Holding out: How long should, would, could you wait before sex?

If you are interested in a relationship,  what should your strategy be?  Hook up or Hold out?
I don't care that some chick screwed her way to monogamy, I have a masters in statistics.  After screwing hundreds of men, you are bound to get one sucker and HPV.

My new read is Dan Slater's Love in the Time of Algorithms.

It's a  fascinating journalistic look at history of on line dating with some insights into some issues. And there are issues. Big ones. Worse is that everyone seems to have an opinion.  Did I mention that my mentor was the master of the liking algorithm, Donn Byrne.  So I think I know something. Here's a hint: they don't work on line.  Most people can develop some similarity.

I have five friends miserably failing right now.  Besides having way too much choice, thinking you have so many options because there are thousands of good looking mates out there, on line daters are becoming way too choosy, choosing men and woman way out of their league. Then they fantasize about their imaginary relationship with this person through emails or chats, never realizing that this person has a list of their own of potential mates, and they also have overestimated how worthy they are.

There was a time when men married to get reliable sex.  No, I'm not bullshitting, there was a time when women didn't give it away for a wink, a flirt, a text message or a dinner.  

I have a male friend named "Don," the Don of sex.  Every Friday, when he doesn't have a date, he winks at the woman that's not so good looking but not so unattractive. He looks for a woman less attractive than he thinks he is- and desperate. "Why isn't someone as nice as you out?" he writes her.  He told me one night he never made it into the bar-she flashed her lights and they did the deed in the car. here is the worst part: Don is looking for love! He wants to find his soul mate! But with Vagina growing on trees, he's waylaid (I mean that pun) on his love journey.  He's not alone, Dan Slater exposes the issue in his book.  Dan Slater says that convenient sex discourages men form commitment and I agree. What we need id e-Date-Etiquette- or a refined set of rules for behaving.

Helen Fisher did a mini study addressing this issue and although she is paid by chemistry, her results show that women are opting out of sex early on in the relationship.  It's a smart move.

Lesson: lower your standards in on line dating and not your pants.  Match up--look for someone in your league. The Don's out there are ready to take full advantage of the desperate women

What Do Men Want?

Today I met a friend for lunch with a copy of my book on men—a book jammed packed with their love stories.  For one hour we discussed my ideas.  The woman at the next table felt my very words were an insult to her ears.

She went militant on me.  I tried to calm her.  But when she called me a crazy religious zealot and an affront to all women who fought for women's rights I went "Gloria" on her.  I lived in a women's commune in the mid-seventies!  Burn my bra?  I cut a huge hole in the ass of my jeans and let my checks spill out.  I fought idiots at Planned Parenthood.  This wasn't the first time I got that reaction and it won't be the last.  I love men and because I love it doesn't negate the fact I love women.  SO I'm reposting Dr. Helen Fisher's blog that gets to the meat.

For centuries Americans and people just about everywhere else, have believed a lot of things about women that we now realize aren’t true.  Among them, the credos that a woman’s place is in the home and that aging single women—long called spinsters—are sad misfits.  Decades of marches, articles, books, law suits and national, regional and local discussions have finally uprooted these and many more wrong beliefs about women.  This national survey furthers that cause.   Indeed, it shows that women seek more independence in a partnership than men do.

But I have long wanted to bust myriad myths about the other half of the human race–men.  Single in America does it in spades.   This national survey clearly shows that men are just as eager to marry as women are; 33% of both sexes want to say “I do.”  Moreover, men in every age group are more eager than women to have children.  Even young men.  Among those between ages 21 and 34, 51% of men want kids, while 46% of women yearn for young.  Men are less picky too.  Fewer men say it is  important to find a partner of their own ethnic background (20% of men vs 29%  of women said this is a “must have” or “very important”); and fewer say they want someone of their own religion (17% of men vs 28% of women said this is a “must have” or “very important”).   Men are also more likely to have experienced love at first sight, as well as open to introducing a date to their parents sooner.

