Oh no! It’s Grandma and Grandpa Gone Wild!

I wrote this blog half a year ago.  Now I want to capture my generations attention. 

               There are two words that we don’t like to hear in one sentence— “grandparents” and “sex.”  I remember quite clearly when my grandmother and I watched an episode of Dr. Ruth and she told me she wished someone had told her about orgasms. I was mortified, by both the fact that she had no clue and that the word came out of her mouth—with a Yiddish accent, too.    
            Well, it’s not your grandparents’ world anymore.  The University of Chicago's National Social Life, Health and Aging Project (NSHAP), presented in the New England Journal of Medicine, tells a different story about grandma and grandpa; they are sexually active, engaging in intercourse, oral sex and masturbation—well into their 70s and 80s. The boomer generation is having record sex; enjoying sex as much or more than when they were younger, and to prove it they are acquiring sexually transmitted diseases in record numbers.

          Sex may decline only slightly between ages 50 to 70 and those between 70 to 85 seem to be affected only by health problems or the availability of a partner, not desire. Boomers and seniors biggest complaint about sex is that they lack information; about sexually transmitted diseases, performance issues such as erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness or lubrication.  

“I have no one to ask about these things,” said Marion S. at the Boomer Health Fair in Albany, New York.  “My doctor rushes me out and other than the internet I suppose I’m alone on this.”

            Marion is not alone.  According to the NSHAP study, nearly one in seven men or 14% interviewed, reported taking medication to improve sexual function, and 38% reported they discussed sex with their doctor.  Much fewer women, 22%, reported discussing sex with a physician after age 50.  The researchers concluded that physicians have reasons and opportunities to open up dialogue with men because of the availability of drugs on the market to treat male sexual issues. But that appears to be changing; women are demanding treatments for libido loss, vaginal dryness and appear to coax their husbands to medical offices so they can find solutions to his problems.  Of course not everyone wants their husband amped up on testosterone or drugs that might restore his erection, but a lot more women than we might think do. The truth is we are living longer and healthier lives and we still want to be sexually active.  

Dr. Oz Fails with Sex Dreams

So you have a sex dream- what does it mean?  Is it the result of desires, unresolved issues, anger, secret or unconscious wishes?  Most likely it is nothing! For the most part your dreams are nothing but mental garbage!  You had a slew of dreams last night and your brain is programmed so you don't recall any of them.  But we sometimes recall the last one of the night or the very anxiety provoking ones.  Our anxieties do infiltrate our dreams so those dreams where your boss is sstrangling us might reflect a grain of your reality.  But sex dreams? 

Dr. Oz gave bad information today.  Sex dreams are not only normal but they do not predict anything.  Rarely can you control who the hell you are having sex with.  Ten years ago I had a sex dream about our next door neighbor "Old Bill," who was about 90 and had at least ten cats.  The worst part of the dream is that it was great sex.  I had outrageous fantastic sex with this old man.   My poor husband kept asking me to invite Old Bill over for dinner like we used to do.  This dream was so vivid I could never look at "Old Bill" in the face again.  I was tempted to ask him "if it was as good for him as it was for me" but I ended up ignoring the poor old man until we moved a year later!   Why did I dream about Old Bill?  Was it some secret desire?  Not at all.  I probably went to bed a little amorous and that very night I remember that David was outside cleaning our pool and talking to Old Bill.  It is all normal.  Enjoy them now because as you age you will have less and less of them. 

Wouldn't it be great if we could program ourselves to dream about great looking sexy people and have a happy ending?  Most of the time we wake up before that point!  Thankfully sex dreams mean nothing.  Straight sex, gay sex, sex with strangers and sex with people you know and the worst, sex with someone strange.  A few years back a student told me he had a dream that he had sex with older woman who served him his cafeteria meal each day in high school.  Hundreds of pounds overweight, mole on her face with a billy goat beard, he told the entire class he had crazy-good sex with her.   But this was topped by another students who anxiously waited for my office hour to come and ask me what I thought of his sex dream: he dreamed he had sex with a dog.  "What's wrong with me?" He asked. 

"Nothing," I told him. "The first good thing is that you feel disgusted and the second good thing is that you didn't go to the pound and adopt a dog."   Dr. Dawn Marlena Hopper

Do Men Love as Much As Women?

What exactly is love?

     Are you aware that for most researchers love was considered a new invention? Lisa Diamond, an eminent theorist in the literature on love points out that ”no definitive test of true love exists” (Diamond 2004).   It’s much easier to measure how much sex we have, think about, masturbation rates and desires. 

     But there is love! In the largest study of its kind William Jankowiak titled his book “Romantic Passion: A Universal Experience?  Quite appropriately.  After examining 166 societies he concluded that at least 89% experienced heartfelt passion and excitement which we call love.  From small islands in the ocean, to the Amazon, the Arctic north, almost all people experience passionate love.

It was Helen Fisher and Art Aron and Lucy Brown that mapped the brain in love.  Yes, both men and women’s brains look exactly the same when in love: like a drug addicted brain. 

The big question is do we act the same?  Yes we do!  Men and women feel the same and have the same desires and hopes. Gay, straight, love bites all of us!

     So what is love? Lovers intensely focus their attention on one another at the expense of other relationships or tasks, exaggerate their positive qualities and ignore the negative, work to win their approval with increased energy often pay particular attention to the moods and dispositions of their lovers or any cue or clue they can grapple with to feed the flame of love, experience euphoria when it is fed but mood swings and depression if it is not or the lover is away from them, depressed when love is not returned or love leaves.  They have intrusive thoughts of the other person and think about their love object endlessly.  They were jealous, protective, and seemingly faithful. Two interesting findings emerged; passionate love required sex and sex with only the love object was desired.   For men and women faithfulness is a priority.  Does that make you feel good?