Sex and Love 100

Musings on the most basic life skill . . .

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Death of a Partner

Death of a Partner

     I am a great believer in love.  Loving is the single most reliable human behavior that exists on earth. Almost everyone fall in love.  Perhaps this is the framework that I see the world through; people happy and bonded to each other in some wonderful intimate way.  So let me tell you about how mistaken I could be.  Sally and Sherman were married and had a total of 10 children.  The length and fertility of their union prompted me to seek out the secrets of their success.  After Sherman died I wondered how Sally would get on without him, after all they were hardly apart for 55 years.  Two weeks after Sherman was buried Sally, at 75, got on a bus to Florida.  There was not a weekend for the next 7 years that she was home.  Rumor had it that she was simply occupying her time without her true love so we excused her behavior.  One day I saw her struggling with her grocery bag into her front door.  I carried it in for her.  She told me she had been on a trip to a casino with a female friend.  Our conversation went on to Sherman and I asked her how well she was doing. 
      “Honey,  I slaved in that house for 60 years.  You don’t think I cooked his eggs in bacon grease just because he liked it that way do you…?”  Sally chuckled and began putting her things away.  I stood there mortified unable to grasp the words I had heard.
However humor often disguises a kernel of truth.   I wonder how many other women lobbed on the butter, bacon grease and sodium as they hummed away their days.  It’s now over 20 years and she is going strong.
     A joke I once heard as a psychologist went something like this… “when a man loses his wife he stands a great chance of dying in the next year of life… What happens in the next year to a woman who loses her husband?  She goes to Florida!”  
   
  I could hardly manage even a small polite chuckle and was glad no one saw the look on my face which told the truth of how I felt about that joke.  She did not know that twenty something years ago my soul mate and our son died within weeks of each other.  If I owned a gun I might have shot myself.  So when I just learned that my cousin Bob lost his wife and soul mate of over 50 years I was sad.  But more than that-  I’m worried about him.  The odds are not in his favor.  Perhaps I am more aware of this fact since research tells us that men do not fare as well after the death of their spouse or life partners.  Surprise- men enjoy partnering more than women and men gain more in the love arena than do women.  Being in love is just plan better for men!   
     Numerous studies report that marriage is healthy for both men and women but men appear to enjoy a greater advantage  Woman who are not married have a 50% greater mortality rate but unmarried men have a 250% greater mortality rate than married men ( Ross, Mirowsky and Goldstein 1990).  Men in love are healthier and happier.  They are more productive, calmer focused and content.  They earn more.  When she passes they lose the person that takes care of them; the cook, medic, cleaning woman. Of course they may lose a source of dependable sex. The more a person ‘needs’ the relationship the more they feel threatened by loss (Berschied and Fei 1977)
     Scientists have grappled with the reason why and some think that men die at such a high rate  because they no longer have the woman to take care of them, such as cook nutritious meals, nag them to go to doctor’s appointments and without their ‘mommies’ to engage this more healthful lifestyle they simply fall victim to ill health.   When I suggested to my colleague that the high rate of male mortality after being widowed may result from the emotional implications of losing someone so important she looked at me in disbelief. 
     Men far surpass women in the arena of loss.  They die within the first year of widowhood at 10 times the rate of females who also lose their spouse.  My own cousin Howard sadly exemplifies this.  Devoted to his wife Evelyn and ‘forever in love’ was his mantra.  Every week they would visit our home and sit at our kitchen table and banter on with my parents.  I rarely saw them apart.  When Evelyn was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer he remained by her side and nursed her through the remaining years.  Upon her death he went into such a depression that we became immediately concerned.  No amount of advice, companionship or devotion by his daughters could bring him back.  He grew gaunt, refused to eat, and became ill slightly over one year after his beloved Evelyn, despite the constant attention from his two daughters and grandchildren.  
     When men lose a love (or if they are jilted)  they lose the most intimate partner they have had.  Men do not talk to other men the way they talk to women.  Their wives or lovers become their confidants and with them they share their deepest secrets, wants and wishes.  What about women?  Women rely on other women most often and form elaborate networks (Hrdy 1990).    
     "In our marriage education workshops,  I often hear men remark that their wives are their sole source of emotional support and it is often the husbands that express the most gratitude for the support and encouragement of other husbands, and wives, in the group," said psychologist Laura E. Frame, supervisor of the Supporting Healthy Marriage Program at Montefiore Medical Center in New York City (from Business Week June 11, 2010,  Men May Be More Vulnerable to Roller Coaster Ride of Romance By Madonna Behen).
       Numerous studies report that men commit suicide at 4 times the rate as women when rejected by a partner but when an older man loses his wife the chances are very strong he will not survive another eighteen months.  Some simply give up.  Outside of the marriage many men report no true social supports or networks and they relied on their partners for intimacy and companionship (Phillipson 1997).  Not only do they often lack support systems they may deny their feelings (Clanton and Smith 1987).  They report high levels of depression.  An interesting fact is that warm relationships not only contribute to social networking that defends against depression they also increase a powerful neurotransmitter –oxytocin-that gives us that warm and fuzzy feeling.  You know it, the way you feel when you hold your loved ones hand, the cuddling on the couch or the sharing of laughter and memories.  Oxytocin not only gives us that bliss and comfort, it primes us to make more of it.  We make sure we do those little things again and again.  Oxytocin promotes bonds, it strengthens our immune system and also reduces high cortisol levels and may offer protection for the human heart in other ways. 
     Men certainly are able to care for themselves so why would they not be able to do this once their wives are gone?  In fact my cousin Howard was the cook, was the chauffeur to all the doctor’s appointments.  He told me very frankly that he not only lost his love, he lost his best friend.   He was simply put- heartbroken.  He died a little after one year passed. 
     Tonight I will light a candle for those who have lost their soulmates and afterwards I’ll go straight upstairs to David.  No doubt he’s playing his war computer game, which usually drives me crazy, but this time I’ll give him a big hug and a plate of cookies I’ve stowed away for special moments.  He’s often told me he wouldn’t know what to do if anything happened to me and I believe him…. Dr. Dawn M. Hopper