Perhaps most impressive:  In a committed relationship, men are less likely to say they need personal space (58% vs 77% of women); less likely to want nights out with friends (23% vs 35% of women); less eager to own their own bank account (47% vs 66% of women); and less likely to want to take a vacation on their own (8% vs 12%).  Remarkably, men under age 45 are also more willing  than older men and women to enter a committed relationship with someone who has everything they were looking for in a partner, but whom they do not find sexually attractive.  And just as many men under 35 believe you can stay married to the same person forever (84%). http://blog.match.com/2011/02/04/the-forgotten-sex-men/

Sorry, we are not from other planets.  Dr. Dawn Hopper

Dr. Dawn: On line dating rules and Boundaries

Boundaries.

Rule number one.  The most sacred rule of all: boundaries.  You need boundaries.  Without them you compromise yourself, values and worse you send out the signal of DESPERATION.

Women appear to have much more desperation when looking for love than men.  If there is any cue that can bite you, it's being desperate.  Nothing men like more than a desperate woman and a woman with low self-esteem.  It attracts the worst. There are blog sites that train men how to find a desperate woman out there. 

Desperation can bring out the worst.  It leads us to wear the too tight dress, revealing too much cleavage, coming off to sexual and nixing the chance to find that commitment switch.  Being the girl next-door is probably the most powerful tactic you can take in finding Mr. Right.  One of the biggest mistakes women make is in amping up their sexuability too soon.  Good men want wholesome women who will be fabulously sexual with them and only them. If you don't agree go into therapy or become an escort.   

Let me tell you about what my friend Tara did.  She is probably one of the most beautiful women I know.  She had one goal: to find love. For the next year I watched her fumble and bumble her quest with at least twenty different guys.  For the sake of parsimony I'll narrow them down—I want you to see how attachment style feeds off of desperation.  It you looked up that word in the dictionary her face would have been plastered to it. 

            At the time of her divorce I was a teaching at a small college and I introduced her to Rob, a clam handsome divorced father of two.  I knew him well, he came from a wonderful family and had strong values and was looking for exactly what she was; a loving partner to spend the rest of his life with.  He was secure, came from a close knit family and they hit it off.  She'd call me each day and tell me of their wonderful conversations and how quickly they found shared interests and that connection.  But a months into their connection I sensed something was wrong.  

            Driving some 60 miles each way to his house, she was there every day and had practically moved in. "Don't you think you're moving too fast," I asked her.  She thought nothing of it and waylaid my fears.  But soon after he called me to tell me that he had to cool it all off.  "She's a great woman, but she is too over powering.  I think she needs time to figure out what she wants," he said to me.   The next weeks were spent weeping into my pillows and accidentally texting him.

            Her next plan was on-line dating.  After hundreds of profiles she found Barry, he looked good, had a great job and relayed that he was seeking a long-term relationship.  Barry however was our dismissive type; he was already forty and had never been married. All his vibes told me he lived to fly solo and had little need for a real relationhip—one that required real interaction—because for the next weeks they texted compulsively, chatted on the phone all night and there was still no meeting.  I had no doubt he was a pretexter- my term for those people who form on-line attachments and never move beyond the surreal world of texting and sexting because it satisfies them.  Finally she wrangled a meeting out of him.  When she stopped over before her date I was shocked.  She stood in a revealing dress, too blond, too overdone and raged desperateness. So can you guess what happened?  His picture didn't say that his head was far too puny for his body, that he had a weak chin and small female-like hands.  Nor did it say I hate desperate women.  Before they even ordered the entrée he fled the scene.  We had another week of crying and self-loathing. 

            Even approaching that desperation thing was impossible.  Next was Mr. Preoccupied—Nate. The desperate meets the desperate.  Nate was handsome and giving and soon I named him Mr. Velcro.  That name—preoccupied—it means they are preoccupied with getting dumped. When you are afraid to lose in the game of love, you tend to do one thing; wind your way into that target's  life.  He whined and wined her—practically moving into her house. He had no career to speak of other than worshiping the various women he had loved, or professed to have love.  I listened to his syrupy sweet anthems each night, and watched her walks around my house like a deranged Fellini character, in a bra and thong. I wanted to vomit.  

       Way too fast is how these relationships work because desperation feeds off other desperation.  It took some shocking realities to lift the veil; he was an alcoholic, had a criminal record, was living off his mother's credit card, had no real job aspirations and the house he supposedly lived in?  At forty, he had 8 college aged roommates.  Her puppy dog turned into a monster. 

            Now that we've described it, my next blog will detail the signs.

