Sex and Love 100

Musings on the most basic life skill . . .

Monday, November 21, 2011

What is your love style?

What’s your love style?  While we have mapped the brain and found evidence of passion on our minds we’ve also found powerful neurochemicals that allow us to enjoy those warm and fuzzy moments with one another.  Driven by Oxytocin in women and vasopressin in men these connections ignite the moment we are born and comforted by our caregivers.  Yes, this time you can blame it all on your parents. Attachment is hallmarked by our ability to form trusting bonds and realistic expectations of those in our love circle.  Test yourself -   

1. (S) I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me____
2.  (S) I don't often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me___
3. (Av) I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others ___
4. (Av) I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them ____
5.  (Av) I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, love partners want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being____
6.  (AA) I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like ____
7. (AA) I often worry that my partner doesn't really love me or won't want to stay with me ____
8.  (AA) I want to be very close with another person, and this desire sometimes scares people away____
                  Strongly Disagree  1     2     3    4    5    6    7   Strongly Agree  
From Hazan and Shaver 1987 Revised Attachment Scale

S- Secure- You are comfortable with others and in sharing your needs or meeting theirs. Trust is not an overwhelming issue.
Av- Avoidant – You are not comfortable with getting close to others or being dependent.             Maybe you fear being let down. Trust might be an issue.  Lighten up a bit and share more.
AA- Anxious /Ambivalent- You need to be loved and completely merge with your love object.  You have your own personality! Love is delightful but ease up a bit, you don’t want to scare them away.

Sometimes our previous experiences color our view- that snake you dated that proved untrustworthy, that idiot who refused to share their love or the taker who wrung you out…They might have veered us off the course.  Love should not hurt!  Love (good love) requires trust, a decent amount of intimacy (this means closeness not sex) and reciprocation!  


  1. My score is; S-Secure:13, Av-Avoidant:7, AA-Anxious/Ambivalent:10. I think I love to be with someone. I love people. S score was the highest, which I think that was correct. I am a little bit worried about my AA score. Does it relate to my childhood circumstance that I was not brought up by my parents?
    I agree with you! Love is not hurtful although it is not always easy.

  2. Here it is- when you are younger feelings that you may not be up to 'par' are stronger. Don't worry !

  3. My score is: S-13
    I guess I just trust more and enjoy being around others. I am aware I am very personable and people usually warm up to me pretty quickly. I've moved around a lot as a child, so maybe that triggers the fact that I'm not worried about being abandoned. There will always be someone else around the corner to make friends with or at least socialize with.

  4. My scores are: S-7
    Trust is definitely an issue with me but I believe everyone deserves an opportunity. Also, I have a lot of fear in getting hurt. It's happened to me before and it's not a great feeling. To say that love should not hurt is true, especially at a young age.

  5. My Score:

    I think trust is one of my issues. I find it hard to really trust anyone nowadays because literally with almost everything I've told someone, they always tell somebody else.

  6. My score:

    Trust is definitely an issue for me. My past relationship had rough areas throughout our three years, but yet I still keep going back, and I don't exactly know why.

  7. My score:

    I have trust issues because of men not only from my relationship past but from the males in my family and friends, i just dont want to get my heart broken or to be lied to.

  8. I got a:

    AV- 14
    AA- 6

    I dont know if i have trust issues or anything but i had experiences where freinds have betrayed my trust and it hurts. In relationships i am not confident in letting her in. i havent experienced long term love there is mostly highs and lows in the relationship and i dont like to say "i love you" its seems like those words can hurt more than it helps. Telling someone you love them then finding out you dont and that person still loves you. that can relly hurt the person.

  9. I've been with my bf about a year but with alot of history behind us, and i think in the begining i was so much more worried about him leaving, and now that we have a better relationship ive learned to be secure about it

  10. I found this test to be very interesting. I scored in the range of being avoidant, something i had already suspected. I try to think back to where along the way of life i learned this behavior and can come up with a couple thoughts. Surely i was not born this way,and getting rid of thees feelings is very hard considering i have been operating under this insecurity for so long.I guess the good thing is that i recognize it that's the easy part, now learning to overcome these feeling is a whole other story.

  11. I scored an 11 for Secure, an 8 for avoidant and a seven for anxious/ambivalent. Trust used to be an issue for me in past relationships and to some degree it still is, but not as much. As I grow older, I understand that not every guy is the same and just because my ex-boyfriend cheated, does not mean my current boyfriend will. I do not feel that trust is not an automatic thing, I think you have to gain trust to have trust.

  12. Katherine Smith said exactly what I wanted to say on this post. I scored very high in the avoidant category and low in the rest. I know I wasn't born this way but I do know how I got this way. From a young age I have seen many good people get screwed over and have there lives ruined (both financially and emotionally) by con artists, thieves, cheats, lairs, and gold diggers. While I have faith that there are good people still left on this world I cant bring my self to trust someone right away for fear if I open up they will just hurt me or they are just trying to get something out of me.

  13. I seem to have issues in the avoidant category. I hate asking other people (even my good friends and family) for help with anything. I'm not sure why, but I suspect that it stems from observing my mother when I was young. She was a navy wife and thus alone for at least six months out of every year (my father was on nuclear submarines) with two children. She was so strong and did everything herself (even changed the oil in the car). I think I try to emulate her and be "superwoman." This does become trying at times (my husband travels a great deal as well) and I wish it was easier for me to ask others for help.

  14. My highest score was in the secure portion, which I think is accurate, but I also think it took me a long time and a lot of hurt to get here.