What Do Men Want?

Today I met a friend for lunch with a copy of my book on men—a book jammed packed with their love stories.  For one hour we discussed my ideas.  The woman at the next table felt my very words were an insult to her ears.

She went militant on me.  I tried to calm her.  But when she called me a crazy religious zealot and an affront to all women who fought for women's rights I went "Gloria" on her.  I lived in a women's commune in the mid-seventies!  Burn my bra?  I cut a huge hole in the ass of my jeans and let my checks spill out.  I fought idiots at Planned Parenthood.  This wasn't the first time I got that reaction and it won't be the last.  I love men and because I love it doesn't negate the fact I love women.  SO I'm reposting Dr. Helen Fisher's blog that gets to the meat.

For centuries Americans and people just about everywhere else, have believed a lot of things about women that we now realize aren’t true.  Among them, the credos that a woman’s place is in the home and that aging single women—long called spinsters—are sad misfits.  Decades of marches, articles, books, law suits and national, regional and local discussions have finally uprooted these and many more wrong beliefs about women.  This national survey furthers that cause.   Indeed, it shows that women seek more independence in a partnership than men do.

But I have long wanted to bust myriad myths about the other half of the human race–men.  Single in America does it in spades.   This national survey clearly shows that men are just as eager to marry as women are; 33% of both sexes want to say “I do.”  Moreover, men in every age group are more eager than women to have children.  Even young men.  Among those between ages 21 and 34, 51% of men want kids, while 46% of women yearn for young.  Men are less picky too.  Fewer men say it is  important to find a partner of their own ethnic background (20% of men vs 29%  of women said this is a “must have” or “very important”); and fewer say they want someone of their own religion (17% of men vs 28% of women said this is a “must have” or “very important”).   Men are also more likely to have experienced love at first sight, as well as open to introducing a date to their parents sooner.

Perhaps most impressive:  In a committed relationship, men are less likely to say they need personal space (58% vs 77% of women); less likely to want nights out with friends (23% vs 35% of women); less eager to own their own bank account (47% vs 66% of women); and less likely to want to take a vacation on their own (8% vs 12%).  Remarkably, men under age 45 are also more willing  than older men and women to enter a committed relationship with someone who has everything they were looking for in a partner, but whom they do not find sexually attractive.  And just as many men under 35 believe you can stay married to the same person forever (84%). http://blog.match.com/2011/02/04/the-forgotten-sex-men/

Sorry, we are not from other planets.  Dr. Dawn Hopper

Desperation on Line: For Women Only!

Regarding my  last post-- It took another few mistakes and some time alone for my dear friend to settle down that desperation cue.  Unless you are in an exclusive relationship avoid these cues men can easily pick up on.  These go for online  dating- before you meet. The first vibe a men and women center on is the picture. That's a fact. Neither of you would be in any contact unless you found each other attractive-based on that picture. Now begins that dance, the one of emails, texts or phone chat- before the meeting.  It's ass backwards.  The meeting can throw it all off.  But that's another story.  You see, when we get that ping, the email, the message it charges up the reward centers of our cortex like a pin-ball machine. All the "what-if's" rage.  Anticipation can lead to desperation. Here are the signs: 

·        Calling, emailing, or texting way too much, always answering their texts or responses quickly.  Your words should equal his minus a few.  In other words answer his texts with the same amount of words no more.   You should NEVER initiate any texts or communication unless it is to cancel a date.  Don't play the "I accidentally texted you." ploy.   Men like what they can't have and what is unavailable.  I've seen this undermine many women. Men have lay-dar, the ability to sniff out a desperate woman who'll have sex with them- no strings attached.  By the way 57% of men have sex on the first date. It better not be you! I swear I'll crawl through the Internet to slap you with the stupid stick.   