In the meantime tell yourself you are worthy, he needs to prove himself- not the other way around.  Men need to compete, to woo and to work for our love.  THAT IS SCIENCE my dears.

Anything worth having is worth working for- the principle of effort justification.  Google that !     

ONLINE DATING: Ok cupid, make me a match with those plenty of fish over fifty or Christian Mingle me with eharmony for a Jdate with chemistry. Yahoo!

ONLINE DATING: Ok cupid, make me a match with those plenty of fish over fifty or Christian Mingle me with eharmony for a Jdate with chemistry. Yahoo! 

So confusing!  The scientific truth is that there is little reliable research.  I just read a book review where some woman conducted her own experiment and delivers her say on the matter, without any  scientific reasoning behind her common sense rules. What she did was to dupe 90 women into thinking they were dating a man, profiles she created.  She catfished them all and her lack of ethics in doing this makes me question anything she might say. 

"I also wanted to learn everything I could about my competition. So I created profiles of 10 male archetypes and spent a month as these men, interacting with 96 women, researching their methods and scraping data from their profiles."  From http://www.cnn.com/2013/01/22/living/online-dating-amy-webb/index.html "Data, A Love Story: How I Gamed Online Dating To Meet My Match," By Amy Webb, to be published January 31 by Dutton.

OMG, are you kidding?  I've got a lot to say about algorithms used by dating sites.  Unfortunately dating-sites are not keen on giving anyone access to what they know.  But there are scientists in Universities, real ones, who number crunch and pick through the BS.  In the next series of articles I'm going to tell you the truth. I only hope those women she catfished come forward and those sites investigate. Anyone could be out therecould be pulling an "Amy."  

I'll give you the second rule: Identify the person. Try to date people in your area.  Google their names.  If you don't see their names anywhere, be suspicious.  If you find a job listing, call, ask for them and listen to their voice- just to make sure of their gender.  Speaking about gender try Gender Genie on Google, you paste some interaction in and they spit out the gender of the writer.  

If you cannot dig up this person on the internet - don't go on.  More about this later but this leads to the best way to identify--meet as soon as possible.   

The first rule?  Have boundaries.  That means getting rid of desperation, that is your worst enemy and perhaps the most difficult to tackle. Keep on dating!  Dr. Dawn Hopper  

  

Online Love

The Love Lost Generation: The Problem with On-line Dating and Choice.
Love-lost genration? Sadly we are more confused than ever. Our cave life made it all much simpler. A hundred possbile dates? Are you kidding?

GF Becca calls. Disgusted with on-line dating- too much time, too much work, too little results. Is she alone? Hardly. The industry calls it “one of the best tools,” but unfortunately our cave brains see it as a massive stimulus overload. You just have too many choices! It might seem great to have hundreds of potential matches but then again our mind plays some tricks with all that information.

First, it gives us a false sense of confidence that we are in more control than we are. Then we make the next mistake, thinking we have control we maximize our pay-off. So when Becca saw Tom, a heart surgeon who took a liking to her pic, she chose him—Not for nothing but Becca is a cocktail waitress and wouldn’t know an artery from an arterial.

What she doesn’t know is that our brains get irritated when we are faced with too much choice. Oh how we hate to be wrong, indecisive and leave tings to chance. So she makes her contact. Now her brain decides to screw her over again—she becomes convinced they are destined. She goes back to his profile and works over all the reasons they are a couple. We call it post-decision dissonance and without all the science gab, it’s a way that we make ourselves feel better after we make a choice. We feelmore confident. Those dating sites know this. They know you might do all the things that Becca did and that’s why they give you certain information and then smack it with a percentage. He was 97% her match. For the next day she read, reread and presumed that they had everything in common.

Now effort- justification kicks in. What’s that? It’s when we amp up our confidence that our efforts are well-justified. After all, she spent two solid days filling our questionnaires and another weekend responding to questions and queries. Our minds don’t like to think our efforts are worthless and Becca was absolutely convinced that there was a pay-off in there for her. Of course her mind filled in all the gaping pot-holes in her path—after all with hundreds of choices and a 97% match, what could go wrong? Plenty.

