Sex and Love 100

Musings on the most basic life skill . . .

Monday, November 28, 2011

Girl talk - Finding Mr. Right in the On-Line Dating world

     Girlfriend calls.  My home number has become 1-800 advice.  I welcome it.  First it reminds me how fortunate I am to not be in the market place.  Second, it’s fodder for writing.  Third, I love my Gf circle.  Everyone has strengths and weaknesses; I know I’m disorganized, very ADD, way too socially inclined, trusting…but I do know relationships. I got that right. 
Gf Gail says “I call you not only because you know so much, but you got it right. My last therapist had three bad divorces in the background and actually wanted me to visit match .com with her!”
Yes, I got the relationship thing right. 
Ask Girlfriend Melinda who is on the add lines to send me any ads that are funny.  This is no joke- here it is.
     middle age man with a professional job. like sports working out in the gym. Watching tv and movies. Playing golf. staying home. planning a garden. Why interesting clude the stock market. I grew up in a small town my mother being the only parent. was father dies in 6 years old lake sports and eating through high school. Became a civil servant My job is still ongoing My job includes working with the public in the correction system. I have no siblings. I have a secondary job working with chemically dependent people Wish I enjoy for last 15 years. I like animals dogs and cats I like a clean house. I do not cook. but I enjoy people who do cook I would like to learn how to cook

     Mr. Professional can you spell? Oops! I forgot you are a civil servant and spelling or grammar for your job is not a requirement.  Here is the first impression, you will be staying at home in front of the TV while he golfs and watches his stocks then he asks you to till the garden and clean the house- remember he likes animals which need to be cleaned up after.  Remember he ate his way through high school so food is an important theme for this guy.  He doesn't cook but enjoys those who do....WOW!  What a life! But at least his job is still ongoing.  Gf  Gail tops it - This one is just too strange…

     Fit and sexy fifty something desires fit and sexy thirty something for long walks in the woods.  I like the simple life, no complications, drama, and no demands.  If you would like to snuggle in my sleeping bad give me a shout out. 
    
     Translation: perverted old man (broke) likes younger chicks who want nothing more than sharing his moldy sleeping bag because he can’t take you anywhere, he’s unemployed, homeless, married or attached and doesn’t want to hear about you kids, job concerns or your life.     
     The picture (which I can’t show you) is of a shirtless older guy flexing his muscles in front of the bathroom mirror.  In his left hand he holds his cell phone.  A little to the right of his torso is a collection of women’s perfumes, hair spray and a few hair curlers!!!! 

     The best one yet was the picture of my Gf’ Gail's ex in front of the house that was in foreclosure.  He raved about it and the three wonderful daughters he raised.  He didn’t tell his audience that they drove my poor Gf crazy; one robbed her of all her jewelry, the second was a stripper and had a drug problem and the third moved into their home with her unemployed boyfriend where they smoked all day and after having the munchies turned her kitchen upside down.  He described himself as divorced- they had not even legally separated.  He described himself as a successful contractor but what he did not tell his audience was he’d been sued numerous times for shoddy work and fired form so many jobs my Gf lost track.  But his picture was good- he remembered to put in his false teeth which he refused to wear after they got married. 
     Researchers have not ignored ads.  haselton and Buss (2000) suggest that the sexes tend to deceptively promise what they cognitively know the other sex is looking for.  Men exaggerate status and willingness to commit and women exaggerate how willing they will be to enter a short term relationship and minimize their commitment needs.  This trait has been characterized as 'cross-sex mind reading ( De Backer, Braeckman and Farinpuor, 2007; Mating Intelligence in Person Ads).  There has to be some initial attraction- the picture either makes it or breaks it.  According to the authors who analyzed hundreds of ads the following trends emerged:
     Women want an older, wealthy, reliable handsome intelligent, tall man with a good sense of humor.   Men more than women use qualifiers that they expect a partner such as attractive, slim, fit, and delineate the age criteria, desiring a younger partner.  Women appear to mention in their ads, in the beginning their attractiveness indicators; age and body type where men offer of status cues; wealth or ambition cures.  Why is this important? 
     Science has put logic into the framework of love.  According to Sexual Strategy Theory men and women have a conflict in mating.  She has more costs associated with a simple hookup but he has everything to gain.  He, on the other hand has a cost in hooking up; he has to settle down and provide for a female and her young.  According to this theory love is a sort of cogntive glue that overrides our logic - like temporary insanity!  So when we choose partners that little bit of sense we have guides us in choosing mates who will ultimately benefit us; she will need someone who can provide and he will need someone who can make his children - she looks for status and he looks for attractive women who signal health and fertility.  OK- I know what you are thinking...This does not seem fair.  But the theory rests on hundreds if not thousands of pieces of evidence. If you are interested in more reading

Haselton, M. G., Buss, D. M, Oubaid, V. & Angleitner, A. (2005). Sex, Lies, and Strategic Interference: The Psychology of Deception Between the Sexes. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 31, 3-23.