17 comments:

  1. I believe that the woman who was taking trips to florida and going to the casino after loosing her husband never truly loved him to begin with or was not capable of loving.I think that if you are truly in love and your spouse is your best friend for all those years that a part of you will die whether it the man or woman

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  2. I think that its makes since about why men died shortly after there lovers. But I also think that if they have support from someone like there children for example that it could help them get through the hard couple of years after their wife's death. I know that when my grandmother died my family started have large Sunday dinners and became very envoled with my grandfather. He lived about 13 years after her death. They were married over 50 years and he live to be 93.

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  3. How much the couple 'needs' the other emotionally might be a variable. Support from another family memeber is very important!

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  4. I completely agree. To me, the emphasis of why men don’t live longer is because men are less likely to talk about their feelings with others. The stereotypical culture in the United States is that women discuss and want to discuss everything, while men discuss nothing (whether they want would like to or not). In a marriage, it’s completely different. There is a certain deep-seated, two-way street connection that a man doesn’t get out of any other relationship in his life; and whether he likes it or not, as husband and wife, he’s naturally going to vent, growing an inseparable bond with her that he can’t live without. It is completely possible, and it happens quite often, that when you’re in a bad mental state and you just can’t recuperate, your body is more likely to succumb to illness. It’s this which happens once a man’s soul-mate leaves his life.

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  5. After the loss of my dad my mother became very withdrawn she wouldn't eat and only did what was necessary. My little sister was 13 at this time my brothers and I along with their spouses took over all care of both my sister and my mother. My mother was heartbroken even if she did everything for my dad she had lost her best friend the man she planned on spending her old age with (he was only 47). It took her years to get out and do things and to truly smile. Tomorrow my dad has been gone 11 years and there are still those days I look at my mom and can tell exactly what she's thinking...I miss him so much..my heart breaks for my mom every time.

