Sex and Love 100

Musings on the most basic life skill . . .

Sunday, November 20, 2011

The Costs of Hooking up-

     Imagine that an attractive person of the opposite sex walks up to you on a college campus and says “Hi, I’ve been noticing you around town lately and I find you very attractive. Would you go to bed with me? How would you respond?  (Buss 1994)
     This was an actual experiment. If you are a female you would immediately become shocked and say no.  Your brain may take it as a threat of possible assault and you may become alarmed.  If you are male you might be one of the 75% who are quite flattered and would say yes.
     Now let’s play with this a little more.  
     Imagine that an attractive person of the opposite sex walks up to you on a college campus and says “Hi, I’ve been noticing you around town lately and I find you very attractive. I am looking for a serious relationship and how would you like to go out with me?  How would you respond?

     If you are a female you will feel rather complimented.  You may even take him up on the offer.  Women want commitment more than men.  But if you male you might initially find this quite alarming.  Men have a term for this- desperate!  ‘Serious relationship’ implies commitment and we all think we know what that means to men. 
     For men and women there are different costs in sex.  Take your mind out of the present time period where birth control, women’s rights and the ability to support our young is a reality.  You evolved in a world where pregnancy or birth could be a death sentence. Our ancestral grandmothers face a dilemma. Unlike men they could become pregnant, could die in the process, be abandoned  and would have to care for a child.  The study of psychology and evolution has illuminated the different behaviors of men and women when it comes to our hooking up.  We have differing sexual strategies and according to Sexual Strategies theory (SST) women have evolved to be more cautious about having sex.  Your ancestral grandmother didn’t drop her hide for just anyone. She needed to choose a mate wisely.  You carry that very same DNA, and have the ability to hold off sexual activity or rock his world.  Your sex drive is lower and you can apply the brakes.
     According to SST the bottom line is that it is not advantageous for males to simply have one partner.  After all they have the possibility with one ejaculation of fertilizing a large town.  For human males the costs to having a ‘hump and jump’, hook up, casual encounter or one night stand are virtually zilch (that is according to evolutionary science) or at the very least  minimal.  His rewards are great. He can within a few minutes have a nice orgasm, which for us might be less of a perfect probability, deposit millions of his mini me’s and walk away or find another female.  He can have as much sex and spread his DNA far a wide if he chooses not to invest his time with the female.  Then he can go and brag about it, be congratulated, envied or held in high esteem by his pack. The amount of books on the market today dealing with commitment and men is staggering.  He has everything to lose.
     He is, in this view a philanderer at heart.  I don’t believe this but that will have to wait.  Women on the other hand are on the losing end of having casual sex.  What does she get? An orgasm?  Envy?  Accolades?  She gets some sex guilt, often rather terrible sex and a reputation.   The pays offs for the sexes is quite different.   
Now- I don't buy this very popular theory.  I've presented it to you because it is the most accepted verson out there.  I've interpreted this theory very differently.  It's taken me 300 pages! I believe men are wired via thier highly sexual nature to attach or bond with certain women- those they can trust who will not leave or abandon them. Commitment is difficult because they fear being hurt or abandoned by women.  Easy women signal this. Men don't look for wives in strip clubs.   After men hump and jump they often degrade the woman or think less of her.   Their brains aren't oozing oxytocin or the comfort and cuddle drug.  When men love or feel the beginnings of attachment they take their vivid sexual minds and fantasize about that special woman.  In other words they are sort of classically conditioned. 

For more information:
Buss, D.M (1989). Sex differences in human mate preferences: Evolutionary hypotheses testing 37 cultures. Behavioral and Brain Sciences, 12, 1-49.

Buss, D.M (2003) The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human mating (Revised Edition). New York: free press.

http://homepage.psy.utexas.edu/homepage/group/busslab/pdffiles/SexDifferencesinHuman.PDF

22 comments:

  1. I feel a lot better after reading this. I have a couple friends from high school who were always trying to get me to just hook up with some random guy. Occasionally they still try. Sometimes they hook up with guys they barely know and then I get to hear about it. They get upset that the guy doesn't really talk to them anymore or that the guy will avoid them. Yet, they still do this kind of thing.
    I always sort of thought in high school that it was something I should consider doing because I didn't have a boyfriend and once graduation rolled around I wouldn't have to ever deal with these people again so what could it hurt. Of course my best friend and his boyfriend convinced me that it was definitely not in my best interest for a lot of different reasons. I know I would regret it if I hooked up then or now and I'm really glad I had them to talk me out of it. I do sometimes feel like I'm the only one not hooking up though, but feeling left out is better than regret and I've still got all of my gay friends to hang out with.

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  2. I am honestly a great example of this. The guy I lost my virginity to, only wanted me when he wanted sex. Guys can't control their hormones, nor want to. They feel like it's easier to just "hump and dump", because their ego doesn't get damaged. Sometimes, I wish i could go back and kick him, but he made me who I am today; smart.