 In two weeks when my students opt out of this site I’ll offend you with some literal translations …
       
Send me any ads for interpretation!  I’m not going to let women off the hook- I’ve got a file full of strange ads…. Dr. Dawn M. Hopper 
 

25 comments:

  1. This is hilarious! And proves why online dating is a joke... and a bit scary. Anyone can make an account and pretend to be someone they aren’t and then rape kill etc. the other person. What happened to just confronting someone at work or in the park and saying "Hi I'm Joe (insert some cheesy pick up line) want to go out for lunch or grab a drink? More people are meeting people on Facebook and match.com than anywhere else and I think it’s disgusting.

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  2. When I was in highschool my father passed away. My father was my mothers best friend, and I believed that my mother was going to be depressed forever. After a couple years her sisters tried to steer her towards dating. One of her friends had been online dating and made a profile on some stupid website where you can leave voicemails for whoever's profile your interested in. Her friend passed along a guy she thought would be great for my mom - so wrong. This guy was sleezy, decieving and used the stupidest pick-up line on my 45 year old mother. He asked her if she was more of a mustang or a mini-van..yeah because thats going to get him somewhere. My mother told him she was a mustang he couldn't afford and that was that. The creep is probably still online dating and comparing woman to cars.

    As much as I do believe online dating is a joke, I have witnessed successful relationships that began over the internet. This past summer my old roommate met her boyfriend on match.com. Their adorable together, and are now living together in CT.

    Maybe its the truth behind the add, some people do really want to find love...but is it possible to do so online?

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  3. I personally would never do the whole web dating thing. I do however know 2 people very close to me that did. My cousin being one of them who met her now husband on myspace.com they have been together now for like 4 years and my best friend is going on her second year of marriage but has been with her husband for like 5 years and both couples are very happy. I on the other hand could not do it I am a shy kinda person and feel uncomfortable meeting new people so it is just not for me.

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  4. As soon as somebody sent me a message like that I'd immediately stop talking to them without question. First of all I've heard online dating is just a joke anyway, but that guy just proved it even more. Getting to know somebody over the internet seems kind of pathetic especially since they're probably rushing into things instead of letting things run their course.

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  5. Everyone at some point or another pretended to be someone else. When meeting someone for the first time we always want to impress so we dress nice talk better then we normally talk and point out the best qualities we think we have. Like when your at home and you are getting screamed at by your mother and then the phone ring and her tone of voice changes as soon as the talk button is pressed.Online dating is the same way. You want to impress. Although it is much easier to pretend to be someone else. i believe that if it seems to good to be true then it probably isnt. Online dating will never be a safe place to find a good match just be cause of all the creeps you will find. I know its not right to judge but if they have to go online to find a date then there probably is something wrong.

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  6. I dont understand how people think they can find love on the internet on these kind of websites. 3spec3aly wen the persin haz the litrac of a 7 year old. Anyone can post as anybody on the internet. Right now I could post as a 40 year old milf who's looking to have a good time. I say get off of your laptop, and go out to meet people, you will less likely have a one night stand with a 56 year old pervert.

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  7. Omg this just has to be the funniest thing i ever read. Yeah online dating is not a good thing to do you just proved me right theres nothing but old creepers online.never in a million years will i online date but im not knocking anyone who does or will try it

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  8. Online dating is the worst thing ever created. It's filled with old men with saggy balls that trick women into thinking they're fit and "young again". There should be an age limit on online dating sites, or better yet take them all down!

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  9. Online dating really can be such a joke,its sad when people go on there really honestly looking for someone and they get ads like that!

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  10. Ehehehe~ All of these sites that have online dating are usual full of lies. I cannot say that when you meet someone online that the relationship is bad just because they are online. If anything get to know the person beyond the profile. Meet them before you get intimate. I have been in online relationships before, but they haven't been as bad as most would think.
    I'm in one right now as well. We have met before, but we keep our relationship using the internet, so finding love online isn't just some fantasy. Sometimes it can be real as long as you think before you 'sleep.'

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  11. Hahaha, this is too funny! I don't believe in online dating, mostly because people lie. I think that online dating only works for two people out of every two thousand people. Would I ever try online dating? No. But for the people who do try it, good luck!

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  12. Having a demanding, time-consuming career can make dating problematic. What little personal time I had was used for family obligations. After years of persistent friends and family pushing me to get out there, a colleague and 3 friends who'd met their significant others online, helped me set up accounts with match.com and eharmony. Talk about a difference! Match.com was anything you wanted to put out there. eharmony involved a multifaceted personality survey that assessed the same trait via different questions and took time to complete. The match.com gave me some good laughs, especially some of the descriptions! eharmony only sent select links, supposedly based off of the compatibility of the two profiles. I found a smaller selection but had better conversations with these individuals. I did note that many were from more remote/rural regions of the US. The distance from urban areas could be why a higher proportion came from the mid-west/southwest states.
    Though unsuccessful for me, I do realize the potential for finding a mate on the internet. Like anything, it takes time, effort, and discrimination to be successful.

