Men, Women, Relationships,Relationships, Sex, Orgasm and Showing Him How - a Mini Blog

You have to teach him and show him what you need- don't expect him to know it himself, say's Dr. Ruth and Dr. Dawn.
http://www.hlntv.com/video/2012/08/29/dr-ruth-show-your-man-what-you-need
You need to show him, without words, what to do. It's pussy-tale boot camp and the subject is your clitoris and vagina. Seems so intuitive, but it's not. Women often say nothing and do nothing, and men, well alot of you have had some poor training, because no one has told you or you think you know. It's up to women to take charge. Now for this mini blog I'll go a step further; satisfy yourself in front of him (that comes-no pun intended- from Dr. Ruth)   I'm sure he'll agree and do the same.    Show him what you like. If you are apprehensive, well, drink a few glasses of wine first and in the morning blame it on the Pinot Noir. Dr. Dawn Hopper

eHarmon-erffic! Some Truths about eHarmony and Why it Works

My girlfriend joined a few weeks ago.  I sat by her side and watched the process.  Because I’ve been asked many times about what I think about dating sites, I thought I’d spare the humor and give you a professional opinion.  No, I’m not being paid to say this.  It works because it is based in some rather sound scientific principles.  For those who do not know, eHarmony begins with a series of questions examining your values, beliefs, emotional health and life skills.  It takes hours and in the end, after paying a fee, you are shown some pictures and given limited information about your matches. You have three stages to follow before you get a chance to contact that person.  You cannot lie, you cannot be married nor can you be separated.  They have a way to check you out but that is another blog.  It works for several reasons. 

First, they force you to spend the entire day filling out questionnaires.  If you were not in touch with your feelings, it’s like having five serious therapy sessions—in the end you know a hell-of-a lot about yourself and what you can with or cannot live without.  As a side note, there are scales of mental fitness- it might be worth the effort and money to weed out some wakadoodles.    

Second, this is a fantastic exercise for anyone, especially men, many of whom have little idea what they really want out side of the best looking woman they can attract.  Men tend to go for the looks first and while women weigh attractiveness they tend to balance it out.    

“I want to go out with this one,” my cousin said to me while he was on Plenty of Fish. 

I looked at her picture, in a bikini, at least 20 years his junior.  

“But she says she will not date smokers and you smoke.”

“I’ll quit,” He tells me. 

Third and related to the second, you are not bombarded by hundreds of people.  My poor cousin could not sift the chafe from the wheat; he was stuck on young skinny women, twenty years his junior, that were into rock concerts—he wears a hearing aid.  The more balanced matches faded into the page.  eHarmony whittles the selection process down as the process reminds you what dating is all about.  It’s the time we get to know someone else—and not just physically.  

Fourth, once you hone in on someone it mimics courting.  You’ve see the face, you’ve read the bio, you have some facts and now you get the chance to tell your philosophy of live,  There are three stages of guided communication before you can email them.  The questions are deep and require thought:  What are five things you cannot live without, or what have you learned from your past relationships, or who has influenced you the most in life and why. These questions reveal a lot about a person. When my girlfriend read that her match could not live without cleanliness, organization, good hygiene and nice teeth, she went on to the next person.  Imagine how long it might have taken her to find out he was such a neat freak?    

Fifth, it requires effort.  Anything worth having is worth waiting for.  It’s called effort justification and the more we work at something the more valuable we think it is.  This principle applies the moment you sit in front of the computer and face hours of questions with a meter telling you how far you are in the process.  There were a few times I got frustrated when my girlfriend was answering the mounds of questions.  “But I’m 60% done,” she exclaimed.  The same idea applies when you’ve spent weeks harmonizing with another person.  Now she’s  going on her first date with the man she’s written to for several weeks. I can almost imagine it; awkwardness is set aside. Already they have discussed literature, their careers,  their relationships and he’s already aware that she isn’t ready for the bedroom.

Sixth, the name says it all—harmony—as in in-sync.  As a student of one of the most brilliant minds in the relationship arena (Dr. Donn Byrne) similarity is one of the most potent foundations of liking.  Opposites don’t attract!  We like people who share our views, it tell us we might be right about things.  It also gives us a feeling of control.  I remember some thirty years back when I went on a blind date.  He hated to read, loved heavy metal, chain restaurants and felt no one should leave the county until they had visited every state of the union.  Then there was his life of camping . . . It was a wash out.

Seventh,  familiarity breeds liking.  We like people we are more familiar with the more you talk, the more feel comfortable.  Have you ever had a person grow on you?  It’s the feeling you get when you realize they suddenly look more attractive.

