Regarding my last post-- It took another few mistakes and some time alone for my dear friend to settle down that desperation cue. Unless you are in an exclusive relationship avoid these cues men can easily pick up on. These go for online dating- before you meet. The first vibe a men and women center on is the picture. That's a fact. Neither of you would be in any contact unless you found each other attractive-based on that picture. Now begins that dance, the one of emails, texts or phone chat- before the meeting. It's ass backwards. The meeting can throw it all off. But that's another story. You see, when we get that ping, the email, the message it charges up the reward centers of our cortex like a pin-ball machine. All the "what-if's" rage. Anticipation can lead to desperation. Here are the signs:
· Calling, emailing, or texting way too much, always answering their texts or responses quickly. Your words should equal his minus a few. In other words answer his texts with the same amount of words no more. You should NEVER initiate any texts or communication unless it is to cancel a date. Don't play the "I accidentally texted you." ploy. Men like what they can't have and what is unavailable. I've seen this undermine many women. Men have lay-dar, the ability to sniff out a desperate woman who'll have sex with them- no strings attached. By the way 57% of men have sex on the first date. It better not be you! I swear I'll crawl through the Internet to slap you with the stupid stick.
· Speaking about texts, or phone calls, limit them to a time length-as in a few weeks. . Catfishing and pretext relationships are accomplished through hooking the other person and leading them on. It's also a method that is left for losers- what I mean by that is once someone is wooing their first choice, they like to keep other fish hanging on their lines. A back up plan. My cousin THE DON of DATING does this. He racks them up like beer in the cooler. Don't be the back-up. Refuse the role. You need to meet as soon as possible. Meeting changes the dynamic- dramatically. Give it no more than two weeks. "What?" you are saying. Yes- two weeks. If he can't meet you face to face you simply ask when he will be available and suggest that he contact you then. If you are afraid you'll lose him by having a boundary, question your desperation. By the way there are a hundred reasons why you should not enter a pretext relationhip. That's another blog.
· When he calls you don't answer so quickly.
· Unless you have met do not sit on the phone for a long period of time. Your mind will tend to weave itself a fantasy that might not be as good as the real thing.
· Never ever allow any sexual conversation to occur. That will get the stupid stick too. You can make money for doing that shit- tell him to go go call 1800jerkoff. Hang up if he begins any sex dialogue. By the way here's the line (from THE DON)...So what are you doing now? He'll ask this at night when you're laying in bed. "I'm sitting next to my brother, the cop, watching TV. Don't fall for the "What are you wearing?" either.
· Never reveal any personal dilemma's nor allow him to. Catfishing requires that the hook reveal some common dilemma they both face. Anyway, it's not a good sign if he or you complain about facets of your life before you even met.
· Never ever say that you'll cancel plans so you can meet him. "Oh, I have a wedding to go to but I think I'll just cancel that so we can meet!" Are you crazy? Only desperate women will cancel an event to meet a man.
· Desperate women give him every contact bit of information, the home phone, emails, work number. Nix that.
· Do not go over your dating history with him. It's none of his business and if he asks, having never met you, he is a control freak or he's fishing to see what a desperate bottom sucker you are.
· NEVER berate your ex. Women who are still frothing over a past love signal desperate. They are basically saying they need to be preoccupied by a new man.
· Never tell him when your last relationship ended. "Oh, I broke up with my boyfriend last week." You are telling him that you cannot stand to be be alone for seven f---king days. Now that is desperate.
· Keep you tone of voice light and happy. Please don't make sexy talk or cutesy talk.
· Never ever tell a man you feel connected to them unless you have been seeing them for some time. Yes, there are women who begin the phone and texting relationship and actually tell men that they feel a connection. To what? You only have some pictures and some words- incidentally words that are designed to entice you. That's what we do, we put our best foot forward and seldom tell people about the job we just were fired form, our debts. . you get it. You can't connect to someone you don't know- if you think you can, get some help.
· Never discuss the future with a man you have not met! I had a friend who asked a man to consider going on a trip with her, a trip I was going on—and they had never met!
This is important. Many men derive a satisfaction from just the phone connection- and I'm not talking about sex. Instead of having a real relationship they think they can connect to others and form a false belief that they are having dating and having a connection when they twiddle their fingers on a keyboard, or on that other thing, the one between their legs. That might be all they need to be satisfied for a few hours.
In addition I will share with you one other point. For many men the texting allows some comfort with the initial period of 'getting to know someone'. There are great men out there but there are a lot of pussy hounds too. men know that women are ultimately the choosers. In other words you are the gatekeeper of your vagina. The pressure to woo and win is daunting for most men. I tell you to keep is short, friendly and sweet for another reason--don't lead him on. If you met before you construct some crazy fantasy (which happens) the less chance you'll bruise an ego. In the real dating world we first meet and then find common ground. That is the way nature intended. That's why you need to know my rules- they are based on our nature- and science.