bothered by their physical appearance than older women.  We have confidence on our side.  Actually when I think about it I really don't think I have seen my own self in the mirror too recently.  But the truth is we shouldn't worry at all.  Why?  Men really don't care, they are really not that critical!
     Think about it for a minute.  Imagine this: have you ever heard of a guy stopping sex and saying "Wow, I can't get into it now that I see you have cellulite on your thighs."  Are you kidding!    I know I've told you some funny things and my husband is reading over my shoulder at this very moment.  He just said "passion is an airbrush."  Yes it is.  In those moments you don't notice the flaws or what we think are flaws.  In reality there are NO FLAWS.  What we need is confidence in who we are and what we bring to the relationship-   You are beautiful and deserving.  Say it again- YOU ARE DESERVING-  Dr.  Dawn Marlena Hopper
What do you think????

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