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  6. This was so interesting! The statistics amazed me. It goes hand in hand with the fact that men love more, and while they will open themselves completely to their partner they will not usually open up to their male friends/family to talk about their feelings. I believe that those relationships where a couple has been together 60 years and one passes away and the other soon after their spouse are proof that love exists. My grandmother died and six months later my perfectly healthy grandfather went too. I believe he just couldn’t live without her! They were best friends right through to the very end. After 50+ years of seeing someone everyday and having them there and waking one day and they are gone is a complete shock! Women do tend to have more of a support system. I also believe that women shouldn’t put themselves in a role that makes it seem like their marriage and caring for their spouse is a job or chore. To make it seem like your life starts after your spouse has passed is sad. You could have done all the traveling and fun things with them!!

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  8. I completely agree with this blog! I have witnessed so much related to this ever since my father died. My mother, since 12 years ago, still is dealing with the death of my father and she always will because it has mentally traumatized her she says. She is a very strong woman that I always applaud for everything she endures mentally due to the loss. I do see a comparison between how men and women view a loss of a spouse. My grandfather lost his spouse he was married to for 30 years and he now suffers severe depression and other health complications he never had before she passed. It does seem valid that men have less confidences because men find it harder than women to express there depressing emotions to friends because they are stereotyped to be strong physically and mentally. I feel that the woman who went away to Florida and doing all those things got over the loss way too quickly, but then again every body reacts differently to losses.

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  9. I have often wondered what my sweet William will do when I die. I have heard him say “I could not handle it (it being my demise)” and “I would be lost, maybe kill myself.” Almost thirty years ago now, when we were teenagers, this sort of statement would have made my heart flutter and I would have willingly agreed I would do the same. But now that we are middle-aged and I’m only twelve years shy from the age my mother was when she passed, I do not find this amusing at the least.
    A few years back I sat down and wrote out all the financial tasks that I take care of on a weekly basis and marked them in a bright yellow folder, just in case. I also stopped trying to be so motherly and I even went as far as refraining myself from completing some of my so-called womanly duties such as cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping and eh-hem, a few other things I won’t mention, just in case.
    Basically, I was scared that I would die and he would soon try and follow me. So I started “forcing” him become less dependant on me for his own good. After all, one person in every relationship becomes dependant on the other person more (I did not make this up, I found it is just the way love works). I have learned that there are some things in a long-lasting relationship that aren’t necessarily set in stone, and in order to look beyond a relationship’s complacency it takes “easy” work on the parent of the relationship. The kind that makes you calm down, sit back and let the other person “do it” for a while; like a parent starts to do with a teenager.
    I would tell him that I was “doing nothing” out of my deep love for him and he would roll his eyes at me and say, “Good excuse, Karen.” But in all reality, I really wasn’t being lazy, but trying to make him into a grown man instead of the man-boy I had let him be for so long. Maybe I have now become the little girl that I had lost so many years back also. William no longer says he will kill himself when I die. I have encouraged him to start thinking of the things he’s always wanted to do and if and when I’m dead and gone, to start doing them. Kind of like a “personal” retirement account. I hope he heeds my other warning too. I told him that I will not have anything to do with him in the afterlife if he takes his own life. That I’ll stay mad at him forever (as if, right?).

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  10. I can only imagine that there is a lot more to the story of the woman who went to Florida than meets the eye. It would seem to me that men and women who truly love one another and are happy in their relationship would both have a very difficult time with the loss of their spouse. I do agree that men who do not share their feelings openly with other people would have a harder time losing the only confidant they had but I can’t see why there would be such a discrepancy as the research states. I sometimes think women are the ones who deal with the emotional issues in a family and that may make them more suited to handle the emotional trauma of losing their spouse. I wonder if this could be true. Does one become more capable of handling difficult situations through practice? I know my grandfather lost my grandmother at the young age of 61. He had a horrible first year but shortly thereafter, he met a “lady-friend” who took over the care-giving my grandmother once did. He is still going strong ten years later.

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  11. I find this very interesting because as I read it I realized how true it is. My best friends Mother was diagnosed with cancer in September 2010. She was divorced but had a long time boyfriend who coincidentally lived right across the street from her. In January 2011 Jane passed away and it was hard on everyone, especially her boyfriend. Living across the street wasnt helping him either. He would look across the street and see the empty house that him and Jane spent so much time in, everytime he arrived, left, or even looked out the window of his own house he would have to be reminded of her. Still living today, he hasn't been the same. He just recently moved to Florida to live with his parents because he couldnt bare living in that house anymore, and I cant say that I blame him.