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  3. When I was younger I believed sexual attention from a guy was because of love. In time or age or experience I have come to realize that sex for young men is simply that; sex.

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  4. After reading this individual blog, I look back on myself during high school. It's very true that guys brag about who they slept with, had sex with, made out with, ect. I personally was in that same bandwagon when I was younger and looking back on it, it was ridiculous. Everytime when I hook up with a random girl, it was just another night and no love attraction going on. The very next day all the guys would get together to talk about it and how we had got a little something last night. This was just an ordinary day for us. When I finally met the girl of my dreams, I didn't brag about what I did to her last night or talk about anything personal about my partner. At the time I didn't have a clue why I didn't brag about it to all of my friends. When it came down to a random chick, I would talk about it all day longand how much game I always thought I had. I always wonder, what if the role's were to be reverse. Would guys have less sex than women? Or would it just be the same.

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  5. As a guy I found this article very intresting. Men do have the sterotype to "hump and dump" but this is not true of all men. A guy does not just ask to have sex and get what he wants. I believe the expression "it takes two to tango" applies to this blog.

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  6. I grew up with married parents so I was never around seperated parents dating or anything so I only knew that a relationship was "normal." I became involved in a relationship very young and I've been with that same person ever since. So to me, sleeping around was never an option. Since I didn't grow up with the mentality of sleeping around is ok, I find "hooking up" to be gross and disgusting. There are so many downfalls to sleeping around, like the chances of catching an STD or becoming pregnant. I'm the kind of girl that feels a committed relationship is the best way to go when it comes to connecting with the oppostie sex.

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  7. This blog was very interesting! I have also had many friends that have hooked up with several people and like kitty said, many of my friends as well tell me about their "hook ups" and the issues that come along with it. Im different from alot of people my age right now. Im 22 and ive been married for 2 years. I was married before i could legally drink.. and with this came alot of questions from people. Many people were like you can only have sex with your husband..your too young and blah blah blah. I am very very happy with the decision i made. I do not have the mindset to deal with issues of hooking up. Even still to this day people that find out that im married look at me like im nuts because im "tied down". When you look at the situation hooking up with random people and a lot of people leads to more problems in many peoples lives than anything else. Love isnt in numbers..

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  8. I think it's sad when girls think "oh maybe if I hook up with him he will call me" and unfortunately a lotttt of girls do that, especially in the high school years. I don't understand random hook ups, I think sex and whatever should be shared between two people who care about one another or at least have some history together..I can't imagine having sex with someone I barely knew. Talk about awkward!

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  9. In, high school, I thought I was going to be the "hook-up" type. My dad was a cheater and dated around a lot and I thought I would suffer the same fate. I will admit, it kind of seemed fun. But as it turned out, I was more of a committed person that I thought (which was a relief). My first real relationship lasted two years. I definitely had an eye and ear for those 'bad boys' and stayed clear of them. No one was about to make a fool out of me! Though many times, I had to console my friends because they had suffered a different fate. Boys at that age are very egotistical. But not all of it is their faults (but sometimes their just assholes). It's the society around us that mold these boys. The movies pretty much say 'get laid as often as possible!'And their peers are no help. They need better role models out there...even for the girls.

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  10. I don't find it safe to go out and have a 'hump and jump' hookup. I go out to parties often and the opportunities are there, however, I choose to stay safe and avoid 'hump and jump' hookups. I would like to get to know someone first before considering a hookup.

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  11. Hook ups . too often do people have just flings but it has be come acceptable for many people. The one thing that girls used to hold dearly has only become a prize that is to be won by guys. GUys and girls all have a "number" and sadly people often lie making it higher or lower depending on who theyh are talking to. The question that i am always wondering is Why would anyone want to be with someone who has a high number.. if theyh are so easily opened are you really willing to expose yourself to all they have

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  12. I agree with danielle. Sex should be shared between two people who care about one another or at least have some history together. Men shouldnt just be going after anything that moves and women shouldnt have sex just to get that guy to call them. Most of the time they will probably only call them to do it again.

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  13. @SarahApisa19
    I am very sorry about what happened to you, truly. But I am going to have to respectfully disagree with your statement that men cannot control their hormones. I am an 18 year old male and am still a virgin, I have not, nor do I have the desire to hook up with any girl. Yes I am still a man and I would love to have sex with girls because what boy wouldn't?! But I would never do that. My guy friends tell me I could get girls easily and to just try it, just do it, they say. But I have morals I say back. I would not be able to live with myself knowing I had sex with some girl I barely knew, or didn't love and end up hurting her.