Eight, it’s the timing thing.  You have to ready to love and to commit and anyone who takes the time to do eHarmony is in that place. 

Ninth, no man who is out for a hump and jump, hook-up, pump and run, or whatever you call it these days is going to pay over two hundred dollars, spend the entire day on the questionnaire, then have to wait another few weeks for some woman to respond to questions that he himself hasn’t written but are supplied by some psycho-computer somewhere.  He’ll be on another site. Your pool is virtually full of likeminded people who want to be in with someone.  Finally the most important one of all.

Tenth, You can openly discuss your sexual comfort level via the questionnaire and more important, that fling is going to take a while.  You’ve got weeks of a program ahead of you.

Despite our sexual freedoms, nothing can ruin a relationship more than hooking-up.  It clouds who they are and sex too soon is the kiss of death in many relationships. If it’s great sex, you might not notice the fact that they drink too much.  If the sex is bad, you might have gotten to know them enough to work on making it good.  And for your information, casual sex is virtually always poor for women.  It takes time to work it out, and when you do, when there is more caring, your partner is more interested in making it work.  The second problem is that once in the sack you can never go back.  Once sex enters the picture everything changes.  At least when you are on the site, your chances of that hook-up are decreased and all the effort put into hunting that person down might translate into a little wait.   

if you’re looking for a meaningful relationship and willing to put in the time, this is the site.  If you’re looking for quick and easy access join another site. 

Oh no! It’s Grandma and Grandpa Gone Wild!

I wrote this blog half a year ago.  Now I want to capture my generations attention. 

               There are two words that we don’t like to hear in one sentence— “grandparents” and “sex.”  I remember quite clearly when my grandmother and I watched an episode of Dr. Ruth and she told me she wished someone had told her about orgasms. I was mortified, by both the fact that she had no clue and that the word came out of her mouth—with a Yiddish accent, too.    
            Well, it’s not your grandparents’ world anymore.  The University of Chicago's National Social Life, Health and Aging Project (NSHAP), presented in the New England Journal of Medicine, tells a different story about grandma and grandpa; they are sexually active, engaging in intercourse, oral sex and masturbation—well into their 70s and 80s. The boomer generation is having record sex; enjoying sex as much or more than when they were younger, and to prove it they are acquiring sexually transmitted diseases in record numbers.

          Sex may decline only slightly between ages 50 to 70 and those between 70 to 85 seem to be affected only by health problems or the availability of a partner, not desire. Boomers and seniors biggest complaint about sex is that they lack information; about sexually transmitted diseases, performance issues such as erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness or lubrication.  

“I have no one to ask about these things,” said Marion S. at the Boomer Health Fair in Albany, New York.  “My doctor rushes me out and other than the internet I suppose I’m alone on this.”

            Marion is not alone.  According to the NSHAP study, nearly one in seven men or 14% interviewed, reported taking medication to improve sexual function, and 38% reported they discussed sex with their doctor.  Much fewer women, 22%, reported discussing sex with a physician after age 50.  The researchers concluded that physicians have reasons and opportunities to open up dialogue with men because of the availability of drugs on the market to treat male sexual issues. But that appears to be changing; women are demanding treatments for libido loss, vaginal dryness and appear to coax their husbands to medical offices so they can find solutions to his problems.  Of course not everyone wants their husband amped up on testosterone or drugs that might restore his erection, but a lot more women than we might think do. The truth is we are living longer and healthier lives and we still want to be sexually active.  

Dr. Oz Fails with Sex Dreams

So you have a sex dream- what does it mean?  Is it the result of desires, unresolved issues, anger, secret or unconscious wishes?  Most likely it is nothing! For the most part your dreams are nothing but mental garbage!  You had a slew of dreams last night and your brain is programmed so you don't recall any of them.  But we sometimes recall the last one of the night or the very anxiety provoking ones.  Our anxieties do infiltrate our dreams so those dreams where your boss is sstrangling us might reflect a grain of your reality.  But sex dreams? 

Dr. Oz gave bad information today.  Sex dreams are not only normal but they do not predict anything.  Rarely can you control who the hell you are having sex with.  Ten years ago I had a sex dream about our next door neighbor "Old Bill," who was about 90 and had at least ten cats.  The worst part of the dream is that it was great sex.  I had outrageous fantastic sex with this old man.   My poor husband kept asking me to invite Old Bill over for dinner like we used to do.  This dream was so vivid I could never look at "Old Bill" in the face again.  I was tempted to ask him "if it was as good for him as it was for me" but I ended up ignoring the poor old man until we moved a year later!   Why did I dream about Old Bill?  Was it some secret desire?  Not at all.  I probably went to bed a little amorous and that very night I remember that David was outside cleaning our pool and talking to Old Bill.  It is all normal.  Enjoy them now because as you age you will have less and less of them. 