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  13. I cant believe how big online dating has become. In my opinion theses sites do more harm than good, sure one person out of a thousand may find true love but for the rest it is a one night stand. I cant believe people will willing hook up with a stranger over the internet of all things. I know everyone has at one point or another dealt with the trolls, scammers, and psychos online so why in Gods name would you want to meet them in real life.

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  14. Call me twisted but i find things like that funny, the things that peple do and say for attention its almost like a movie but it is just a testiment to how people percive love to be aquiered.

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  15. You can say what you want about on-line dating...but until you're a divorced mother of three with no time to go out and meet people, don't judge. This is how my sister-in-law found her second husband and they are still happy after ten years. I too looked down on this as a way of meeting people, but I guess circumstances play a part in how dating fits into your life. If you think about it, no matter how you meet someone, most people put up some false pretenses in the beginning of relationships.

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  16. I will never go on a website to look for love or a relationship for those reasons. I feel like you can make up anything on-line to make yourself seem more attractive. Not every one will lie about themselves, but most will. i honestly beiev if you have to find love on a web site then something have to be wrong with you. If you are all the good things you post then it should not be a problem to find someone.

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  17. Two years ago my dad met his girlfriend off a website and they love eachother so much. Before he met his girlfriend now, he tried a couple others from the site and he found them wierd and did not want to see them again. when he went on this website he was very desprite because his old girlfriend broke up with him from a text and he was very sad. i'm glad he has found love again and that he is happy now.

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  18. I think you really have to be careful with online dating. People can be whoever they choose to be and this can be scary. I know people who meet people then find out they are using them for money but then there are those that are sincere. It's not an easy thing finding a real person when you meet them out let alone on a online dating site.

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  19. I personally believe that online dating can be unsafe and scary due to people being able to disguise their true identity. If someone like the creeper with the sleeping bag ever said something to me like that I would totally never believe in online dating, but I have a wonderful experience with meeting my boyfriend online! We have been together for many years and we see each other every couple months and the first time we met it wasn't scary at all because we talked on skype before. I do believe though that you really need to be cautious because I was very scared at first, but i never divulged anything personal and we both proved to each other we were legit who we said we were before meeting.

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  20. Okay... so here's the trouble with online dating. People jump in too fast. They want their relationships to work out as quickly as their fast food and it is close to impossible to do that with love. True love is hard work. Probably one of the hardest and emotionally distructive things that one ever does. It can be like a disease. One minute your hot and sweaty and the next you are cold and clammy (and yes guys, that goes for you too). A heart that is in love feels so radiant that it masks all the bad in your world; but, a broken heart feels like rotten food in your gut that is making its way out through your esophagus and intestines at the same time.
    It is difficult enough to fall out of love with someone you met from your local community, but add a long distance romance or move to the mix and you have disaster. MY take on online dating is this, "Don't do it!" Make the effort to go out of your house and find someone to share your time with.

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  21. I personally would never have the desire to start a relationship through the use of online dating. I prefer the more traditional way of meeting someone in person either at a restaurant or through a friend of a friend of a friend. The traditional way of dating has its benefits for sure! Not only will you immediately be able to decide if you are physically attracted to a person, but through some conversation you will quickly be able to gauge if this person is compatable. On the other hand, online dating can be a gamble. Someone can post what they think people want to hear, which in fact could be far from the thruth! Or, as explained in the post above, people can leave out "small details" which if ever disclosed could be the dealbreaker. In addition, people can easily describe their best physical attributes, but come face to face, you may discover that the image that you had in your mind is far from the image that is standing in front of you.

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  22. I find the entire personal ad's in Craigslist to be the funniest thing I have ever read. I could sit there with my friends and just laugh at them. I am not trash talking online-dating sites like eharmony.com and match.com. My father’s best friend did one and he's been happily dating for over a year, so I do believe in online-dating, But the personal ad's in Craigslist seem little (actually very) desperate. The stuff that is posted I couldn’t believe my eyes, I mean are we serious? "Looking for a good time" some post read. It just seems desperate and somewhat trashy

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  23. This blog had me laughing for a few minutes. I do not think online dating really works, but to some it does. I dont know how you could really know if the person you are communicating with over the internet is really who they say they are. They could say they're some 20 year old with a picture of a male model and really be a 65 year old guy that has nothing better to do with his life then try to get some.

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  24. Honestly who the hell is going to find love on the internet?They have christian dating,senior dating and sex hook ups.The guy is making himself out to be this Rhett Butler type and he's really three hundred pounds lives with his mother and has carpel tunnel syndrome from all the porn he watches.What happened to having the courage to going up to another person and getting to know them and produce to them your intentions,if they laugh in your face then oh well on to the next.

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  25. You can tell a lot about a person by just how they write their ad. If someone doesn’t put any effort into it, you can tell they are unmotivated. Like the one guy that likes long walks in the woods. Sure he’s probably a complete pervert, but he’s also lazy because he wrote three sentences about himself. If I was writing an article about myself, I would describe honestly, what I was looking for.
    Another thing you have to worry about on these dating sites is people lying about their age or situation. Someone could say that they are in show business but really they just shovel elephant crap. (She’s out of my League reference) People must be very careful when trying to date online.

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