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  14. I found this very interesting. I think peer pressure has to do with it alot! I my self have been pressured to "hump and jump" with a really screwed up girl so I could just get it in. One thing that I would like to add is not just girls get "clingy". Ive seen a number of times were a guy hooks up with a girl at a party or what ever and the guy is the one that thinks the one night stand meant something.

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  15. When I think of casual "hooking up" I'm so turn off. Mainly because I think of all of the disease out there. I believe its something like 1 in 4 people have an STD. That is a large percentage of the population. Just think of it like this, in a group with you and 3 of your friends, statistically one of you has an STD. Scary!
    It's not just an STD that turns me off. I like to think I have good moral standing and a "Hook up" would make me feel gross. I need a committed relationship.

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  16. I grew up in a religious society that was very strict on their view on premarital sex. I decided when I was a young teenager that I no longer wanted to follow the religion I was raised in and thus had no lessons on sex other than DON'T DO IT. I think that because of this I was very naieve in what I thought my first time would be like. I was new in the school I was going to and I met a boy in one of my classes. After several weeks he asked if I wanted to hang out. Me having no knowledge or even examples to follow, thought that this boy must like me (because I liked him, and wasn't just looking for sex obviously) and even better I thought maybe he wants to be my boyfriend. I'd never had a boyfriend before either and so after hanging out a couple times when he intiated sex I wasn't thinking he just wants to hook up, or he'll have a cool story to tell his buddies about how he scored with a virgin, I was thinking oh he does want to be my boyfriend (because as far as I was concerned that's when you have sex). After that I waited for him to ask me out, or make some sort of move showing that he wanted to get to know me better. That never happened, if he called me, I realize now, he was looking for one thing. Theres not many people I go around telling this experience to, but as it goes with "hooking up" it was not an experience I even wish to remember. The lesson in it was definitely one I needed to learn and also to remember. The lesson though is definitely one I wish I didn't have to learn the hard way. I think it's very important for parents, older siblings or any type of role model to talk to younger ones about sex. About how important it is to be emotionally ready for that type of realationship. What happened to me then did help me in being more cautious in the future, and also having a younger sister I can give her advice. I feel that the best thing that came out of that is me being able to talk to my younger sister and help her avoid some of those painful experiences.

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  17. Me personally, i can't do the whole "hump and dump" thing. emotionally it isnt healthy and sex is suppose to be between two people who believe that their relationship has come to that stage.

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  18. I do agree with this but I also believe that there are a small number of women who think like men in a sense of "hooking up." Last year I had a roomate who thought like a guy. She disgusted me in the ways she would hook up with a different guy every weekend. Me and my other roomate would sit in the kitchen on a Sunday morning and wait to see who was going to come out of her room with a towel around his waist to use the bathroom. Sure the guys would leave and go brag about hooking up with her but she would do the same. She would come out into the kitchen when who ever had stayed with her that night had left and brag about sleeping with him and how she'd probably never talk to him again. Im not sure if she thought we thought it made her cool or something but we were disgusted!

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  19. Being a young adult male i can simply say that when the word hookup comes in mind all we think about is that we are going to have sex with this girl. I came from a childhood that all my friends were always talking about having sex. So thats what i did i went out and did exactally what me and my friends used to talk to about. I was stupid and i regret a lot of the stupid choices i have made, but the thing is that from experience people shouldnt just hookup there should be some feelings involved before actually doing something serious with someone.

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  20. We always expect to have great feelings after sex and sometimes that how it can be for us females, on the other hand guys can take it the complete opposite way and just engage for that moment of satisfaction. All I have to say are the boy's that just toot it and boot it obviously were not taught right by their mother.

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  21. I do agree that men do have the urge to hook up with woman more than most woman do. But, it is both the man and woman's decision to have sex. In fact, in this day and age, there are a lot more woman who throw themselves at men, even more so than most men do, and it's kind of sad to be honest. A lot of women think that that's all they can really offer, which in most cases isn't true. Women are looking for a partner, someone who is pretty much the perfect guy and whether or not they truly believe that is a mystery to me, i feel like some women want so badly to find that special guy and some just want to go and hook up with a bunch of different partners. Don't get me wrong, it can go both ways for men but usually men can have sex with a woman and feel no emotionally attachment, they just see them as an object, unless it's someone they've actually been with for a while that they actually have real feelings for.

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  22. Unfortunately there is a double standard between men and women when it comes to just hooking up. The perfect quote to explain it is, "A key that unlocks every lock is a master key, but a lock that let's in every key is a shitty lock." If a women that is attractive walked up to me and asked to go on a date I would say yes. I envy those who find love and would choose it over hooking up with different girls any day. Until I find love I will continue to be with different girls but I'm not disrespectful in any way and I will never pressure any girl into doing anything. I was raised in a house with my mom and 2 sisters, and my father would be at work until about 6 or 7 every night. I know how to treat a women and know what it means to respect one. Hopefully one day I can treat a women how she should be treated.

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