The date was a disaster. He, like 67% of men use on-line dating as a hook-up tool. After plying her with gin he proceeded to tell her about his other vein—She bolted from the restaurant.
But even if that last scenario didn’t happen all that choice lends us to experience some big disappointment. So what can you do? First you just learned something about how thinking can undermine our efforts. However in the next weeks I’ll set out some great rules that can help in maximizing on-line dating efforts.

For more information: Online Dating: A Critical Analysis From the Perspective of Psychological Science, by Eli J. Finkel, Paul W. Eastwick, Benjamin R. Karney, Harry T. Reis, and Susan Sprecher

Can Friends Become Lovers? Tell me. . .

Can they?  It happens more than we know it.  When you notice they are better looking than you thought, it's working.  When you are happy just seeing them, i'ts working. Comfortable together? It's working.  Research tells us that the mere exposure effect makes us sink into happiness when we see a familiar face, a loved one or an accepting friend. In spite of on-line dating,  more romances happen when faced with a familiar face.  And it keeps love going.  Happy couples relish seeing one another.  Have you had this experience?    

Match.com: Plenty of Fish in the Sea

It seems all my friends are trawling these days on dating sites and I have a lot of chum to chew about.  I’ve vowed that if I ever have a single life, I will never go out to sea.  Take Bob, by far the best fisherman out there and my gf’s ex.  She left, he wasn’t ready, and with a broken heart, a heavy dose of sexual rejection,  he did exactly what men do to heal—they fish the sea of women.  He’s not into the catch and release program and he’s floundered the last month with at least a dozen fish,  some still on ice, in his walk-in-cooler.  I know he’s not exaggerating; my cousin, an experienced fisherman has told me many times the lure can be a phone call, a cheap dinner and a bottle of wine.  “Dawn,” he said, “there are so many women out there!”

So when Bob showed me his line and hook, and made his cast, I had no doubt they’d feast on his bait.   He listed his income in the 99% that most of us 1%er’s despise yet covet and then characterized himself as loving, generous and out for a long term relationship with a woman who could travel the world with him and visit exotic places.  They swarmed.

Bob responded, and with a heavy heart telling them he was still in love with his scornful wife and terribly lonely.  Men, he cast the perfect line.  This wounded guppy created the perfect feeding ground for bottom dwellers.  Woman #1 responds.  He tells me she is self-made, a professional gambler,  living with her aged parents, who she lovingly tends to and runs an internet business on EBay. I’m sitting right there when she sends him a picture of her at that moment in her panties. A Black lace piece of dental floss.  I look down at my crotch imagining what my husband might think if I sent him my shot, right at that moment—jockey microfiber granny panties.  I tuck away the idea of doing something fun for David and  went back to Bob’s plight.  Hi mind was wound in the Black lace but my logical prefrontal cortex was screaming.  So I translate: Compulsive gambler, lost so much money she has to live her parents basement and sell her garage sale finds to fill her gas tank.  I add that she might be selling her used underwear.” 

“But she doesn’t drink,” he retorts.

“Oh,”  I say, “she’s a recovering alcoholic too.” 

A week later he tells me I was right. His revelation came after he found himself eating alone in the casino dining room and after she swiped the tip off the table for “just one more game.”  The evening was topped off with wild sex after she beat him at strip poker and out of a couple hundred dollars.  “How did that happen?” I asked.

“Every time I lost a piece of clothing I had to pay her fifty dollars.”

By now he’s got a new one on the line.  “She’s really down to earth,” he tells me. He describes her life:  She doesn’t care about money— which was a revelation after her near-death experience, after the bus hit her, and after the state took her four kids when she woke from the three month coma, couldn’t recall her own name but had to start again by working in a soup kitchen and living in a studio.

“How old is she?” I ask.

He responded but all I processed was “still fertile.”

“Did you use a condom?” I asked. 

“Oh my God,” he said. “I never thought about that.”

Somehow my mind conjured up the predatory image.  Nothing more juicy than a fat wallet and a desperate man. 

“Bob, it’s like the food chain.  You think your landing plenty of fish but they have to feed too.”

As the weeks went by  Bob got tired of his expedition. “It’s like a full time job,” he told me. “Depressing as hell.”  

He turned the iPod towards me so I could read it. 

All the right words were there; Attractive, divorced, financially secure, wanted honest long term relationship, loved to travel to exotic places. . . .”

