Sex and Love 100

Musings on the most basic life skill . . .

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Is My Lover Satan in Disquise and is that a Tail I see...?

     Love, a deep emotion, should not be blind.  But it is for some.  If there is anything I know it’s that you can’t convince a person in loves rapture that their other half is an asshole.  The drunk, criminal, con-artist and cheaters best ally is his or her lover. They have someone to borrow money from, a dependable booty call and a perpetual flow of energy in their life to assist them in working out all their issues.  And there is girlfriend Briana calling me at 7 am to get my advice on her newest love - who she sweats is the real thing because he's not returning her phone calls and numerous texts. 
     "Briana...friend... the guy was dis-barred- he has lost his license to practice law... don't  you think there is something odd about that..?"
     She defends him.  "Well, I already told you that he only got the DWI because his ex called the police after he left know it was a set up."
     "What about the other know the one about giving alcohol to minors?" 
     She has another defense. I tell her she should be his attorney!  I know nothing and I mean nothing can sway her opinion and the rosy colored glasses she's wearing aren't coming off.  She's on drugs - those produced by her brain.  Toxic love juice.  Something about this cazzo di cavalo is working magic on her.  By the way that means horses ass
     She is far from alone. Have you ever wondered why seemingly good women fall for prison inmates? My neighbor moved to the boonies to be closer to her jailed love!  Are you sitting these and thinking to yourself ‘never me!’ or are you that person who has done it?
     I’m not going to tell you why you’ve done it- that requires  a long discussion.  But sometimes we fall in love with love and see what we think is potential- not reality.  Here are the warning signs that your love might be the wrong person.  Here are some tips:
1.   Your lover lies. You catch them telling you things that don’t add up or are distortions of the truth.  
2.   Another relationship exists in the background. They tell you they are getting divorced yet they still live with their ex.  
3.  They keep secrets- Not giving you access to their home phone or telling you what they did.
4.  They have no ‘real family’ to speak of or tell you they are emotionally separated from them.  This is a biggie- maybe they are sick and tired of lover.  
5.  They are not predictable or reliable- They stand you up, make plans that are unfulfilled.
6.  They cannot accomplish; college stints with no degrees, jobs here and there and no focus on their future or reality. - Lover’s world is filled with uncompleted endeavors but they have a lot of pipe dreams.  The word pipe dreams come from smoking opium and you might find yourself smoking toxic love. Beware, sometimes they suck you into financing their dreams- do you really want to buy buying weed and guitars for your aspiring musician?  
7.   They make excuses- Lover tells you it’s everyone else’s fault.  Poor me…It’s the ex who ruined their life, their parents, they were evicted because they had shitty roommates, all their professors sucked, boss was an asshole, they were broke…  
8.  Torment- Your heart is in both agony and ecstasy.  You may be on the emotional roller coaster where all the bad takes a sudden turn upwards making it seem ‘not to bad’ in retrospect.  It’s called negative reinforcement and the relief is so rewarding…It’s like being shipwrecked and finding pleasure licking water off a leaf.  Your desperation makes it taste like wine.
9.   They control you- Suddenly your life, your time with others and your decisions are not your own. Control grows when they feel their lifeline to you might be weak.
10.  Everyone who has been involved with Lover in the past avoids them.  If they have no real long standing friendships- run!  It means someone has gotten their picture.
11.  Your parents warn you.  Thank God for parents; they are looking out for their baby   and don’t care what the hell you think!   
12. There are deal breakers, things that you need to avoid at all costs; drug addictions, drinking too much, sex addictions or sexual wandering, emotional abuse, physical abuse, and borrowing credit or money. Even asking to tag on your phone plan, cover an expense should be a warning sign if there are others looming in the bad column.  
13. You complain to your friends- If you are calling your buddies for a cry or rage session like they are you therapist.  It may be time to wake up.  
14. They fly a freak flag- what's this?  wait for another blog... 
Finally think of it this way : If your friend called you and told you about this person what advice would you give them?  Why we do this?  Another blog…


  1. I'm not married, or wish to be anytime soon. But some of these statements do pretain to my boyfriend. I spend all my free time with him, and he blames the downfall of his last relationship solely on her. I also go to my male friend for advice after him and I have a huge arguement, which happen frequently. I guess my question is why do I love him so much then if these are signs of a bad relationship?

