eHarmon-erffic! Some Truths about eHarmony and Why it Works

My girlfriend joined a few weeks ago.  I sat by her side and watched the process.  Because I’ve been asked many times about what I think about dating sites, I thought I’d spare the humor and give you a professional opinion.  No, I’m not being paid to say this.  It works because it is based in some rather sound scientific principles.  For those who do not know, eHarmony begins with a series of questions examining your values, beliefs, emotional health and life skills.  It takes hours and in the end, after paying a fee, you are shown some pictures and given limited information about your matches. You have three stages to follow before you get a chance to contact that person.  You cannot lie, you cannot be married nor can you be separated.  They have a way to check you out but that is another blog.  It works for several reasons. 

First, they force you to spend the entire day filling out questionnaires.  If you were not in touch with your feelings, it’s like having five serious therapy sessions—in the end you know a hell-of-a lot about yourself and what you can with or cannot live without.  As a side note, there are scales of mental fitness- it might be worth the effort and money to weed out some wakadoodles.    

Second, this is a fantastic exercise for anyone, especially men, many of whom have little idea what they really want out side of the best looking woman they can attract.  Men tend to go for the looks first and while women weigh attractiveness they tend to balance it out.    

“I want to go out with this one,” my cousin said to me while he was on Plenty of Fish. 

I looked at her picture, in a bikini, at least 20 years his junior.  

“But she says she will not date smokers and you smoke.”

“I’ll quit,” He tells me. 

Third and related to the second, you are not bombarded by hundreds of people.  My poor cousin could not sift the chafe from the wheat; he was stuck on young skinny women, twenty years his junior, that were into rock concerts—he wears a hearing aid.  The more balanced matches faded into the page.  eHarmony whittles the selection process down as the process reminds you what dating is all about.  It’s the time we get to know someone else—and not just physically.  

Fourth, once you hone in on someone it mimics courting.  You’ve see the face, you’ve read the bio, you have some facts and now you get the chance to tell your philosophy of live,  There are three stages of guided communication before you can email them.  The questions are deep and require thought:  What are five things you cannot live without, or what have you learned from your past relationships, or who has influenced you the most in life and why. These questions reveal a lot about a person. When my girlfriend read that her match could not live without cleanliness, organization, good hygiene and nice teeth, she went on to the next person.  Imagine how long it might have taken her to find out he was such a neat freak?    

Fifth, it requires effort.  Anything worth having is worth waiting for.  It’s called effort justification and the more we work at something the more valuable we think it is.  This principle applies the moment you sit in front of the computer and face hours of questions with a meter telling you how far you are in the process.  There were a few times I got frustrated when my girlfriend was answering the mounds of questions.  “But I’m 60% done,” she exclaimed.  The same idea applies when you’ve spent weeks harmonizing with another person.  Now she’s  going on her first date with the man she’s written to for several weeks. I can almost imagine it; awkwardness is set aside. Already they have discussed literature, their careers,  their relationships and he’s already aware that she isn’t ready for the bedroom.

Sixth, the name says it all—harmony—as in in-sync.  As a student of one of the most brilliant minds in the relationship arena (Dr. Donn Byrne) similarity is one of the most potent foundations of liking.  Opposites don’t attract!  We like people who share our views, it tell us we might be right about things.  It also gives us a feeling of control.  I remember some thirty years back when I went on a blind date.  He hated to read, loved heavy metal, chain restaurants and felt no one should leave the county until they had visited every state of the union.  Then there was his life of camping . . . It was a wash out.

Seventh,  familiarity breeds liking.  We like people we are more familiar with the more you talk, the more feel comfortable.  Have you ever had a person grow on you?  It’s the feeling you get when you realize they suddenly look more attractive.

Eight, it’s the timing thing.  You have to ready to love and to commit and anyone who takes the time to do eHarmony is in that place. 

Ninth, no man who is out for a hump and jump, hook-up, pump and run, or whatever you call it these days is going to pay over two hundred dollars, spend the entire day on the questionnaire, then have to wait another few weeks for some woman to respond to questions that he himself hasn’t written but are supplied by some psycho-computer somewhere.  He’ll be on another site. Your pool is virtually full of likeminded people who want to be in with someone.  Finally the most important one of all.

Tenth, You can openly discuss your sexual comfort level via the questionnaire and more important, that fling is going to take a while.  You’ve got weeks of a program ahead of you.

Despite our sexual freedoms, nothing can ruin a relationship more than hooking-up.  It clouds who they are and sex too soon is the kiss of death in many relationships. If it’s great sex, you might not notice the fact that they drink too much.  If the sex is bad, you might have gotten to know them enough to work on making it good.  And for your information, casual sex is virtually always poor for women.  It takes time to work it out, and when you do, when there is more caring, your partner is more interested in making it work.  The second problem is that once in the sack you can never go back.  Once sex enters the picture everything changes.  At least when you are on the site, your chances of that hook-up are decreased and all the effort put into hunting that person down might translate into a little wait.   

if you’re looking for a meaningful relationship and willing to put in the time, this is the site.  If you’re looking for quick and easy access join another site. 