·         Speaking about texts, or phone calls, limit them to a time length-as in a few weeks. . Catfishing and pretext relationships are accomplished through hooking the other person and leading them on.  It's also a method that is left for losers- what I mean by that is once someone is wooing their first choice, they like to keep other fish hanging on their lines. A back up plan.  My cousin THE DON of DATING does this. He racks them up like beer in the cooler. Don't be the back-up.  Refuse the role.  You need to meet as soon as possible.  Meeting changes the dynamic- dramatically.  Give it no more than two weeks.  "What?" you are saying.  Yes- two weeks.  If he can't meet you face to face you simply ask when he will be available and suggest that he contact you then.  If you are afraid you'll lose him by having a boundary, question your desperation. By the way there are a hundred reasons why you should not enter a pretext relationhip.  That's another blog.

·         When he calls you don't answer so quickly.     

·         Unless you have met do not sit on the phone for a long period of time.  Your mind will tend to weave itself a fantasy that might not be as good as the real thing.

·         Never ever allow any sexual conversation to occur. That will get the stupid stick too.  You can make money for doing that shit- tell him to go go call 1800jerkoff.  Hang up if he begins any sex dialogue.  By the way here's the line (from THE DON)...So what are you doing now? He'll ask this at night when you're laying in bed.  "I'm sitting next to my brother, the cop, watching TV.  Don't fall for the "What are you wearing?" either. 

·         Never reveal any personal dilemma's nor allow him to.  Catfishing requires that the hook reveal some common dilemma they both face.  Anyway, it's not a good sign if he or you complain about facets of your life before you even met.

·         Never ever say that you'll cancel plans so you can meet him.  "Oh, I have a wedding to go to but I think I'll just cancel that so we can meet!"  Are you crazy? Only desperate women will cancel an event to meet a man. 

·         Desperate women give him every contact bit of information, the home phone, emails, work number.  Nix that.

·         Do not go over your dating history with him.  It's none of his business and if he asks, having never met you, he is a control freak or he's fishing to see what a desperate bottom sucker you are.

·         NEVER berate your ex.  Women who are still frothing over a past love signal desperate.  They are basically saying they need to be preoccupied by a new man.

·         Never tell him when your last relationship ended.  "Oh, I broke up with my boyfriend last week."  You are telling him that you cannot stand to be be alone for seven f---king days.  Now that is desperate. 

·         Keep you tone of voice light and happy.  Please don't make sexy talk or cutesy talk.  

·         Never ever tell a man you feel connected to them unless you have been seeing them for some time.  Yes, there are women who begin the phone and texting relationship and actually tell men that they feel a connection. To what? You only have some pictures and some words- incidentally words that are designed to entice you. That's what we do, we put our best foot forward and seldom tell people about the job we just were fired form,  our debts. . you get it.  You can't connect to someone you don't know- if you think you can, get some help. 

·       Never discuss the future with a man you have not met!  I had a friend who asked a man to consider going on a trip with her, a trip I was going on—and they had never met! 

This is important.  Many men derive a satisfaction from just the phone connection- and I'm not talking about sex.  Instead of having a real relationship they think they can connect to others and form a false belief that they are having dating and having a connection when they twiddle their fingers on a keyboard, or on that other thing, the one between their legs.  That might be all they need to be satisfied for a few hours.

In addition I will share with you one other point.  For many men the texting allows some comfort with the initial period of 'getting to know someone'.  There are great men out there but there are a lot of pussy hounds too.  men know that women are ultimately the choosers.  In other words you are the gatekeeper of your vagina.  The pressure to woo and win is daunting for most men.  I tell you to keep is short, friendly and sweet for another reason--don't lead him on. If you met before you construct some crazy fantasy (which happens) the less chance you'll bruise an ego. In the real dating world we first meet and then find common ground.  That is the way nature intended. That's why you need to know my rules- they are based on our nature- and science.  

Are MAN-TIED? Manti T'eo and Lennya Kekua—it's not so unusual . . . In online dating? Are you kidding?

Are You MAN-TIED?  Manti T'eo and Lennya Kekua—it's not so unusual . . . In online dating?  Are you kidding? 