  2. My boyfriend lies. Even when he knows he is busted he will still try to lie. And yet I will take almost any excuse he gives me. My best friend tells me I need to leave and when i finally consider it I don't end up going through with it because I don't want to hurt him. He believes not telling the whole truth is not lieing. I assure him that's exactly what it is

  3. Ill admit I used to lie to my girlfriend a lot to get me out of trouble but I learned quickly that it just creates more problems. Basically, it was a hard lesson learned but if you have to lie to your loved one to keep you out of trouble, then you should probably stop whatever it is you are doing that causes you to lie to him/her.

  4. I have friends that have been in bad relationship and I my advice to them is to always get out! But they never listen, they just continue to get hurt. I don't understand why women stand the abuse men give. Whether it's physical or emotional abuse, why can't women get out?

  5. My best advice to people when they are in relationships like this is that love doesnt hurt.. you shouldnt have to work to love someone and if you do there is a problem.Dont get me wrong everyone has there issues and problems, but but if its to this extent it just probably should not be. Love should just be like breathing....

  6. I had dated somone like this he lied all the time,cheated and never held a job and had an excuse for everything. I delt with this for 8 long years a few break ups in between but I always took him back. I still to this day do not understand why I took him back. Looking back though I realize how foolish I was. I just haven't gotten that perfect relationship yet but my eyes were opened because of this experience.

  7. I don’t see how so many people (men or women) can call these people their boyfriends or girlfriends. I don’t know what the hell they see in those types of people. I mean come on, if you’re in a relationship where you’re constantly hurting and being lied to, get…out. Its only going to get worse.

  8. I agree nothing good will come out of a person who does these things. If you lie they are going to find out and then your lie will only get you in even more trouble.

  9. This is me, my husband who I've been together with now 9 years is in his forth year of a ten year prison sentence. Before he went away we did have a a little over 4 years together on the outside. Considering our relationship was a roller coaster, with both of using drugs and alcohol you can imagine there was a lot of agony and ecstasy going on, and was not at all healthy. Since john, my husband has been locked up i have become healthier and feel as if he is still stuck in his old behaviors. What i tend to think about now is that way he talked and if he is just manipulating me in an effort to get the things he needs while he is in there. I do believe he loves me but not in the way a man should love a woman i believe it is in a warped unhealthy way. I do not know if we will stay together we have had a lot of history together and i do have some guilt about leaving him behind. I also have myself and my children to think about. I wanted the "family" life and i guess in my head i thought marring him would help bring that closer. As i think about this more there really is no husband it is an illusion in my own mind. A husband would be here with me to share love, happiness, dinner at the table, family vacations and be right next to me when i close my eyes at night. So this family, my husband, does not really exist, and maybe now i need to start moving in a different direction.

  10. I have been on this roller coaster ride for the past three years. My boyfriend lies all the time, and I always can tell now when he's lying. He can't hold a job and I am always laying out the money to do things, and it gets old, but yet for some reason I still keep going back. I can't trust anything that he says to me, and every time we break up he finds a new girl friend then he'll break up with her because he misses me and he says "you're my world", but I am getting sick of the games. When something is bothering me when I catch him in a lie, he turns it to make me feel like the bad person. His whole family loves me and gets mad at me for keep going back to him, and all my family and friends strongly dislike him so I lie about it. It's not how I want to live, but when i try to get away i fall back. Is it something with me that makes me keep going back, or what is it? I can't figure it out.