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  12. How hard is it for male or female to remarry after a lose of a loved one?

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  13. Death is not a subject one enjoys thinking about, least of all the death of a loved one. I remember when I was younger after meeting my great uncle that he would probably be one of the oldest men I would ever meet. He had an impressive life and he was a proud man. He had escaped from a concentration camp during World War II, had fled to China and while there he met my great aunt. They fell in love, married, and lived happily. One day, he was the victim of a stroke. He was severely crippled after this and virtually dependent on my great aunt. Being a proud man, he could not stand living in this manner. He could not stand to put as much strain as he was imposing on his wife. And, so, one good day when he was able to walk well enough, he walked up the stairs after breakfast and did not come down. He had jumped out of a window to eliminate himself as a burden on the woman he loved. I know that he believed this was for the best, but I do not believe that my great aunt was ever the same after this.

    Now my grandparents are growing old, both in their late 80's. They still live active lives considering their age. My grandfather, a former engineer, is still up to date on all things technical, taking apart his numerous computers and he even had a Facebook before me. Recently my grandmother has started to become forgetful at a rate alarming to my grandfather. My grandfather now speaks nonchalantly about how they'll both be dead soon enough. They make jokes about when one of them dies, they've accepted it to some degree. With my grandmother's recent forgetfulness, though, it's clear how worried he really is. A conversation with him will often return to the subject of my grandmother, he'll recount a list of every occurrence of her having forgotten something. I only hope that when one of them passes, the other will be able to handle it. At some age, one must accept that death is swiftly approaching, but there is a fine difference between accepting death and in, hopelessness, embracing it.

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  14. In 1998 my grandmother passed away from pancreatic cancer. The worst part being, she died in my grandfathers arms. When she passed they had been together for over 50 years, and had been together since they were 18. My grandfather has never been the same since. He rarely ever leaves the house, only twice a day for a short period of time, one being to attend mass, and two to visit my grandmothers grave. To this day he visits her grave everyday, rain, snow, sunshine, no matter what he is there, he usually brings flowers or in the summertime he reads by her grave, in the winter he'll shovel her spot. His love for her has never died and I know he can't wait to meet back up with the woman he loves.

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  15. The story about the women, who went to Florida after her husband died, is insane! What a morbid sense of humor! I guess I respect her way of dealing with the loss, or lack of. At least she isn't slipping into a debilitating depression? That's how I'd think of it. Learned-optimism.

    I've read about Oxytocin, I saw a TED Talk on it too, and how it's actually linked to empathy, ONE OF MY FAVORITE QUALITIES IN A PERSON.

    From what I understand now, I can't imagine the amount of grief anyone must feel, when they loose the people they love around them. I've worried about that. Everyone must do it eventually... if they grow old.

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  16. Wow pretty powerful stuff and interesting research facts. If I ever lost my wife I feel I would be lost for a set period of time, but I now have 2 daughters that light up my life and I am sure would drive me to stay alive and develop a new life for myself. At an early stage in my marriage my wife and I talked about what would happen if one of us died...I did a lot of traveling and she was always worried about plane crashes, etc. We both agreed that we were ok with the other getting back into the dating scene after a period of time that we saw fit, but would had to continue to be there for the kids no matter what. As a parent who lost a child during birth my heart has been broken once already in my life, after hearing the loss of my son I immediately shifted gears to my wife and if she was ok. We went on to have 2 girls as I have said, but not a day goes by I don't think about my son and the scary events of that day.

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  17. The fact that men die 10 times more often then women after losing their spouse is fascinating. Come to think of it, a lot of the older couples I knew died within a short amount of time after their partner passed. I do believe that men die at such a higher rate because their wives are not there to look after them, but I do think that love has a lot to do with it. Sure breaking up is terrible, but losing your spouse, who you have loved forever, is unbearable. When this happens I think people believe that life is not worth living. That no woman could fill the void that their wife was. I think that men just do not want to continue living without their soul mate.

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