"Manti Te'o acknowledged to ABC's Katie Couric that he maintained the illusion of his dead girlfriend in the weeks after he received a call claiming that Lennay Kekua and her death were hoaxes,"

according to a CNN article.

http://www.cnn.com/2013/01/23/us/teo-hoax-abc/index.html"

Of course, this could never happen to you, right? WRONG!  Every time you are ONLINE led on by someone who's connecting with you, texting, calling, and causing you to move into high hopes and big expectations, you're re MAN-TIED.  Oh how our imagination works! It's supposed to when we want to fall in love.

Take Kate.  Educated, good-looking, independent woman friend.  Mr. X responds to her profile.  They appear to hit it off.   Kate has been looking for MR. #1 for a while. Lots of dead ends, goofballs, idiots, liars and some rebuffs. Some desperation.  She's quite happy when this one seems on be on track.  But Logical Kate knows logically it's nothing more than a connection.  What she doesn't know that she'd more delighted than she may know. Her brain is in need of a good boost of happy neurotransmitters. They rush out and make her happy but they are not done with her.  Her reward center, the one that is connected to love, sex and desire is switching on.   

Kate and Mr. X begin texting one another.  Back and forth they bat cute comments and quips.  "We're so much alike," she says to me at dinner.  While she is thinking she might have just discovered her other half, I want to bleat, "What do you except?  Do you think he'll tell you he doesn’t like romantic flicks? 

He's in Panama digging the canal and they can't yet meet.  He's collecting insects for a research project.  He doesn't like the phone.  Her comment, "He's an intellect." My thoughts?  Can't make himself available, travels a lot and bugs, the bug thing is a turn off.  "Does he know that you call the exterminator for fruit flies?"

               

Three weeks go by and she has callouses on the finger tips. X is wonderful, considerate, and funny.  She's imagining his home, the smell of the blueberry pancakes she knows he's cooking.  She pulls up his profile and tells me to read a line she's intrigued by.

               

"I like the ordinary, I find consolation in the ordinary events of the day, a butterfly on a flower, the morning dew on a blade of grass—oh war is not me!"

"He's deep; he doesn't seem to need a lot to make him happy." Here is what I hear.  Ordinary.  Who doesn't appreciate the simple things?  And who the hell would say "I like the complicated things in life.  And that war thing?  Where did that come from?  Day by day imaginary boyfriend grows larger than life and they're imaginarily traipsing through her mind and imagination. Suddenly Walt Whitman-Alan Ginsburg is going on hikes with her; she'll bring brie and wine.  He likes Pinot Noir.  "I'm going to take X to the nature conservatory, what do you think?  "There's the new art exhibit in town, German Expressionism.  I felt like Munch's The Scream, and I did.  "This guy isn't real—you've never met him!" 

It's week four.  Suddenly X's opinions matter.  "So today, X, said that there is going to be a wheat shortage in Italy and the price of pasta will soar."  as a consummate Italian, normally a pasta-world-crisis would pull me out of a deep sleep.  I look at her. "Since when is X a part of your opinions?  

"You know, we’ve been talking for over a month.  It's like we've been on thirty dates."

"If you had really been on thirty, dates, made it to thirty dates, you'd be having great sex, wonderful meals, holding hands and spooning as you planned moving-in, a honeymoon or a vacation.  You'd know his family, kids, and all his nuances. 

               

Nuances?  Yes, the shit that can make it our break it.  The throat clearing, nasal spray he just have to use—and God forbid the wandering eye. 

'Wandering eye?"

"My friend Bunny dated a guy with wandering eye. She couldn't tell from the camera shot, his eye had a three second fix point but then it would move off to the side. She had to take Dramamine just to follow his conversations. 

"Whew, you got me worried." Said Kate. "I was thinking about the other wandering eye, you know the kind of guy who can't focus on you and as you're talking, he looks off and follows some bouncing ass across the room.

"Oh, he had that too, In fact I think that's how got it—eye torsion, he was the worst cheat." 