  11. Coming from someone who has gone through some of this, it is easier said than done to get out of it, especially when you have a ton of time and emotion invested into it, its not easy to get up and leave. People are very tricky, they act one way in the beginning and then their true colors show when it is too late and your already hooked.
    It is really crazy how blinding love can really be. When I look back on my past relationship, I cannot believe what I went through and how very thankful I am not with him anymore. I even almost lost a very close friend of mine because of him, that should have been a cue. At the same time I struggled to keep myself healthy during that relationship, my best friend was in a controlling one. It was so bad that she tried to take me to lunch for my birthday and she had to take pictures of herself showing just me and her at the place she said she would be at and he still would not believe her. Ironically, I hated him for treating her the way he did not realizing that my boyfriend at the time was just as bad, if not worse!!
    What kills me is when your friend asks for your opinion on what to do about a guy who she has already slept with and has blown her off 123185759550 times and has had some pretty entertaining excuses I might add....isn't the answer simple?? When I tell her to ignore him she goes and does the exact can I get it through to her that hes not the one??

  12. People in these types of relationships often don't see that their not with the right partner because as the blog mentioned they focus mainly on the potential of the person they are with. I think the part of us that wants to find our ideal or "perfect" idea of a mate is the part of us that is blind so to speak. I don't think in any way that true love is blind. I also think that we create our idea of an ideal mate which of course we want to believe does exist and does love us back. I think that too is a big part of why these relationships are hard to look at in truthfulness and also hard to get out of. I think it is really hard to come to terms with the fact that in certain relationships you may not actually love who the person you are with is, but rather, are in fact searching to be LOVED. I think that often we want to be loved by our ideal mate so badly that we delude ourselves into thinking that the not so Mr/Mrs. Right we are with is actually our perfect partner because we are only focusing on their potential. I also think that when you desire to be loved deeply, or if in this case you go above and beyond for the person you are with you feel that you deserve to be loved in return and often when that doesn't happen you feel you just need to keep giving. I also think it's hard to get out of these relationships because it takes self-examination. When I find myself in these situations I have to take a step back and ask myself why I got myself into that kind of a relationship in the first place and what adjustments I need to make to my own life. And that is never easy. True love isn't blind, it sees the imperfections in our partner as well as what makes they special and beautiful to us. True love sees the good as outweighing the bad. The desire to be loved can make us blind. Not truly looking at the person we are with and focusing on what they COULD be or what potential they have is not what makes you love someone. You have to love someone for who they ARE and not what you would like them to be. I think that true love is actually the clearest vision.

  13. i had a friend who dated someone like this and it was horrible we ended up not being friends anymore because of it

  14. my friend that i have known for years went through a relationship like this. His girlfriend was manipulative and played herself off as the victim in every situation. i watched as she sucked him in. when he finally when he tried to get out she went after his best friend and started a relationship with him. She continues to tell people how horrible he treated her when she was the one that monopolized his life.

  15. i agree my last girlfriend who cheated on me with four of my friends (well not anymore)when i was on a two week trip to mexico. she fit like 10 of those warning signs and i admit it was my fault for not picking up on it even tho my two closest friends that were girls warned me not to date her. i still did and boy do i regret it. the rose colored glasses are a real pain. i wouuld recomend another warning sign 15: introduce you potental partner to your friends of the same gender as your partner ( so if your dating a women introduce her for the day to your close friends that are women) and they will be able to see who they really are. i found out that this is a rule to follow in my experances

  16. So none of these warning signs followed my husband prior to our marriage. As soon as the kids came though he backed away, and over the years the lies became more and more frequent. The infidelities too. But I had children now, and my health was not good, where could I go?

    Finally after his last "affair" I laid down the line and the rules. Gave him the choice and if he wanted me to stay he would have to change some things.

    We are still in the working out stage... so my question is how do you know if your "angel" will one day turn into the "devil"????

