Sex and Love 100

Musings on the most basic life skill . . .

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Getting Over Love Lost- Philip of the Past

     Nothing is worse than finding your partner interested in someone else  person except for finding them in bed with another.  It happened to me.  It was about thirty years ago and we were in the early start of a college relationship when I just dropped by his apartment …the door open so I walked in.  Literally- to him in the sack with some girl who wouldn’t come out from under the blankets.  He jumped up and his skinny naked ass tried to follow me out the door as I fled.  I only remember the incredible beating of my own heart.  He was going off to grad school and I ignored his calls for the next few weeks.  I never spoke to him again, ripped up his letters and actually sent them in sheds back to his grad dorm in Chicago.  I was crushed, doing what most people do – cried and played songs that made me cry more.  I  wrote poetry ’’You’re the band aid seeped in the blood of a scab, stuck on my flesh, should I rip you off or let you peel away with time?”
     It got better, obviously, and I gave up on the poetry thing.  It was some twenty years later and guess what happened?  He finds me on Facebook.  I see his name in the message.  It summoned up the word asshole.  Yes, I hated his name.  If I met you and your name was Philip, you were doomed.  I was always thankful it was not a common name. His opening words were a combination of how I had not changed a bit in all those years and his wife was aware he was writing to me.  He wanted to apologize!  He wrote:

Monday, November 28, 2011

Girl talk - Finding Mr. Right in the On-Line Dating world

     Girlfriend calls.  My home number has become 1-800 advice.  I welcome it.  First it reminds me how fortunate I am to not be in the market place.  Second, it’s fodder for writing.  Third, I love my Gf circle.  Everyone has strengths and weaknesses; I know I’m disorganized, very ADD, way too socially inclined, trusting…but I do know relationships. I got that right. 
Gf Gail says “I call you not only because you know so much, but you got it right. My last therapist had three bad divorces in the background and actually wanted me to visit match .com with her!”
Yes, I got the relationship thing right. 
Ask Girlfriend Melinda who is on the add lines to send me any ads that are funny.  This is no joke- here it is.

Men and Women are Equal but Different

        Dr. Roy Baumeister wrote a book – Is There Anything Good About Men?  I know Roy’s work  because he was a friend of my mentor James Tedeschi.  It’s a great read and especially so for an older feminist like me.  I cannot possibly discuss it in a few paragraphs but I’ll tickle you with this.  Women have spent the last 30+ years kvetching (complaining) about the raw deal we think we have.  God-forbid we allow men to say anything bad about us!  Roy argues that we are different- not better or worse- just different.  However there is a camp out there perched on a theoretical hill with a sniper aimed right at the heart of that statement.  Why?  Because some hold fast and tight to the notion that there are no male and female differences.  To say that, to imply that makes me a traitor to all feminism stood for. Go ahead, throw tomatos at me.  

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Friends with benefits-Girl Talk

     Girlfriend 'Terry' just called.  OMG she says- "I'm sooo mixed up about Tim."
     Tim is a her fwb guy.  The've been meeting up about once a week for months.  She's not in a relationship and neither was he. Her news?  She's jealous, really jealous. Evidently after a perfectly great romp Tim tells her about this great woman he met and had a few dates with and that very night he was making plans to take this new love interest out- somewhere special.
     I warned her.  Fwb's are not.  It all works until one of decides that you have more invested than the other.  The investment you cannot have is emotion.  That has to stay out of the mix, completely and utterly.  Which is almost impossible since one of you will be bitten and the mere fact she is jealous is a very bad sign. 
     "Maybe he's full of shit and is just trying to get a rise out of you," I tell her.   We all know how to play that jealousy card.  Women more than men but maybe he is send a message so he can feel it out.  I did see No Strings Attached...

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Is My Lover Satan in Disquise and is that a Tail I see...?

     Love, a deep emotion, should not be blind.  But it is for some.  If there is anything I know it’s that you can’t convince a person in loves rapture that their other half is an asshole.  The drunk, criminal, con-artist and cheaters best ally is his or her lover. They have someone to borrow money from, a dependable booty call and a perpetual flow of energy in their life to assist them in working out all their issues.  And there is girlfriend Briana calling me at 7 am to get my advice on her newest love - who she sweats is the real thing because he's not returning her phone calls and numerous texts. 
     "Briana...friend... the guy was dis-barred- he has lost his license to practice law... don't  you think there is something odd about that..?"
     She defends him.  "Well, I already told you that he only got the DWI because his ex called the police after he left ..you know it was a set up."
     "What about the other charge...you know the one about giving alcohol to minors?" 
     She has another defense. I tell her she should be his attorney!  I know nothing and I mean nothing can sway her opinion and the rosy colored glasses she's wearing aren't coming off.  She's on drugs - those produced by her brain.  Toxic love juice.  Something about this cazzo di cavalo is working magic on her.  By the way that means horses ass
     She is far from alone. Have you ever wondered why seemingly good women fall for prison inmates? My neighbor moved to the boonies to be closer to her jailed love!  Are you sitting these and thinking to yourself ‘never me!’ or are you that person who has done it?
     I’m not going to tell you why you’ve done it- that requires  a long discussion.  But sometimes we fall in love with love and see what we think is potential- not reality.  Here are the warning signs that your love might be the wrong person.  Here are some tips:

Monday, November 21, 2011

Men Love!