Week five.  Imaginary boyfriend is stalled in the amazon.  No contact for three days. I was waiting for him the send her the ransom note looking for money.  I packed her and her vodka up and we went to my house for the weekend. An artic storm hit and the power went out.  She sat in my snowbound car charging the phone and waited for her imaginary boyfriend to respond. 

"I sent him five texts today and he hasn't answered!  Do you think that's too many? I mean after all he could be kidnapped, he could be sick, I'm just concerned."

"No you're desperate." 

My friend was man-tied.  Her emotions were Shanghaied.  It could have been deliberate; he could have been pranking her.  Or he could have been living out a pseud relationship just to have semi-phone sex and a feeling he was really dating.   Dabble-dating, a form of flirting.  Anytime anyone amps up your amorous expectations and doesn't come through you are Mantied.   T'o-ed. 

RULE: Keep texts and emails brief, unemotional, light and to the point.  Unless you want an imaginary friend, you need to meet.  If they can't, you ask them when they think they will be back from Mount Everest, the golf tour, digging in Egypt and say, "I will contact you again when you are free."  Don't stray.  Don't be weak.  Don't succumb to keeping even a light contact.

 Why would you do that-desperation?  You think he'll find another love if you snap the chord.  Well, consider this a test.   A serious guy will want to get down to business sooner than later.

Did friend ever meet him?  Yes.  After months imaginary boyfriend showed up.  He had a voice like Mr. Rogers.  Yes, the Mr. Rogers.  The man with the Kids TV show.  And he was wearing a cardigan. 

Online Love

The Love Lost Generation: The Problem with On-line Dating and Choice.
Love-lost genration? Sadly we are more confused than ever. Our cave life made it all much simpler. A hundred possbile dates? Are you kidding?

GF Becca calls. Disgusted with on-line dating- too much time, too much work, too little results. Is she alone? Hardly. The industry calls it “one of the best tools,” but unfortunately our cave brains see it as a massive stimulus overload. You just have too many choices! It might seem great to have hundreds of potential matches but then again our mind plays some tricks with all that information.

First, it gives us a false sense of confidence that we are in more control than we are. Then we make the next mistake, thinking we have control we maximize our pay-off. So when Becca saw Tom, a heart surgeon who took a liking to her pic, she chose him—Not for nothing but Becca is a cocktail waitress and wouldn’t know an artery from an arterial.

What she doesn’t know is that our brains get irritated when we are faced with too much choice. Oh how we hate to be wrong, indecisive and leave tings to chance. So she makes her contact. Now her brain decides to screw her over again—she becomes convinced they are destined. She goes back to his profile and works over all the reasons they are a couple. We call it post-decision dissonance and without all the science gab, it’s a way that we make ourselves feel better after we make a choice. We feelmore confident. Those dating sites know this. They know you might do all the things that Becca did and that’s why they give you certain information and then smack it with a percentage. He was 97% her match. For the next day she read, reread and presumed that they had everything in common.

Now effort- justification kicks in. What’s that? It’s when we amp up our confidence that our efforts are well-justified. After all, she spent two solid days filling our questionnaires and another weekend responding to questions and queries. Our minds don’t like to think our efforts are worthless and Becca was absolutely convinced that there was a pay-off in there for her. Of course her mind filled in all the gaping pot-holes in her path—after all with hundreds of choices and a 97% match, what could go wrong? Plenty.

The date was a disaster. He, like 67% of men use on-line dating as a hook-up tool. After plying her with gin he proceeded to tell her about his other vein—She bolted from the restaurant.
But even if that last scenario didn’t happen all that choice lends us to experience some big disappointment. So what can you do? First you just learned something about how thinking can undermine our efforts. However in the next weeks I’ll set out some great rules that can help in maximizing on-line dating efforts.

For more information: Online Dating: A Critical Analysis From the Perspective of Psychological Science, by Eli J. Finkel, Paul W. Eastwick, Benjamin R. Karney, Harry T. Reis, and Susan Sprecher