Go Bleached

We have Ashley Judd screaming about her face, Rosie yelling about her weight and a lot of other celebrities kvetching about their oppression for not being prefect and judged if they even look like they try.  There is just no winning;  you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.   The truth is many of us are sick and tired of thinking that we are too fat, too thin, too flat, too wrinkled, too saggy and just not ENOUGH.   While waiting in line for my groceries at the Piggly Wiggley I admit looking through the Star tabloid to see those undercover pics of cellulite thighs, obvious boob jobs, enlarged primate-looking lips and plastic surgeries gone wrong.   Oh my God, I could have crawled into their dimpled fat pockets on the backs of their legs and shrieked in joy.  Yes I said that and so did many of you.  Why?  because they asked for it,  they created a standard few of us can achieve, at least after our 30's.   I don't have a plastic surgeon on my calling list, do you?   The closest I come to a personal trainer is lugging six heavy grocery bags in from the car in one trip and my husband and kids yelling to me, "is dinner ready yet?"

Women are angry.  Every f----ing day we have to be compared to  watermelon sized asses and cantaloupe titties- all on a size 2.   I thought that was bad, but now we are totally, and I mean totally reduced to crap.  Because all of us, celebrities included, has to worry about upgrading their vage, as in vagina.  Yes, that sacred vessel, crimped between our thighs, few of us have ever bothered to explore, except perhaps with a mirror and a shaver, before a date, needs to be mangled some more- it needs to be bleached!  

Time Magazine and the Breast Advice for Mothers

     In case you have not gone to a news stand this week, Time ran a cover of a three year old breastfeeding and people are FREAKING.  In a nation saturated with porn, where clitoral vibrators and penis pumps are sold across the airways like TV dinners and where the flip of a channel tells the story about a man with a twenty-something inch penis (who cares), adults who dress up as animals while they screw, Sister Wives who take turns with little Napoleon or a three year old in a thong gyrating her ass in a pageant- we have to get up set because a woman might be doing something with her mammary gland- that it was meant to do.  It's hit a raw nerve in me for several reasons.  You are not wrong if cannot breastfeed that baby!  It does not devalue who you are, nor does your choice to breastfeed deserve criticism- as women, we need to support one another.

I Vote for Love

     “At a certain point, I’ve just concluded that for me personally it is important for me to go ahead and affirm that I think same-sex couples should be able to get married,” President Obama told ABC News. If I ever told my community college class that I thought gay marriage should be legalized I could have been fired. Opinions are not allowed at the institution and to invoke any critical thinking would be an atrocity. But today our President said it for me. The backlash is yet to come and I am sure gay-a-phobes (mostly religious fanatics) are mounting their sexual offences. I can't wait.
     If there is one thing I 've learned from homophobes it's this: the more anger, the more fear, the more offensive they are the more apt they have homosexual tendencies.  That's the way it is in the world of psychological defense mechanisms.  One of the most famous was Republican Larry Craig a conservative politician who had a record of "family value" endorsement and anti-gay legislation.  He was caught in a restroom sting soliciting sex from a male undercover decoy.  Of course he wasn't gay, he was just picking tissue off the floor and happened to fondle the shoe of the guy in the next stall.  Doesn't every well trained upstanding man clean the public restroom?  We can't forget the Jimmy Swaggerts of our past, the righteous fanatics who keep mistresses, visit their local prostitutes and in his case, get caught jerking off with his local hooker, or taking nude pictures- we still don't know what happened.  He claimed he never actually had intercourse if that means anything to his wife- after all what's really wrong with a pearl necklace. Of course it's between him and God. But to me it's crazy. 
     In a world filled with crazy hatreds, fetid sex scandals, I wonder why we can't  just vote for love- simple love and caring between two people? 

Oh no! It’s Grandma and Grandpa Gone Wild!

I wrote this blog half a year ago.  Now I want to capture my generations attention. 

               There are two words that we don’t like to hear in one sentence— “grandparents” and “sex.”  I remember quite clearly when my grandmother and I watched an episode of Dr. Ruth and she told me she wished someone had told her about orgasms. I was mortified, by both the fact that she had no clue and that the word came out of her mouth—with a Yiddish accent, too.    
            Well, it’s not your grandparents’ world anymore.  The University of Chicago's National Social Life, Health and Aging Project (NSHAP), presented in the New England Journal of Medicine, tells a different story about grandma and grandpa; they are sexually active, engaging in intercourse, oral sex and masturbation—well into their 70s and 80s. The boomer generation is having record sex; enjoying sex as much or more than when they were younger, and to prove it they are acquiring sexually transmitted diseases in record numbers.