He scrolled up to the photo.  It was his ex.

eHarmon-erffic! Some Truths about eHarmony and Why it Works

My girlfriend joined a few weeks ago.  I sat by her side and watched the process.  Because I’ve been asked many times about what I think about dating sites, I thought I’d spare the humor and give you a professional opinion.  No, I’m not being paid to say this.  It works because it is based in some rather sound scientific principles.  For those who do not know, eHarmony begins with a series of questions examining your values, beliefs, emotional health and life skills.  It takes hours and in the end, after paying a fee, you are shown some pictures and given limited information about your matches. You have three stages to follow before you get a chance to contact that person.  You cannot lie, you cannot be married nor can you be separated.  They have a way to check you out but that is another blog.  It works for several reasons. 

First, they force you to spend the entire day filling out questionnaires.  If you were not in touch with your feelings, it’s like having five serious therapy sessions—in the end you know a hell-of-a lot about yourself and what you can with or cannot live without.  As a side note, there are scales of mental fitness- it might be worth the effort and money to weed out some wakadoodles.    

Second, this is a fantastic exercise for anyone, especially men, many of whom have little idea what they really want out side of the best looking woman they can attract.  Men tend to go for the looks first and while women weigh attractiveness they tend to balance it out.    

“I want to go out with this one,” my cousin said to me while he was on Plenty of Fish. 

I looked at her picture, in a bikini, at least 20 years his junior.  

“But she says she will not date smokers and you smoke.”

“I’ll quit,” He tells me. 

Third and related to the second, you are not bombarded by hundreds of people.  My poor cousin could not sift the chafe from the wheat; he was stuck on young skinny women, twenty years his junior, that were into rock concerts—he wears a hearing aid.  The more balanced matches faded into the page.  eHarmony whittles the selection process down as the process reminds you what dating is all about.  It’s the time we get to know someone else—and not just physically.  

Fourth, once you hone in on someone it mimics courting.  You’ve see the face, you’ve read the bio, you have some facts and now you get the chance to tell your philosophy of live,  There are three stages of guided communication before you can email them.  The questions are deep and require thought:  What are five things you cannot live without, or what have you learned from your past relationships, or who has influenced you the most in life and why. These questions reveal a lot about a person. When my girlfriend read that her match could not live without cleanliness, organization, good hygiene and nice teeth, she went on to the next person.  Imagine how long it might have taken her to find out he was such a neat freak?    

Fifth, it requires effort.  Anything worth having is worth waiting for.  It’s called effort justification and the more we work at something the more valuable we think it is.  This principle applies the moment you sit in front of the computer and face hours of questions with a meter telling you how far you are in the process.  There were a few times I got frustrated when my girlfriend was answering the mounds of questions.  “But I’m 60% done,” she exclaimed.  The same idea applies when you’ve spent weeks harmonizing with another person.  Now she’s  going on her first date with the man she’s written to for several weeks. I can almost imagine it; awkwardness is set aside. Already they have discussed literature, their careers,  their relationships and he’s already aware that she isn’t ready for the bedroom.

Sixth, the name says it all—harmony—as in in-sync.  As a student of one of the most brilliant minds in the relationship arena (Dr. Donn Byrne) similarity is one of the most potent foundations of liking.  Opposites don’t attract!  We like people who share our views, it tell us we might be right about things.  It also gives us a feeling of control.  I remember some thirty years back when I went on a blind date.  He hated to read, loved heavy metal, chain restaurants and felt no one should leave the county until they had visited every state of the union.  Then there was his life of camping . . . It was a wash out.

Seventh,  familiarity breeds liking.  We like people we are more familiar with the more you talk, the more feel comfortable.  Have you ever had a person grow on you?  It’s the feeling you get when you realize they suddenly look more attractive.

Eight, it’s the timing thing.  You have to ready to love and to commit and anyone who takes the time to do eHarmony is in that place. 

Ninth, no man who is out for a hump and jump, hook-up, pump and run, or whatever you call it these days is going to pay over two hundred dollars, spend the entire day on the questionnaire, then have to wait another few weeks for some woman to respond to questions that he himself hasn’t written but are supplied by some psycho-computer somewhere.  He’ll be on another site. Your pool is virtually full of likeminded people who want to be in with someone.  Finally the most important one of all.