Wouldn't it be great if we could program ourselves to dream about great looking sexy people and have a happy ending?  Most of the time we wake up before that point!  Thankfully sex dreams mean nothing.  Straight sex, gay sex, sex with strangers and sex with people you know and the worst, sex with someone strange.  A few years back a student told me he had a dream that he had sex with older woman who served him his cafeteria meal each day in high school.  Hundreds of pounds overweight, mole on her face with a billy goat beard, he told the entire class he had crazy-good sex with her.   But this was topped by another students who anxiously waited for my office hour to come and ask me what I thought of his sex dream: he dreamed he had sex with a dog.  "What's wrong with me?" He asked. 

"Nothing," I told him. "The first good thing is that you feel disgusted and the second good thing is that you didn't go to the pound and adopt a dog."   Dr. Dawn Marlena Hopper

Happy Valentines Day- Can you Please Penis and Clitoris up?

What?  What the hell is that about?  My girlfriend told me she wanted one thing for her Valentine's day present.  It was not a ring, a piece of jewelry, flowers or chocolates.  In fact it is free.  She asked me to write this and she is going to set it under his pillow.
First, only 20% of all women can orgasm without clitoral stimulation.  I think is a hell of a lot more but since we are all supposed to be orgasmic and amateur porn stars ready to go for that great guy, few want to fess up to their need for some FOREPLAY.  What is FOREPLAY?  I actually heard this once while giving a sex lecture -" Four minutes of sexual play before penetration." Blame it on porn- the absolutely worst training material- but that will be another blog! 

So what does girlfriend want from her husband?  A warm bath, bubbles, a massage, a bottle of wine, to sit face to face naked and talk about love for a full five minutes, no touching, to kiss for a whole five minutes without tongues, then another five minutes with tongues, and then she wants him to ask her one question.  "What can I do to make you happy? - Show me" 

She tells me this story and I all-of-sudden- get something really big- she cannot bring herself to tell this man!  Is she alone? Hardly.  Many many women stay silent.  Research tells us they do this for many reasons; sex guilt, embarrassment, afraid they are abnormal or will be viewed as abnormal, they don't want to be demanded, hurt his feelings...on and on the list goes. 

Here is my Valentine’s Day suggestions to write on that card.
Actually make a list of all the reasons and qualities you love then for.
Write the lyrics of a song that reminds you of them.
Send that loved-one the song as a message.
Text lover all day with simple words that all add up to a romantic encounter "Tonight...." pause for a few minutes..."I want ...." 
Or text lover with a menu of the dish you might be serving.
And for my shy friends, do what my girlfriend is going to do. She is sending him a card and beginning with the following words "Honey, I found this on the internet in a sex and love blog,  and I thought it would be the best gift we could give each other.  So read this and tell me what you think:

Happy Valentines form your Sex and Love Fairy Godmother.  Here is a special recipe for a great night.  Give this to your lover!

1. Let's take a bath.  Please open a bottle of wine and light a candle. 
2.  Let's sit face to face and let's tell each other what we love about each other. (Tonight it is only about the two of you- no other's, no erotica, no sex toys, it is only the two of you.)  We have to come up with at least 10 qualities or memories.      
2.  Now we need to kiss for five minutes, gentle, no tongues. 
3.  Now we need to kiss for another five minutes, no rules. 
3. Stop.
4. Now we tell each other something that we have never shared before: 
   * Tell me one fantasy that you have had about me and I will tell you one I have had about you.       
   *Tell me one thing you would really find pleasurable that I can do, that involves me that you have not told me before. I will share the same with you.

  * Show me, by taking my hands or describing exactly one thing I can do to give you pleasure - and in return I will show you or teach you something that can give me pleasure. 

Help! I'm not in the Mood! A TMI Sex blog

A TMI (too much information) sex blog...            

 “I really am not in the mood to have sex with Brian,” she says. 

Over dinner the eight women go back and forth over the topic.  It’s Woodstock- peace and love- we have few inhibitions.  I listen. 

            “He’s always in the mood, but I can’t even think about it.”

            Men are usually in the mood.  The easiest way to get rid of a man is to stop having  sex with him.  Having sex with him will not necessarily keep him or win him—that’s a truth—but denying your partner on a regular basis is a recipe for disaster.   I relayed this blog to my uncle Sammy – over 80 and wise as the best potato chip, and he laughed.  He knew.  And so do I.