          Sex may decline only slightly between ages 50 to 70 and those between 70 to 85 seem to be affected only by health problems or the availability of a partner, not desire. Boomers and seniors biggest complaint about sex is that they lack information; about sexually transmitted diseases, performance issues such as erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness or lubrication.  

“I have no one to ask about these things,” said Marion S. at the Boomer Health Fair in Albany, New York.  “My doctor rushes me out and other than the internet I suppose I’m alone on this.”

            Marion is not alone.  According to the NSHAP study, nearly one in seven men or 14% interviewed, reported taking medication to improve sexual function, and 38% reported they discussed sex with their doctor.  Much fewer women, 22%, reported discussing sex with a physician after age 50.  The researchers concluded that physicians have reasons and opportunities to open up dialogue with men because of the availability of drugs on the market to treat male sexual issues. But that appears to be changing; women are demanding treatments for libido loss, vaginal dryness and appear to coax their husbands to medical offices so they can find solutions to his problems.  Of course not everyone wants their husband amped up on testosterone or drugs that might restore his erection, but a lot more women than we might think do. The truth is we are living longer and healthier lives and we still want to be sexually active.  

Texting a Relationship

Texting a Relationship- Pretext

                There once was a time when we tried out relationships by face to face meeting.  Of course there was the obligatory phone call, but eventually we met that someone face to face.  I met my husband by dialing a wrong number.  I suppose if we zipped a few years in the future it could have been a wrong text.  But I thank fate it wasn’t.  I have no less than five friends who are dating in textland.  I call it pretext.  Instead of fingering body parts, they finger keys.  Instead of gazing into another face, they gaze at a Fb pic or a thumbnail.  Instead of actually seeing the nuances that will be deal makers or deal breakers, they are weighing the significance of tweets, tidbits and jargon. “Oh look,”  my friend says , “he’s texting me recipes!”  I look at the screen and see a recipe for Lovers Delight which involves a banana dipped in caramel, sprouting a dollop of whipped cream and then placed between two lady fingers.  “Are you kidding,” I said, never expecting to be answered.  Then I ask her for a review of this relationship which apparently her good friend, had been completely unaware of for the past year.  “Oh it’s been going on a while,” she says.  And then I learned that in the past year, around her other dating experiences, smashed in between the hours at school functions and her job, she’s had a whopping two dates which involved some dry humping on his couch and a lunch at a greasy diner while he waited for them to change his oil in his car.  “What happened to dating?”  She sighs and tells me “It’s complicated, he’s got all kinds of responsibilities.  He’s going through a divorce and we live an hour apart. We can only see each other when my job sends me to his region and that will not be for another week.  Then we only have the afternoon because he has his twin girls half the week, a second job to pay his attorney, and then band  practice.”

Dr. Oz Fails with Sex Dreams

So you have a sex dream- what does it mean?  Is it the result of desires, unresolved issues, anger, secret or unconscious wishes?  Most likely it is nothing! For the most part your dreams are nothing but mental garbage!  You had a slew of dreams last night and your brain is programmed so you don't recall any of them.  But we sometimes recall the last one of the night or the very anxiety provoking ones.  Our anxieties do infiltrate our dreams so those dreams where your boss is sstrangling us might reflect a grain of your reality.  But sex dreams? 

Dr. Oz gave bad information today.  Sex dreams are not only normal but they do not predict anything.  Rarely can you control who the hell you are having sex with.  Ten years ago I had a sex dream about our next door neighbor "Old Bill," who was about 90 and had at least ten cats.  The worst part of the dream is that it was great sex.  I had outrageous fantastic sex with this old man.   My poor husband kept asking me to invite Old Bill over for dinner like we used to do.  This dream was so vivid I could never look at "Old Bill" in the face again.  I was tempted to ask him "if it was as good for him as it was for me" but I ended up ignoring the poor old man until we moved a year later!   Why did I dream about Old Bill?  Was it some secret desire?  Not at all.  I probably went to bed a little amorous and that very night I remember that David was outside cleaning our pool and talking to Old Bill.  It is all normal.  Enjoy them now because as you age you will have less and less of them. 

Wouldn't it be great if we could program ourselves to dream about great looking sexy people and have a happy ending?  Most of the time we wake up before that point!  Thankfully sex dreams mean nothing.  Straight sex, gay sex, sex with strangers and sex with people you know and the worst, sex with someone strange.  A few years back a student told me he had a dream that he had sex with older woman who served him his cafeteria meal each day in high school.  Hundreds of pounds overweight, mole on her face with a billy goat beard, he told the entire class he had crazy-good sex with her.   But this was topped by another students who anxiously waited for my office hour to come and ask me what I thought of his sex dream: he dreamed he had sex with a dog.  "What's wrong with me?" He asked. 

"Nothing," I told him. "The first good thing is that you feel disgusted and the second good thing is that you didn't go to the pound and adopt a dog."   Dr. Dawn Marlena Hopper