Tenth, You can openly discuss your sexual comfort level via the questionnaire and more important, that fling is going to take a while.  You’ve got weeks of a program ahead of you.

Despite our sexual freedoms, nothing can ruin a relationship more than hooking-up.  It clouds who they are and sex too soon is the kiss of death in many relationships. If it’s great sex, you might not notice the fact that they drink too much.  If the sex is bad, you might have gotten to know them enough to work on making it good.  And for your information, casual sex is virtually always poor for women.  It takes time to work it out, and when you do, when there is more caring, your partner is more interested in making it work.  The second problem is that once in the sack you can never go back.  Once sex enters the picture everything changes.  At least when you are on the site, your chances of that hook-up are decreased and all the effort put into hunting that person down might translate into a little wait.   

if you’re looking for a meaningful relationship and willing to put in the time, this is the site.  If you’re looking for quick and easy access join another site. 

Texting a Relationship

Texting a Relationship- Pretext

                There once was a time when we tried out relationships by face to face meeting.  Of course there was the obligatory phone call, but eventually we met that someone face to face.  I met my husband by dialing a wrong number.  I suppose if we zipped a few years in the future it could have been a wrong text.  But I thank fate it wasn’t.  I have no less than five friends who are dating in textland.  I call it pretext.  Instead of fingering body parts, they finger keys.  Instead of gazing into another face, they gaze at a Fb pic or a thumbnail.  Instead of actually seeing the nuances that will be deal makers or deal breakers, they are weighing the significance of tweets, tidbits and jargon. “Oh look,”  my friend says , “he’s texting me recipes!”  I look at the screen and see a recipe for Lovers Delight which involves a banana dipped in caramel, sprouting a dollop of whipped cream and then placed between two lady fingers.  “Are you kidding,” I said, never expecting to be answered.  Then I ask her for a review of this relationship which apparently her good friend, had been completely unaware of for the past year.  “Oh it’s been going on a while,” she says.  And then I learned that in the past year, around her other dating experiences, smashed in between the hours at school functions and her job, she’s had a whopping two dates which involved some dry humping on his couch and a lunch at a greasy diner while he waited for them to change his oil in his car.  “What happened to dating?”  She sighs and tells me “It’s complicated, he’s got all kinds of responsibilities.  He’s going through a divorce and we live an hour apart. We can only see each other when my job sends me to his region and that will not be for another week.  Then we only have the afternoon because he has his twin girls half the week, a second job to pay his attorney, and then band  practice.”

Looking for Men in Love- Are you There?

No, I am not crazy.  Men love more than women think.   I am looking for men who would write their love stories.  Yes, men!  So if you know a  man who has a love story, ending good or bad, long or short, pleasure or pain,   I’d like to hear from him!   Length is unimportant.  Love, livid, lurid, longing, life-changing, lachrymose, lascivious, lustful, lasting, laudable, lubricous, low-bred, luminous, lush, or lucid  -  I want them!  Lesson learned, hearts tormented, love that sustains It is all good.  Email the longest to dawnmhopper@gmail.com   -  I am collecting them.  Yesterday an 87-year-old man wrote me a 6 page single spaced story… WOW!  It was great.  I might publish it in a series, so wait….Thanks!

Is Virginity a Dirty Word?

12/7   Sitting with my 85 year old mother in a coffee shop one afternoon and she spies an old classmate from high school.  They chat and conjure memories. The woman wobbles, cane in hand away.  Mom strains her neck towards my face opposite her.  “She wasn’t a virgin”.  

     “What?” I say confused. 

      “You know…She was loose.”

     My mind reeled, after all those years that was all my mother could say!? 

     Let me assure you that the double standard (what men can do vs. what women can do) still exists.  I doubt it will ever disappear.  But the value placed on virginity has shifted dramatically since even I was in college.

Girl talk - Finding Mr. Right in the On-Line Dating world

     Girlfriend calls.  My home number has become 1-800 advice.  I welcome it.  First it reminds me how fortunate I am to not be in the market place.  Second, it’s fodder for writing.  Third, I love my Gf circle.  Everyone has strengths and weaknesses; I know I’m disorganized, very ADD, way too socially inclined, trusting…but I do know relationships. I got that right. 

Gf Gail says “I call you not only because you know so much, but you got it right. My last therapist had three bad divorces in the background and actually wanted me to visit match .com with her!”