Who loves more? I believe men do.
You are laughing right?  Stop.  Women don’t kill themselves over men, women don’t kill their families, rivals, stalk or obsess anywhere near the rate the men.  Rejected men go nuts.  Why?  Because they tend bond to the women they love furiously. 
     Stereotypes however portray men as cold, aloof, cunning, ruthless in exploiting women, going from conquest to conquest.  Women are the lovers and men are the leavers.  Not so. One of the most interesting studies on this topic was done by Zick Rubin, Latitia Peplau and Charles Hill in 1981 who followed a large group of couples over a long period of time examining their love relationship and their break-ups.  That stereotype of men as cads is false.

What is your love style?

What’s your love style?  While we have mapped the brain and found evidence of passion on our minds we’ve also found powerful neurochemicals that allow us to enjoy those warm and fuzzy moments with one another.  Driven by Oxytocin in women and vasopressin in men these connections ignite the moment we are born and comforted by our caregivers.  Yes, this time you can blame it all on your parents. Attachment is hallmarked by our ability to form trusting bonds and realistic expectations of those in our love circle.  Test yourself -   

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Do Men Love as Much As Women?

What exactly is love?
     Are you aware that for most researchers love was considered a new invention? Lisa Diamond, an eminent theorist in the literature on love points out that ”no definitive test of true love exists” (Diamond 2004).   It’s much easier to measure how much sex we have, think about, masturbation rates and desires. 
     But there is love! In the largest study of its kind William Jankowiak titled his bookRomantic Passion: A Universal Experience?  Quite appropriately.  After examining 166 societies he concluded that at least 89% experienced heartfelt passion and excitement which we call love.  From small islands in the ocean, to the Amazon, the Arctic north, almost all people experience passionate love.
It was Helen Fisher and Art Aron and Lucy Brown that mapped the brain in love.  Yes, both men and women’s brains look exactly the same when in love: like a drug addicted brain. 
The big question is do we act the same?  Yes we do!  Men and women feel the same and have the same desires and hopes. Gay, straight, love bites all of us!
     So what is love? Lovers intensely focus their attention on one another at the expense of other relationships or tasks, exaggerate their positive qualities and ignore the negative, work to win their approval with increased energy often pay particular attention to the moods and dispositions of their lovers or any cue or clue they can grapple with to feed the flame of love, experience euphoria when it is fed but mood swings and depression if it is not or the lover is away from them, depressed when love is not returned or love leaves.  They have intrusive thoughts of the other person and think about their love object endlessly.  They were jealous, protective, and seemingly faithful. Two interesting findings emerged; passionate love required sex and sex with only the love object was desired.   For men and women faithfulness is a priority.  Does that make you feel good?

Men and Sex? The Evidence...

     Consider this- women will not rape for sex nor pay for it. Do you know of any woman prowling the street corners looking for able men to have sex with them?  She needs to have her head examined. Ask any female what she would rather have- a new pair of designer shoes or a night with a good looking sexually able man.  Hands down, I know the answer.   In looking for fundamental differences between men and women researchers have found the differences staggering.  For the benefit of my more research orientated audience I’ve included some reference aids in parentheses next to the statements I deliver.    
     Come to Pornatopia! The research on men and sex is plentiful.  Excuse me, I should qualify this statement; the research is usually conducted using college students, usually freshman.  Sex drive might be considered the motivation to engage in sex and men do possess much more.  Men think about sex more than women (Oliver and Hyde, 1993).  Males experience more unwanted and intrusive sexual thoughts (Byers, Purdon, and Clark, 1998; see Baumeister, 2010) report more sexual compulsive thinking and need to control it (Vanwesenbeeck, Bekker, and van Lenning, 1998), have more spontaneous events of desire; sometimes several times a day while females report only a few times a week (Beck, Bozman, and Qualtrough,1991;  Knoth, Boyd, and Singer, 1988).  Men also report much more fantasy having over twice as many sexual fantasies per day (4.75 vs. 2.00)  than do females (Jones and Barlow 1990) and they masterbate more.   

The Costs of Hooking up-

     Imagine that an attractive person of the opposite sex walks up to you on a college campus and says “Hi, I’ve been noticing you around town lately and I find you very attractive. Would you go to bed with me? How would you respond?  (Buss 1994)
     This was an actual experiment. If you are a female you would immediately become shocked and say no.  Your brain may take it as a threat of possible assault and you may become alarmed.  If you are male you might be one of the 75% who are quite flattered and would say yes.
     Now let’s play with this a little more.  
     Imagine that an attractive person of the opposite sex walks up to you on a college campus and says “Hi, I’ve been noticing you around town lately and I find you very attractive. I am looking for a serious relationship and how would you like to go out with me?  How would you respond?

Saturday, November 19, 2011

How this began- Professor Sexmachine

     Some years ago (disco days) I was sitting in a human sexuality class taught by a psychologist that thought he was an expert on the topic.  It was a time when college professors actually did sleep with their students!  Professor sexmachine fortified his lectures with his own powess and experiences.  Aside from this rather disgusting self-disclosure I had some immediate and profound thoughts;  first of which was that from his appearance I doubted there was a line of women waiting to tackle his bones.  Something about tight hip- huggers which pushed out a ring of stomach flesh, the open neck shirt with neck chains tangled with profuse  chest hair turned me off.  But I was already a mother of two and hardly susceptible to horny older men.    

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

The Myths and Legends Sex and Love

Excuse the way the questions are worded- They all came out of some scientific research study and scientists are not known for their sparkling dialog and catchy phases!!
Score yourself by the following
1= True    2= False

A real guy should want sex a lot of the time  ___