  17. In many relationships like this, the person being lied to really loves the liar and in their heart believes that one day, they will love them enough to stop lying. Unfortunately, this never happens and it is sad that one day it will finally end and it usually ends ugly. What troubles me, is that when you know that you’re constantly being lied to and you accept that, you send the message that they can do it again and again. Take my sister for example, I constantly feel sad that she has been married 14 years to an A.H. and I know that she truly doesn’t know what it is like to really be loved by a man, to never be lied to, to be good enough for his time. I wonder why she doesn’t see and or say “No More!”. I feel sad that she is constantly unhappy in her one life that she gets. Then I remember the heart my sister has, she truly loves him and wants it to work.

  18. If you or anyone as a matter of fact is in a relationship like this and continue to stay in it your crazy! You cant even call this a relationship and for those of you that can, you might want to get checked out haha. There is nothing good that could come out of a liar. Eventually that lie will catch up to you in the end and get you into even more trouble than you wouldve originally gotten into for being truthful. People that are in "relationships" like this should wake up and smell the coffee. You deserve better than that reguardless of who you are.

  19. if your relationship starts off in a lie thats what it will be. you can not grow on lies. lies will only bring out more lies. sometimes people change for the worst. at the begining of a relationship you want to show ur partner that you are what they need. sometimes this can lead to lies so they can be interested. but if you find you lover changing and you notice there are more lies being told. my best advice will be to let it go before its to late.

  20. If this doesn't explain some of my friends' relationships then I don't know what does. I can't say that I am Miss Innocent to these relationships myself either. True love shouldn't be searched for or justified by excuses, it should be on your doorstep.
    So I had these two friends, the guy chased her for years and then one day when it was convent to her she declares she is in love with him. Not saying she didn't care for him, but we all knew the truth besides him. Her life was going no where and everyone of her relationships was failed. She had no money and he was already sending her some to help. Why not take the bait? He was warned he shouldn't marry her but he was "in love" so he did. She walked all over him, stomped him into the ground actually. Every cent he earned was spent on her, he had to borrow money just to pay the rent because it was gone as soon as it entered their accounts, and his credit was shot from her running up credit their cards and then opening up more in his name. She took no realization to what she was doing. And if she did she didn't care. She was a drug user and messed around with other men while he was out to sea or she was on a trip. She neglected and abused their relationship so badly he had no personality left. It was so sad to witness. Finally it ended. It's a wonder of where they would be today. He has his personality back and she is still hanging out with the same crowd. She wanted him back again because she knew she was treated like a queen. Thankfully that hasn't happened.
    People can play mind games when they want something from others. She sure did. You really have to be careful when picking your partner, it takes time, observation, and advice from others, but most importantly it is how or she treats you and can that person handle being treated the same way.

  21. Some of these things sound like one of my exs so I can relate. Everyone tried to tell me and I wouldn't listen it was a roller coaster and I have no doubt that at one point he loved me but he didn't love me the way that he should have because he lost me. Now we don't even talk and a mutual friend of ours says you knew him like the back of your hand whats going on with this or that. I say that I have no idea and he needs more than your help to get him through this so far he's been in and out of relationships and has one restraining order that I heard of. Mind you that this was not the man I had dated and loved, but he did change I think about him some days and wonder when he is going to straighten out his life.

  22. Interesting post. I have a friend I work with who I am going to print this article out for and let her read it. Her "boyfriend, father of her child" fits most of the list to a T. My question is what is it that makes people do this? I can logically tell her what I see, as well as others do the same, but it is not I kind of just smile and nod when she talks about him and when she asks advice I tell her I already gave my advice years ago and it is her choice to stay with him. I hope we get a better explanation then toxic love juice...I am hoping for a future list of possible solutions. Thanks.

  23. I cant count how many times I called my friends or father in an attempt to cry for help or advice! I remember not understanding how I was stuck in such a negative relationship! I did not understand where it escalated from and how it got to a certain point...

    Being 10 minutes late because I stopped for coffee suddenly ended the world...

    Leaving the toilet seat up created a tsunami in some remote country...

    etc al you name it. Anything set her off and what was a talk turned into a fight over time replicating in frequency.

    She was satan in stilettos... everyone has their one satan