Yes, I got the relationship thing right. 

Ask Girlfriend Melinda who is on the add lines to send me any ads that are funny.  This is no joke- here it is.

What is your love style?

What’s your love style?  While we have mapped the brain and found evidence of passion on our minds we’ve also found powerful neurochemicals that allow us to enjoy those warm and fuzzy moments with one another.  Driven by Oxytocin in women and vasopressin in men these connections ignite the moment we are born and comforted by our caregivers.  Yes, this time you can blame it all on your parents. Attachment is hallmarked by our ability to form trusting bonds and realistic expectations of those in our love circle.  Test yourself -   

Do Men Love as Much As Women?

What exactly is love?

     Are you aware that for most researchers love was considered a new invention? Lisa Diamond, an eminent theorist in the literature on love points out that ”no definitive test of true love exists” (Diamond 2004).   It’s much easier to measure how much sex we have, think about, masturbation rates and desires. 

     But there is love! In the largest study of its kind William Jankowiak titled his book “Romantic Passion: A Universal Experience?  Quite appropriately.  After examining 166 societies he concluded that at least 89% experienced heartfelt passion and excitement which we call love.  From small islands in the ocean, to the Amazon, the Arctic north, almost all people experience passionate love.

It was Helen Fisher and Art Aron and Lucy Brown that mapped the brain in love.  Yes, both men and women’s brains look exactly the same when in love: like a drug addicted brain. 

The big question is do we act the same?  Yes we do!  Men and women feel the same and have the same desires and hopes. Gay, straight, love bites all of us!

     So what is love? Lovers intensely focus their attention on one another at the expense of other relationships or tasks, exaggerate their positive qualities and ignore the negative, work to win their approval with increased energy often pay particular attention to the moods and dispositions of their lovers or any cue or clue they can grapple with to feed the flame of love, experience euphoria when it is fed but mood swings and depression if it is not or the lover is away from them, depressed when love is not returned or love leaves.  They have intrusive thoughts of the other person and think about their love object endlessly.  They were jealous, protective, and seemingly faithful. Two interesting findings emerged; passionate love required sex and sex with only the love object was desired.   For men and women faithfulness is a priority.  Does that make you feel good?

Men and Sex? The Evidence...

     Consider this- women will not rape for sex nor pay for it. Do you know of any woman prowling the street corners looking for able men to have sex with them?  She needs to have her head examined. Ask any female what she would rather have- a new pair of designer shoes or a night with a good looking sexually able man.  Hands down, I know the answer.   In looking for fundamental differences between men and women researchers have found the differences staggering.  For the benefit of my more research orientated audience I’ve included some reference aids in parentheses next to the statements I deliver.    

     Come to Pornatopia! The research on men and sex is plentiful.  Excuse me, I should qualify this statement; the research is usually conducted using college students, usually freshman.  Sex drive might be considered the motivation to engage in sex and men do possess much more.  Men think about sex more than women (Oliver and Hyde, 1993).  Males experience more unwanted and intrusive sexual thoughts (Byers, Purdon, and Clark, 1998; see Baumeister, 2010) report more sexual compulsive thinking and need to control it (Vanwesenbeeck, Bekker, and van Lenning, 1998), have more spontaneous events of desire; sometimes several times a day while females report only a few times a week (Beck, Bozman, and Qualtrough,1991;  Knoth, Boyd, and Singer, 1988).  Men also report much more fantasy having over twice as many sexual fantasies per day (4.75 vs. 2.00)  than do females (Jones and Barlow 1990) and they masterbate more.   

The Costs of Hooking up-

     Imagine that an attractive person of the opposite sex walks up to you on a college campus and says “Hi, I’ve been noticing you around town lately and I find you very attractive. Would you go to bed with me? How would you respond?  (Buss 1994)

     This was an actual experiment. If you are a female you would immediately become shocked and say no.  Your brain may take it as a threat of possible assault and you may become alarmed.  If you are male you might be one of the 75% who are quite flattered and would say yes.

     Now let’s play with this a little more.  

     Imagine that an attractive person of the opposite sex walks up to you on a college campus and says “Hi, I’ve been noticing you around town lately and I find you very attractive. I am looking for a serious relationship and how would you like to go out with me?  How would you respond?