What’s your love style? While we have mapped the brain and found evidence of passion on our minds we’ve also found powerful neurochemicals that allow us to enjoy those warm and fuzzy moments with one another. Driven by Oxytocin in women and vasopressin in men these connections ignite the moment we are born and comforted by our caregivers. Yes, this time you can blame it all on your parents. Attachment is hallmarked by our ability to form trusting bonds and realistic expectations of those in our love circle. Test yourself -
1. (S) I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me____
2. (S) I don't often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me___
3. (Av) I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others ___
4. (Av) I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them ____
5. (Av) I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, love partners want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being____
6. (AA) I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like ____
7. (AA) I often worry that my partner doesn't really love me or won't want to stay with me ____
8. (AA) I want to be very close with another person, and this desire sometimes scares people away____
Strongly Disagree 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 Strongly Agree
From Hazan and Shaver 1987 Revised Attachment Scale
S- Secure- You are comfortable with others and in sharing your needs or meeting theirs. Trust is not an overwhelming issue.
Av- Avoidant – You are not comfortable with getting close to others or being dependent. Maybe you fear being let down. Trust might be an issue. Lighten up a bit and share more.
AA- Anxious /Ambivalent- You need to be loved and completely merge with your love object. You have your own personality! Love is delightful but ease up a bit, you don’t want to scare them away.
Sometimes our previous experiences color our view- that snake you dated that proved untrustworthy, that idiot who refused to share their love or the taker who wrung you out…They might have veered us off the course. Love should not hurt! Love (good love) requires trust, a decent amount of intimacy (this means closeness not sex) and reciprocation!