            Do you think we are all in the mood?  And what the hell is in the mood anyway?  If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard this expression I’d be in Italy, sunning myself in Capri.

            Mood is what YOU make.  Yes, you can make it.  TMI, but I have been with the same man for a very long time.  Without porn, with five children at our feet, we have managed to have a lot of sex.  Do you think I was in the mood all the time? 

            My girlfriend relayed this story to me over a bottle of wine:

            When we have sex we ususally put on the TV so our daughter can't hear what is going on.  Of course we try to pick a noisy channel and one that we won't be interested in so we can concentrate on our own plot.  So I switch the channel to Shop NBC, QVC, JTV and HSN- I KNOW my husband won’t look at the TV if it’s about shopping.  

            However, on this one occasion, when I wasn’t in the mood, I saw something.  They flashed a necklace; amethysts, rough cut.  Exactly what my daughter wanted.  It was on clearance.  They posted the sales figures, like a countdown—which seemed to come every second, thrust in my face like bait.  I counted the action on my end and in a panic I made the decision to help it along.  Time was running out.  I needed to buy that necklace!  In the end I got the necklace.

            She is not alone.  I have a friend who admitted to me she was finishing a novel when her partner suddenly was really in the mood.  

            “What did you do?”  I asked.

            “I told him he could do whatever he wanted but I was going to take the last 10 pages.”

            She told him to pretend she was a naked libriarian.  She read the conclusion and they finished together. 

             

            But truth be told, mood can change.  In a study of orgasmic women it was found that they had a hand in putting  themselves in the mood (pun intended).  Maybe a bath, some sexy underwear, daydreaming,  and thinking about something that is a turn on, a glass of wine. . . they prepped themselves. Orgasmic women are also more able to control men sexually.  That is another blog, but they can exact what they want from the encounter. 

            But back to mood.  The quickest way to get rid of your man besides stopping sex with him is to not seem to be interested in him.  You aren’t a monkey who only allows sex when you are in heat.  The creator gave you a vagina, the most receptive hostess known in the animal kingdom.  Do you think men are more sexual?  HA!  If I ran an ad on Craigslist tomorrow I could have a line around my house of willing male sex partners and I could service each and every one of them.  Can a man do that?   Okay, get the visual out of your mind, I am saying that we can have sex just by doing virtually nothing. 

            So I asked her this; “Isn’t being ravished, adored, wanted, and cherished, good enough?   I was trying to get to the root of it.  Women have a lot of sex for self-esteem reasons, to feel wanted, appreciated….something else was cooking here. 

            “What do you mean?” She asked.

            “Well, most women have sex for a reason.  Not to always orgasm, but to feel different emotions.   

            She thought for a second.  “I never thought of that.  But after working all day, dragging kids around, cooking, and cleaning I’m burned out. ”

            “That’s not all there is to it.  Yes, you’re exhausted but are you a little mad, or angry? I asked.

            “A little? Are you kidding?  I work all day and come home to more work.  Do you think anyone can shift gears like that?

            I laughed.  “Men can.  A crying baby doesn’t turn off their switch.   One time my mother called and my husband handed me the receiver and kept going—of course without me.”

            The table laughed.  I continued.  “You need to tell him, calmly and honestly.  You might find he’s willing to take over some tasks, do something extra, and change his game, if he knows how you feel.  It’s about equity, knowing that you are getting what you believe you deserve from the relationship.  You might need help around the house – for you this might be a big deal.  But I can tell you one thing, sex is a bigger deal for men.  Men will do almost anything to get vagina.”

            She resolved to discuss it.  However men who help out in the house do have additional payoffs – research tells us that when people have that balance or equity, they have more sex.   

            Even if you’re not in the mood you might look at that wonderful guy, who diapered your babies,  put the others to bed,  washed the dishes, maybe did a load of laundry,  a whole lot more righteously.   When women are happy with men, they make love, not war.  Not in the mood- It’s just an excuse.

How this began- Professor Sexmachine

     Some years ago (disco days) I was sitting in a human sexuality class taught by a psychologist that thought he was an expert on the topic.  It was a time when college professors actually did sleep with their students!  Professor sexmachine fortified his lectures with his own powess and experiences.  Aside from this rather disgusting self-disclosure I had some immediate and profound thoughts;  first of which was that from his appearance I doubted there was a line of women waiting to tackle his bones.  Something about tight hip- huggers which pushed out a ring of stomach flesh, the open neck shirt with neck chains tangled with profuse  chest hair turned me off.  But I was already a mother of two and hardly susceptible to horny older men.